e-mail scam blog

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

# posted by Keith : 2:22:00 AM

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Some Cool Sites for ya...

# posted by Keith : 7:26:00 PM

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Globalwarming Awareness2007

I've set up a site in order to take part in a contest run by the good folks at SEO World Championship. The challenge is to push a newly built website to the top of the Google rankings for the search term 'Globalwarming Awareness2007'.

By doing this I'm in with a chance of taking home the grand prize - a spanking new Citroen C2. Of course, I also get to increase awareness of global environmental issues by promoting Globalwarming Awareness2007, but mostly it's all about the car. Damn, do I need a new car.

# posted by Keith : 1:39:00 AM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

International Medical Insurance

One of the most important things to arrange when you're travelling overseas, even more important than booking your flight and making sure you've packed clean underwear, is getting international medical insurance to cover your ass if you fall ill.

Think about it: you land in some far flung airport thousands of miles from home, and you slip and fall on the street. You break your leg, and get taken to hospital. But wait! You decided not to bother with international medical insurance and the cost of setting your leg, prescribing the pain pills and, well, crutch rental comes to thousands of dollars - thousands of dollars that you can't afford.

Obviously nobody can predict when they're going to get sick. Bearing that in mind, there can be nothing more vital than picking up a comprehensive insurance policy before going overseas. It just makes sense.

# posted by Keith : 11:56:00 PM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Best Directories Article

Rarely will you find an industry so fraught with hearsay and misinterpretation as the SEO industry. Commercial sites wishing to boost their rankings in the SERPS will use any method possible to increase the search engine exposure of their sites - from submitting to directories to optimizing their content to just plain old link buying.

Unfortunately, nobody really understands the algorithms used by search engines such as Google in choosing which sites rank highest for a certain search term. However, that doesn't stop people from claiming to have the inside track to search engine success.

One of the tried and tested methods for boosting rankings - or at least boosting Page Rank - is placing your links in directories. There are thousands of them out there, and the price to get your link in their listings can range from zero to upwards of $100 a year. The problem, though, is that the actual benefit of a single link in any given directory is difficult to quantify. You don't get a congratulatory email from Google to tell you that a certain link pushed you over the top to a higher Page Rank. It doesn't work like that.

There is, however, a small light at the end of the directory tunnel. As detailed in this article at Avida Directory, the guys at Seomoz have come up with a tool that measures the page strength of a website - in effect, rating the importance of a link from a particular site to help webmasters work out how much a link is worth.

The folks at Avidadirectory recently ran the tool through a whole bunch of directories and came up with some surprising results. While Dmoz (the Open Directory Project) came up with the expected 10/10 rating, there were many directories ranking relatively high that came at a reasonable price. Exact Seek, for instance, was one of only two directories with a 7/10 page strength - but it's free to submit your link. Conversely, directories such as Topical Beach and Alfa Directory have a page strength of just 1.5 and 1 respectively, and yet charge between $29 and $40 a year for the basic submission.

All in all, this is an extremely useful article for webmasters looking to promote their sites on a budget. Take your pick from the directories at the top of the list and get the most bang for your buck. Seems like common sense, really.

# posted by Keith : 10:04:00 PM

What the...

The highlight of my day (this is gonna sound very sad) is my visit to the store every morning around 2am. I prefer to work nights because, like most writers, I can't write a word when people are looking over my shoulder.

I also have an aversion to shopping during the day. Wherever possible I'll shop online, but for the groceries I have to do it in person. Unfortunately I can't abide waiting in line with the hordes of sweaty folk who people the shops during the day. I hate dodging shopping carts and fighting for space in the aisles.

I noticed during my drive to the shop yesterday (at around 2:30am) a large group of kids milling around in the car park. None of them could have been older than 15, and it was a school night. Now, I'm not trying to be an old man about this, but what the hell were these kids doing out at that time? Where were the parents, for that matter? I live in a good area full of law-abiding professionals with good jobs and big houses. Why do they allow their kids to roam the streets in packs in the early hours of the morning. It's crazy.

# posted by Keith : 9:34:00 PM

Vonage Forum

Being in the business that I'm in (writing content for commercial websites) I often have to speak to people hwo live in such far flung places as India and Australia. Some of my jobs can't easily be exaplained by email, so an actual conversation is necessary.

Unfortunately I have nothing in the way of a long distance package with my phone provider, and it can be awkward to ask to reverse the charges with the client (the last thing you want to do is start off on the wrong foot with a guy who wants to give you a few thousand dollars).

These days, though, it isn't so much of a problem. With the introduction of VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) we can now make long distance phone calls using our Internet connections for a fraction of the cost of a real phone call.

If you're interested in looking into VoIP to bring down your phone bills you might want to take a look at the Vonage Forum. There's news on the latest developments in the world of VoIP and reviews of all the technology available to make it easier to connect. Watch out, AT&T.

# posted by Keith : 1:24:00 PM

So Very Tired

God, I'm tired. My little sister is going off to college this weekend, so we're going out for a few drinks with some friends to see her off. Unfortunately I haven't slept more than a few hours each night this past week for some reason. Too much work and no opportunity to turn off my brain. So, I have bright red eyes and I can barely think clearly enough to type.

Maybe a few beers will help.

# posted by Keith : 1:20:00 PM

AFFL Fantasy Football League

It's that time of year again. The start of the football season, and you haven't set up your Fantasy Football team yet.

Every year while I worked in an office I took part in the in-house fantasy league. I never won, of course, but even if I did win the prizes were pathetic. Last year the winner took home $100 after a $10 entry fee. Not the best investment, when you think about it.

This year, since I work alone in this damned home office I don't have any colleagues to play with, so I'll be taking part in the AFFL league - and lemme tell you the prizes are pretty damned cool. If I take the free membership option the grand prize is a 40" LCD TV valued at $2,999, while the Platinum option pays out at $200,000. That's foldin' money. Plus you get a crystal trophy worth 9 grand.

So, if you think your football knowledge is second to none it might be a good idea to invest in the Platinum package and take home a few years' salary. If, like me, your instincts are a little more rusty, you might as well take the free option and go for the TV. Either way it makes for a fun season.

# posted by Keith : 1:06:00 PM

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Project Management and Leadership

The success of any venture depends of solid leadership. Without a leader brimming with motivation, leadership and management skills the venture is a rudderless ship.

That's why project management skills are such an important factor in a business. According to the Project Management Institute, competent project management played a major role in such high profile projects as the Salt Lake City Winter Games, the forthcoming Beijing Summer Games and the rebuilding of the Pentagon following the attacks on 9/11. Without expertise in project management and leaders who were trained to apply their skills, these projects could never have been completed.

Imagine the repercussions to both business and national security if these large projects hadn't benefited from the guiding hand of project managers - if the Olympic venues hadn't been completed on time or, worse, the Pentagon took years to repair. Both would have been disastrous for America. Clearly, then, the most important factors in any venture are ensuring that managers are well versed in project management techniques and are able to control project teams to get the best out of them.

# posted by Keith : 12:43:00 AM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Amazon Deals

My younger sister is due to start college in a week or two, and she's just now realizing exactly how expensive the whole mess can be. It was ridiculously pricy when I went, but in the intervening years the expense seems to have exploded. I only hope that she won't be left with the $40,000 or so of debt that I was left with ($15,000 necessity, $25,000 stupidity).

To help a little with the cost, Amazon are running a deal where you get a $15 discount when you spend $150 on textbooks. It may not sound like a lot, but since the cost of textbooks can run into the thousands during your college career, that 10% discount can add up to a whole lot of beer in time.

If you or your young one is heading off to college this year - or if they're just studying in high school - you can find details about Amazon's offer at this Amazon deals page.

# posted by Keith : 7:32:00 AM

Hurrah!

I seem to have struck on an idea for an online income stream that nobody has yet considered. I'm not gonna tell you what it is (ever. Even if I make a million) because it's easily copied and requires nothing more than the ability to send an email and use your brain for a moment or two.

Essentially it would mean a perpetual stream of cash would flow into my Paypal account, much faster than my modest tastes could possibly spend it. All I have to do to get it off the ground is get around $500 in the old Paypal account (I should have that by this evening when I get paid for a job I've been doing this week). It'll take a little work, but I'm getting quite excited now. I think I may have solved my financial problems permanently :)

# posted by Keith : 7:26:00 AM

Digital Cameras

In the past few weeks I've done pretty well income wise, so I'm looking for a little treat for myself. Problem is, I can't think of what to buy. There's only one book I really want to read, but it doesn't come out until the end of the month. A car would be a little too expensive to be considered a little treat, so I'm looking for something somewhere between the two.

With that in mind, I've been taking a look at the range of Digital Cameras from PC World. A digital camera is just one of those things I've never bothered to have. I've always been happy enough with the 1.3MP camera on my phone. Still, when you see the clarity you can get with some modern cameras it's difficult not to want one, so I'll probably end up investing in a really expensive camera only to jam it in a drawer for the next ten years.

Still, sometimes you just have to treat yourself.

# posted by Keith : 7:12:00 AM

Bah

Jesus, I'm tired. I was supposed to go to a bar last night with a few friends but I fell asleep and didn't wake up 'til 1am. Now I'm sitting here banging the keyboard trying to get an assignment out of the way while everyone else is happily drunk.

Sure, I'd still be facing a tight deadline if I'd been out to the bar, but at least I'd be facing a deadine with a gallon or so of beer in my stomach. Deadlines don't seem so bad then.

# posted by Keith : 7:10:00 AM

SEO Specialists

I hang out at a particular webmaster forum where I find most of my work (which shall remain nameless - I don't want no crazy stalkers following me there), so I end up in a lot of conversations that run along the lines of "why is Google ignoring my site?" Since placing high on Google for your target keywords can often mean the difference between just scraping a living and flying your own private jet with a bevy of biotches, one of the most important factors in building a commercial website is making it search engine friendly. If Google and the other big engines can't find your site (or can find it but can't index it properly) you're pretty much screwed.

With this in mind, it's usually a good idea to leave it to the professionals to optimize your site for the search engines. Apogee Search, f'rinstance, are a company who specialize in Search Engine Optimization in Austin, Texas. If you're looking for an SEO company to tune your site, it might be worth taking a look.

# posted by Keith : 6:57:00 AM

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Cheapstingybargains - Online Discounts

If there's one thing that never fails to piss me off it's buying something expensive only to discover that I could have saved a pile o' money buying it elsewhere. It seems to happen every time I get a new computer. Within a few days I'll see it advertised $100 cheaper.

This isn't my fault, though. It isn't that I just take the first price I find. The problem is that it's impossible to find all the best offers as they're spread all over the Internet. It just isn't practical to spend days tracking down savings. As a self-employed fool, time is money. The time I spend looking for $100 discount is time I could have spent earning $200.

It's for this reason I value deal sites so highly. By bringing the best offers on the Internet together in a single place they save me the legwork of searching for them myself. One of the best sites I've found is Cheapstingybargains. While they offer bargains on over 40 categories from cell phones to sports gear, the real gems can be found in the computer section.

For instance, take a look at the Dell coupons page. Buying through Cheapstingybargains you can pick up a Dell from as little as $319 - with $240 off the original price. If you're looking for a new computer it'd be crazy not to take a look at Cheapstingybargains.

# posted by Keith : 12:35:00 AM

Saturday, September 02, 2006

DealScans - Bargains on the Net

If there's one thing the Internet is good for, it's shopping. In the past few years our confidence in online shopping has increased hugely - and as a result the online shopping industry is now worth billions of dollars each year.

Chief among the reasons online shopping has grown popular is the fact that it's possible to get great deals on everything from movies and CDs to white goods and clothing. Whatever you want to buy, it's likely that you can get it cheaper online than in any bricks and mortar store. To help you find the cheapest deals, sites like DealScans have sprung up. To save you the hassle of hunting down the best offers, DealScans scours the Internet for reduced prices and offers them up in one place.

Offering products at ridiculous discounts - often over 60% off the original price - DealScans should be an essential bookmark for every online shopper. As well as the main deal trackers offering deals from stores such as Amazon, Overstock and BestBuy, the site offers a forum that allows users to post bargains they find themselves. Why not take a look? You could make a great saving today.

# posted by Keith : 11:32:00 PM

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Damned Spyware

Over the past week or so this here PC has been struck down with several nasty viruses and spyware. After losing a few days of worktime through the continual crashing and freezing-up of the computer I've finally gotten rid of most of the nasties. Unfortunately I seem to have something called Zesty Find on the PC, some evil spyware that allows popups to bypass my blocking software. In the time it's taken me to write this I've had no less than 4 popups appear. It's damned annoying.

Any of you know how to get rid of Zesty Find? I can't seem to find help anywhere else.

# posted by Keith : 11:56:00 PM

PokeronaMac

Ha! Whether you're a fan of bad movies or not, you have to love this Snakes on a Plane meme. PokeronaMac.com has joined in with a clever Photoshopped advert for itself:

We got motherf***in poker on a motherf***in Mac!

Quite apart from using Sam Jackson to advertise poker, PokeronaMac seems like a nice little site. Catering for Mac users who want to take part in online poker games, it directs them towards sites that support Macs as well as PCs - and provides useful articles and tips on successful poker playing. Cool site.

# posted by Keith : 10:58:00 PM

Expat Medical Insurance - Taking the Worry Out of Travelling

What would you say is the most important thing to do before taking a trip abroad? While arranging a cab from the airport to the hotel may be top of your personal list, arranging international medical insurance should be your primary consideration.

This becomes even more important if you plan to stay overseas for a long while - be it a few months or a few years. While we take it for granted that we can receive medical care whenever we need it at home, while we're travelling we may find it difficult to get treatment without insurance - and the bills aren't a whole lot of fun, either.

Expat Medical Insurance are among the leading brokers of international medical insurance. Providing cover globally, they make the process of receiving treatment as simple as possible.

As well as providing cover for basic emergency care, Expat Medical Insurance offer policies with cover for everything from dental to maternity care. Their policies are designed to suit every pocket, and every traveller's individual requirements.

So, whether you're living overseas permanently or simply spending a few months sightseeing, Expat Medical Insurance can set you up with a global medical insurance policy that will give you the peace of mind you need, allowing you to enjoy your travels without worry.

# posted by Keith : 9:39:00 PM

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ford Mustang Forums

Those of us who are self-employed need targets to drive us forward. It can be all too easy to work only enough hours to cover the bills and living expenses, and then sit back in front of the TV for the rest of the day. However, with a tangible target - something to set our sights on - we give ourselves the motivation to get out of bed on time, sit down and do some real work.

Every freelancer has a different target. Some aim for an expensive holiday every year. Others aim to pay off their mortgage within five years. For me, it's a car. Since the day I started driving I've owned crappy little compacts that barely have enough grunt to haul me to the top of a hill, and top out at 4,000RPM. When I started working for myself I set my sights on something with a little more power - the Ford Mustang.

From the frankly menacing looks to the sheer power, the Mustang is an American icon. For me, it's one of the most stunning cars ever built. I'm clearly not alone in this belief. With almost 50,000 members, the Mustang Forums are home to thousands of fellow fans. With sections for trading cars and parts, tuning tips, debates about which is the best model and simple bragging and showing off, the Mustang Forums are a petrolhead paradise.

For those of you interested in the Mustang, there's a fantastic Ford Mustang timeline detailing the development of the model through the years, including everything from engine specs to the way the exterior styling was changed. It also looks at forthcoming Mustang models, from the 2007 model with the mean-looking slanted grille to the sleek, futuristic looking 2009 concept model.

Well written, entertaining and informative, I give the Mustang Forums five stars. Go now. I'll still be here when you get back.

# posted by Keith : 11:52:00 PM

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Finance News Today - Taking the Hassle Out of Insurance

There are many things in life that people just don't want to deal with. One of these things is searching for a good insurance quote. Unfortunately, most of us have to deal with insurance companies several times every year - we have to insure our homes, our cars, our health - even our lives.

To help keep your dealings with the insurance companies to a bare minimum - and to ensure that you get the best deals - Finance News Today offer tips and advice on all types of insurance, as well as access to the best insurance companies. By finding your insurance through Finance News Today you should be able to get that irritating chore out of the way as easily as possible, and end up with a great deal to boot!

# posted by Keith : 8:56:00 PM

One Touch Can Opener

Working from home and being far too lazy to cook real food, I'm a big fan of soup. You may laugh, but I could happily survive for year on tomato soup and bread (though I'd probably die from malnutrition within a month).

Problem is, for us left handers, can openers can be annoyingly fiddly things. Everythingis built for right handed people, so while it isn't exactly difficult to adapt to a right handed can opener it isn't comfortable.

Fortunately, through the wonders of technology, we can use electric can openers. TV Products For Less offer a One Touch Can Opener, a simple little thing that can open any size of can at the touch of a button (from the side, not the top, so there are no sharp edges). They're offering it at the moment for just $18.95, so for my fellow lefties it might not be a bad investment. If anybody's wondering what to get me for Christmas, there's your answer :)

# posted by Keith : 7:08:00 PM

Diet2Live Health Forum

Are you considering trying out a new diet or exercise regime? Well, if you are you could do a lot worse than start at Diet2Live. Diet2 Live is a chat and advice forum for the discussion of everything from the newest diets to the best way to exercise.

At Diet2Live you can discuss the difficulties and struggles of sticking with a diet or difficult exercise with people who are going through the same difficulties - making it easier for you to stick to your plan and increase your chances of getting back into shape.

The best part of the site in my opinion is the personal journals section. Here you can keep forum members up to date with your progress, spurring you on to do better. You can post pictures and details of you weight so that you can actually see your progress as time goes on.

# posted by Keith : 2:28:00 PM

Friday, August 25, 2006

PayPerPost Article on Digg

Dan Rua, a fellow PayPerPoster, has written a great article about the phenomenon that is paid posting. If you're a member at Digg I ask that you head over there and digg it right now.

The article argues that the pro-PayPerPost bloggers are clearly winning the battle against the snooty elite who think that this is a bad idea. All I have to say to that is, well, thanks to PPP I have $250 I wouldn't otherwise have earned, and $250 can buy a lot of beer and cigarettes.

For those of you who have yet to make your mind up on the PayPerPost thing, I say you shuld give it a try. The more bloggers doing it, the more advertisers will be interested in using the service. There just isn't a better way to make money blogging, so what are you waiting for?

# posted by Keith : 2:13:00 AM

Eyes Burning... Must... Go... To Bed

There's something about an approaching deadline that can make you work pant-wettingly fast. Considering I lost almost a full day of potential working time yesterday due to my downed PC, I was panicking a little at the fact that I have two projects that the clients are tapping their watches on - both of them far from complete.

Still, for the last 8 hours or so I've knuckled down and written solidly. No TV, no breaks, barely even enough time to go take a piss. The result is that I've gotten 2 days worth of work completed in just a day, and I'm now almost - not quite, but almost - on schedule.

Even better than that is the fact that I've more than doubled my daily earnings target. You see, being a freelancer I have to set myself achievable daily targets to ensure that I earn enough to pay the bills and have something left over to pay for beer and other wastes of money. That target, then, is twice the amount necessary to pay the bills. F'r'example, if my monthly bills come to $1500 I'll aim to earn a minimum of $3000 over the month, so that even if I have a disastrous month down the line I'll have enough to cover the shortfall.

If I can keep up this kind of workrate I'll have something approaching $5,000 spare cash a month from nowm, which would easily pay for my intended trip the the Big Apple in November. Rock on!

# posted by Keith : 1:57:00 AM

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The New TV Guide

A couple of weeks ago my old 20-something inch CRT TV in my bedroom exploded on me. Halfway through an episode of Futurama - BANG! Picture flicked off, everything started to fizz and the smell of burnt plastic filled the room. I can't complain - after all, I got a good ten years' service out of that old thing.

So, I need a new TV. Question is, with so many options available these days how can I choose the best option? Do I go for a huge CRT to take advantage of low prices, or should I go for the future-proof option and invest in a HD-ready plasma or LCD set? Hard to choose. So, it's lucky I have The New TV Guide to help me. Full of buying tips for new TVs, the guide helps you make the best choice to fit your requirements.

I think I'll take another look now. If you're in the market for a new TV I'll see ya there.

# posted by Keith : 9:22:00 PM

Bah

I've just spent an extremely frustrating 4 hours trying to fix this damned computer. Something happened this morning and everything stopped working. I know nothing about PCs so that's as technical as I can get.

Anyway, System Restore wasn't working so I had to run a full system recovery - fixing the problem but deleting my modem drivers. So, after two trips to my brother's house to get the drivers off the net, several hours of frustrating trial and error and far too many cigarettes to calm my temper, I ended up going into the registry and fiddling with some things. Suddenly, everything worked.

Still, if I suddenly go offline for a few days you can assume the problem returned and I threw the PC out of a high window. Computers suck.

# posted by Keith : 9:18:00 PM

The Gambling Guide

Most of you who have been paying attention will be well aware of my love for gambling. I've been doin' it for years and I love it a little too much, so I had to cut back.

Those of you who have a little more self-control than I do and can keep there gambling at strictly a hobby level rather than my own all-or-nothing approach may enjoy this little site - gambling-guide.info, the gambling guide of choice for everyone who likes to win.

Basically, the gambling guide does exactly what it says on the box. It provides a comprehensive guide to all things gambling - explaining the rules for gambling on all things from poker to baseball, and rugby to bingo. It also provides valuable hints and tips to help maximise your chance of winning - always a good thing.

The most useful section of the site for me is the guide to card games - teaching you how tp play Texas Hold 'Em, seven card stud and a whole host of other games.

If you enjoy gambling this is the place to go. Trust me.

# posted by Keith : 8:58:00 PM

Free Ringtones Site

Kids these days, eh? They all have to have the latest novelty ringtones on their cellphones, and they expect the parents to pay for them to download new tones. If you're tired of paying for ringtones, whether you're a parent or a kid, you might want to start at ThinkTank Software.

On top of free ringtones the site also helps you find the latest craze, the mosquito ringtone. It's a tone that plays at such a high frequency that most adults can't hear it, so kids can receive text messages and calls in class without the teachers knowing about it. I only wish it had been around when I was in school.

# posted by Keith : 8:16:00 PM

Ted Murphy - Weird

Now, as you may know PayPerPost pay bloggers to post ads on blogs. What you probably don't know is that its founder Ted Murphy is a little odd.

You see, Ted lives in a cave, inside a home-made MRI machine constructed from cardboard and antique Coke bottles. His teeth are made of tungsten, and his fingernails occasionally, just occasionally, glow in the dark.

He's an odd fellow, all in all.

# posted by Keith : 8:05:00 PM

UFOSeek.org - UFO News

Do you believe in aliens? Personally, I'm not so sure. I'm the sort of person who wouldn't be convinced until I was actually in a spaceship, and even then I'd have my doubts.

If you do believe in UFO's you should be interested in this little site - UFOSeek.org is a clearing house for all things weird and wonderful. Pulling news and stories from a range of Internet news sources, the front page is given over to two news feeds - one about crazy UFO-news and the other from a more scientific perspective, including news from NASA.

All in all, a very entertaining site.

# posted by Keith : 8:03:00 PM

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Buyertools Reminder - eBay Bidder

Following on from my earlier post about eBay utilities, here's another one - the Buyertools Reminder. Basically this little piece of software performs two main functions. First, it's an automatic eBay bidder, so it bids on your behalf at predetermined times on auctions, allowing you to sit back and forget about them. Second, it issues a reminder to warn you that an auction you're watching is nearing its end.

One of the great things about the Buyertools Reminder is that it has a ton of little features that improve your eBay experience and make buying that much easier. As well as playing a reminder on your PC when an auction is about to end you can set it up to send you a free text message in case you're away from the computer. Clearly, an alert function that can catch you even when you're away from your PC is perfect if you don't have the time to sit there for hours on end tracking an auction.

The icing on the cake, though, is that fact that not only is this little piece of software free but that it doesn't contain any sort of spyware or advertising that would spoil your enjoyment - plus there's a free support forum on the website to answer your technical questions and take your suggestions for improvements.

The Buyertools Reminder, I think, is a must for any serious eBayers, and a useful piece of kit for anyone who uses eBay.

# posted by Keith : 8:06:00 PM

MagsDirect - Online Magazine Subscriptions

As soon becomes obvious when you take a look down the recent posts on this site I'm all about convenience. I'm a fan of anything that'll save me time and effort, giving me more time to lounge around doing as little as possible.

Right at the top of my list comes anything that can save me from the horrors of shopping. As a rule I only go food shopping after midnight so I can avoid the unwashed masses. I also have a few subscriptions to magazines and newspapers to avoid the daily visit to the store for my literary fix.

Surprisingly, considering my aversion to effort and love of all things inexpensive, I've never taken advantage of those subscription cards that fall out of my magazines - y'know, the ones that offer a year's subscription for a fraction of the cover price. Maybe it's the fact that I have to fill in the subsription card and then go to the mailbox that stops me - seriously, I'm really that lazy.

That's why I think I'll soon fall in love with MagsDirect.com. You can get magazine subscriptions with just a few clicks of the mouse - and they're so cheap they're almost free. FHM - $10/year; Esquire - $7.97/year; save 68% on Men's Fitness and so on. You can set yourself up with enough reading material for a year for the cost of a few packs of cigarettes. It's unbelievable.

# posted by Keith : 7:22:00 PM

Pricepirates Price Comparison Tool

Now here's a handy piece of software for online shoppers - Pricepirates is a price comparison tool that allows you to check prices for items on eBay and other online merchants.

I've just tried this baby out and I have to say I'm blown away. I've always disliked using eBay. I always found it cumbersome to use, and you can't move fast enough to access auctions that are almost over. With Pricepirates you can run a search for, say, a digital camera and it'll return every result on eBay including the current price, Buy It Now price, number of bids and - crucially - a countdown timer accurate to the second so you know exactly when an auction ends.

The Pricepirates application itself is entirely free of spyware, popups or ads. I can't recommend this software highly enough. It's just brilliant. Download it now, or else :)

# posted by Keith : 6:51:00 PM

Boxing Depot - Cheap, Good Quality Boxing Equipment

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, there's nothing quite like punching something to relieve a little stress. I'm not a violent man - or even particularly strong - so I'd never advocate picking a fight with a real person, if only for the fact that I'd probably walk away with fewer teeth than I started with.

Instead, I prefer to take out my tension on a punching bag. I've had my old 40lb heavy bag for about ten years now, and both the bag and my gloves have seen better days. Truth be told, the heavy bag is just a few punches away from splitting open and the gloves offer the same protection as a pair of mittens. Of course, I'm legendarily lazy so I'd never get around to shopping for new boxing equipment.

Fortunately, though, I can get all I need from the Internet. Boxing Depot can get me a good 40lb heavy bag for less than $70 - something that pays for itself in a matter of days during a stressful week. If you're looking to relieve some stress and get in shape while you're doing it I'd advise you to take a look.

# posted by Keith : 6:29:00 PM

Tracking Software - Spying on the Employees

Back when I worked a 9 to 5 job I had my own little cubby hole with a PC invisible to anyone not standing directly behind it. Of course, being a lazy young man I chose to spend my days surfing the Internet instead of working - the work was hard, the Internet was fun. You do the math.

Because nobody could see my screen I got away with murder for years. Whenever I saw a manager headed my way I'd simply minimize the screen and pretend to be getting on with work. I'd say that I probably put in about an hour of real hard work in any given day. The rest was spent playing Flash games and browsing forums.

One day, though, the company installed tracking software to the computers. Well, we got the shock of a lifetime. Those of us who'd been taking advantage got dragged into the boss's office and bawled out for an hour. One guy was fired on the spot (he had a few warnings on his record already) and we were sent back to work on the condition that the first time we visited a site not necessary for our work we'd be fired instantly.

The next few weeks were pure Hell. A few people left the company, and I considered it more than once. Within a few weeks, though, we began to accept the reality and our productivity went up. I'm surprised the company survived so long with the staff playing on the net all day but, looking back on it, getting tracking software was the only thing they could have done to avoid going down the tubes.

# posted by Keith : 3:36:00 AM

AAAAaahhhhh! No Income!

One of the problems with working nights from home is that every time I want to go to a bar with friends I end up losing out on a night of work. OK, not losing out on the work, but the income. The work can go hang :)

For whatever reason I've taken the last 5 or so days off work and slept through the night. While it's nice to get a little sleep for once I can;t help but worry that I haven't had any income for the last week. It gets to the point at which I'll have to chain myself to the desk and pop pep pills all night to get back into a rhythm.

Bah. It takes dedication to be self-employed. I wish there was a store I could buy some :)

# posted by Keith : 3:31:00 AM

Monday, August 21, 2006

Coupons, Coupons and More Coupons

Now this is a great idea for a site - listings of all the best Adidas coupons and money-off offers available. That link sends you to the Adidas page, where they're offering 15% off running shoes.

The rest of the site has listings to all the current retailers offering deals. Seems like this is a good place to check whenever you're thinking of making a large purchase. It'd be a shame to miss a $100 off a PC, or something equally good.

# posted by Keith : 6:13:00 AM

Bah

God damn, I got nothing done last night. I intended to stay up all night and write, but I ended up sitting on the couch watching Congo - y'know, that awful killer gorilla movie. Terrible. I passed out halfway through and lost three hours of writing time.

Now I'm tired as hell but I have 3,000 words that need to be written if I'm gonna meet my next deadline. I'm just gonna have to start unplugging the TV when I have to work. This sucks.

# posted by Keith : 6:11:00 AM

Table Mate

What with working at the computer all the time I occasionally resort to sitting in bed with a laptop. The only problem with this is that those bad boys heat up like you wouldn't believe, and more than an hour or two can get deciededly uncomfortable.

This Table Mate seems like a good solution. It's basically a TV tray, but I can also use it for working on the laptop. You can buy it through those late night infomercials but if you buy it through the link the delivery time is much lower and there's a $5 discount. You know it makes sense.

# posted by Keith : 6:06:00 AM

Uhhhhhhh....

Finally I'm beginning to recover from the weekend. I went to a friend's wedding reception Saturday night at the unlikely venue of a scout camp in the middle of nowhere. Nice place, actually. It had a good lodge with a bar, and some good accommodation for those of us who wanted to stay over. If the rain had held off it would have been perfect, but you can't win 'em all.

Still, far too much drink. Budweiser should be banned.

# posted by Keith : 6:03:00 AM

Ionic Pro Air Purifier

For the last ten years or so I've been hit by increasingly more severe hayfever each year. I can usually keep it more or less under control with antihistamines, but it's annoying to have to rely on medication just to get through the day without sneezing my brain out through my nose.

Here's something that may help people like me - the Ionic Pro air purifier helps clear your house of dust and pollen, reducing the effects of hayfever and other allergies. Looks like a good deal - I may be tempted to place an order myself.

# posted by Keith : 5:57:00 AM

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Stop SPAM Emails - Protect Your Address

As you know, I often post warnings about email scams here. While I find them funny, what I don't like is regular SPAM. Every day I spend far too much of my time sifting through my inbox to separate the wheat from the chaff. I've had the same email address for about 5 years now, so damn near every SPAMmer and scammer has it on file - meaning that my ratio of SPAM: real mail is around 50:1. Not fun.

There is a way to stop SPAMmers getting hold of your address, though. You see, SPAMmers harvest email addresses from places like forums, blogs and such - basically, anytime you leave your address in some sort of public place there will be a nasty little automated bot there ready to pick it up. So what can you do?

Well, how about this? Instead of simply writing your email address with text, why not convert it to an image to thwart those evil bots? Take a look at this:

Simple. The bots can't read it now - by that simple method I can stop SPAM in its tracks.

# posted by Keith : 1:37:00 AM

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hmmmmmm...

Y'know, leading on from my earlier post about making $200 every week out of blog advertising for PayPerPost, I've been thinking about what that could buy me. Let's see....

10 good hardback books every week.

9 DVDs every week.

60 cigarettes every day. Sure, it'd kill me, but at least it wouldn't cost me anything.

50 beers every week. Again, a slow and painful death, but God! I'd have a good time doing it.

I'd pay off the debt on my car in 18 weeks.

I'd pay off every penny I owe to anyone in the world in 1 year, 4 weeks and 2 days.

Finally, I could put 10 grand aside every year, so by the time I retire at 65 I'd have $400,000 plus interest in the bank.

I'm confused. Why isn't everybody doing this, again?

# posted by Keith : 5:09:00 AM

Minnesota Driver Education Software - Helping You Drive Safely

It's a proud moment for any young person to get their drivers license. However, what with the dangers associated with reckless driving the rules are becoming ever more stringent to ensure that only good drivers pass.

To give yourself the best possible chance of getting that license you can invest in specialised Minnesota driver education software to guide you through the process of learning how to drive, making sure that by the time you get your full license you are proficient in the rules of the road for your state and truly ready to take control of a car.

This software, fully approved by the state of Minnesota, will help you get to grips with state driving laws and help make you a better, safer driver.

# posted by Keith : 4:52:00 AM

PayPerPost - Angels of the Blogosphere

I'm sure that buy now you've heard of the phenomenon of PayPerPost. They've been going now for a couple of months, and it looks as if they're here to stay.

When PayPerPost first started I didn't bother to join. I didn't expect they could find enough advertisers willing to pay bloggers to write for them. However, after a couple months it's clear that there are more advertisers than I could possibly write for. In fact, as we speak there are 97 different advertisers offering cash money for product reviews, comment and buzz generation. These guys have so far exceeded my expectations that it's unbelievable. Hell, I'm so impressed that I'm writing 2 or 3 posts a day for them - and after a week of this I've earned a little under $200.

Think about that. $200 every week, for doing more or less what you're already doing. For bloggers, this is literally the best thing that has ever happened. Someone has come along and turned our hobby into a profession overnight. God bless 'em, is all I can say.

You can find these guys at http://www.payperpost.com. Do it.

# posted by Keith : 12:57:00 AM

Shopping = Hell

I had a nasty moment today. I had to go... shopping. *shiver*

I realised this morning that I was almost entirely out of food, and there was nothing appealing to have for my dinner. Now, I live in my own little midnight world since I work nights, so I rarely go shopping before 2am. I enjoy walking through empty aisles, only having to occasionally pull of a deft turn to avoid those big plastic stock trolleys the night staff push around.

The supermarket at 2pm, however, is a different beast entirely. Every aisle was full to bursting with annoying people lost in their own thoughts, paying no attention to those around them and getting in each other's way. Every line was at least 5 people long, and the ten items or less line was full of people carrying baskets with 20, 30 items. These people should be unceremoniously booted out of the shop for their ignorance.

So. I vowed to myself on leaving that I would never again shop before midnight. I'll never need to buy anything so desperately that I'll be willing to go back in to that pit.

# posted by Keith : 12:49:00 AM

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

PayPerPost

I Get Paid to Blog

Here, have some poorly Photoshopped rubbish. Take that, smartguy!

# posted by Keith : 3:35:00 AM

Fun Zero Gravity Flight

Now this is what a real zero gravity flight should look like. Excited people being nasty to cats. Only not so much with the pet abuse. That's just not the way I roll.

# posted by Keith : 3:33:00 AM

What Would You Pay Someone To Do?

You kow how I get a little pocket money buy blogging for PayPerPost (God bless'em, by the way, for allowing me to Get Paid For Blogging)? They're asking today what you'd pay someone to do.

Myself, I'd pay someone to feed my cat. It's a real headache knowing that you can't just take off for a few days on a whim without arranging to have a friend or relative drop by and pour out the slop she eats. It'd be nice to throw some money at a neighbour and tell them to feed her whenever my car vanishes for more than a day.

Hey, with the money I earn blogging for PayPerPost I could probably do that anyway! Woohoo. Off to Tijuana!

# posted by Keith : 3:20:00 AM

Zero Gravity Flight

Ha! What you have to love about this is the fact that everyone else on the flight looks like they're not impressed by zero gravity. It's like watching tourists in New York. Hohum. Just another day at the office.

# posted by Keith : 2:18:00 AM

Monday, August 14, 2006

New York, New York

So, if all goes well I'll be heading to New York later this year to support my brother while he runs the city's marathon. Of course, when I say support him I mean I'll be off seeing the sites and looking like a country rube while he sweats his ass off for 26 miles.

Thing is, I'm going for a week or so and I'd really like to see some football while I'm there. However, since I can't guarantee that I'll be able to spare the time to go until literally the last minute (depends if I have any jobs that can't be put off at the time) I'll have to get my tickets either from a scalper or the Internet. Obviously I'd prefer to avoid scalpers. As I say, I'm a rube. I'd probably spend $100 on Ice Capades tickets by mistake. So, I've hunted down tickets4concerts.com. They sell Football Tickets, so I'm thinking I'll grab some action from them as late as possible before the game I want to see.

Anyway, I don't really care what I see as long as it's entertaining. I've never seen a college football game, so if I can't get hold of NFL tickets I might just drop in on the NCAA. Hut! Hut!

# posted by Keith : 10:47:00 PM

Lost in Time

You know when you have those moments when you can't quite remember what day it is? When it happens to me I kinda fall apart - it's almost as if knowing where I am according to the calendar gives me some kind of roots. Losing those roots can be a little disorienting.

Anyway. I've had no idea what day it is on and off for a few weeks now. Since I work nights my working day straddles two days, so that isn't helping. On top of that I work silly hours. Sometimes I start work on a Monday evening and don't stop until Wednesday morning when my eyes are gummed closed and I can't remember my own name. None of this lack of routine helps me keep track of the days.

It isn't really important, but it seems a little stupid to have to consult the TV guide to find out whether it's a weekday or not, doesn't it? I'm fairly sure we're going into Tuesday now, but only because I was watching something billed as the Monday Night Movie earlier this evening.

# posted by Keith : 10:40:00 PM

PayPerPost

Consumer Generated Advertising

I was born with this disturbing birthmark on my hand. I never knew what it meant until now...

# posted by Keith : 8:14:00 PM

I'll be Bankrupt Within the Month

I think I may have found the next thing my bank manager will implore me not to buy - the Sony Mylo. I won't listen, bank manager. You may as well stop pointing disappointedly towards my bank statement.

# posted by Keith : 7:55:00 PM

Sunday, August 13, 2006

MindComet

This is a pretty cool site if you're in the marketing business. Very smooth site. Describing themselves as an 'Interactive Agency', MindComet are part marketing consultancy, part technology developer. They count companies such as Sony, AOL and TNT among their clients, so you can guess that their reputation is beyond reproach.

As you'd expect, the website is slickly designed. As soon as you open the site a testimonial vide starts playing, describing how MindComet go above and beyond the call of duty to satisfy their clients. You can browse their portfolio and find out about their wide-range of services.

I'm a big fan of this site. If I needed any marketing work done these guys would be my first call. I'd probably have to sell a kidney to pay for their services, but I'm sure it'd be worth it.

# posted by Keith : 10:44:00 PM

Wow

This is just pure genius. An Asian woman took a photograph of her face every day for three years and put it together into a video to music. Imagine going to that much effort simply to make a 1-minute video - it's unbelievable.

# posted by Keith : 10:42:00 PM

Great Mortgage Website

I was working on a small project recently for a client who needed a little work doing on the subject of mortgages and related home finance stuff. Since I've never taken a mortgage I had very little idea of the ins and outs, so I had to do a few days of research before starting the job. One of the sites I found most helpful was Personalhomeloanmortgages.com. They have a great mortgage calculator on there that can help you work out your amortization schedule and calculate the total cost of your mortgage.

They also have a large section of the site devoted to finding the right home loan for you, analyzing the mortgage market and offering valuable advice. I'd say that if you're thinking about taking out a mortgage, this is the first site you should visit.

# posted by Keith : 9:46:00 PM

Ha!

Speaking as a cat owner, I can testify to the accuracy of this diagram. The only thing missing, in fact, is the part of the brain that makes the cat land painfully on your balls whenever she jumps onto your bed, and then proceed to pluck your face with her claws until you feed her.

# posted by Keith : 9:37:00 PM

Bizchair

Bizchair offer the widest range of school furniture available on the Internet. I wish there had been companies like this when I was back in high school. We had the worst school furniture you could possibly imagine - those flexible plastic chairs that bend dangerously when you lean back, scratched tables and blackboards so over-used that the chalk wouldn't come off.

Still, these days schools with any sort of budget at all can get decent furniture that - shock horror! - is actually comfortable and won't destroy student's spinal colums. They have a range of chairs that I wouldn't even mind using as a computer chair.

If only they weren't half-sized.

# posted by Keith : 9:23:00 PM

Stag Night

Ouch. Last night's stag night went badly. When I say badly, of course, I mean that it went great, but this morning's hangover went badly. Woke up on a kitchen floor, fully dressed, and had to drive home with the worst headache imaginable.

Still, it's something you have to do on a stag night. People who stay sober aren't real friends :)

# posted by Keith : 9:21:00 PM

Saturday, August 12, 2006

SmithBarney Group Scam

Here's a scam to watch out for. I've never seen a SmithBarney Citigroup email before. Looks like someone else has my email address. I should just ask: is there any scammer on Earth who doesn't have my address?

Dear Valued Customer,

SmithBarney Citigroup, is committed to maintaining a safe environment for our customers. To protect the security of your account, SmithBarney Citigroup, employs some of the most advanced security systems in the world and our anti-fraud teams regularly screen the Citibank system for unusual activity.

We are contacting you to remind you that on Jul. 30 2006 our Account Review Team identified some unusual activity in your account. In accordance with SmithBarney's User Agreement and to ensure that your account has not been compromised, access to your account was limited. Your account access will remain limited until this issue has been resolved.

We encourage you to log in and perform the steps necessary to restore your account access as soon as possible. Allowing your account access to remain limited for an extended period of time may result in further limitations on the use of your account and possible account closure. Visit now log on page and sign to account verification process:

https://www.smithbarney.com/cgi-bin/login/login.cgi?redir=yes

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Please understand that this is a security measure meant to help protect you and your account. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,
SmithBarney Citigroup,
Account Review Department.

# posted by Keith : 3:27:00 AM

As Seen On TV - Better Online

I've been running a few adverts in the past few days about As Seen On TV products like the Shed Ender and Auto Cool Solar Fan (you can find the links a few posts down on this page). The guys at As Seen On TV want to stress that these products are actually cheaper when you buy online than if you buy off the TV - and they get delivered quicker as your online order doesn't have to be processed by some clumsy minimum wage call center guy.

Personally, the price doesn't matter to me. I hate using the phone, so any opportunity to buy stuff with just a few clicks of the mouse is all good in my book. In fact, I've got a Shed Ender on order for my annoyingly furry cat. She'll be bald within the week. I don't care if the other cats laugh at her.

# posted by Keith : 3:18:00 AM

Funniest Scam Emails

I've been thinking recently (yes, I realize that's a rarity) about what would be the funniest example of a phishing scam. My favourites are the African businessmen desperate to get their money out of some war-torn nation. I don't know whether it's the poor spelling and grammar or just the image of a 'legitimate businessman' desperately turning the Bob Smith in Idaho for his financial assistance.

If I get some time over the next few days I'm gonna search through my vast archives of scam emails to find the one that tickled me the most. If you have any suggestions feel free to post them in the comments.

# posted by Keith : 3:12:00 AM

Avoiding Skull Flattening

My little brother recently had his first child, God bless'im. He's a few weeks old now (though my brother has aged 10 years in the same period), and I haven't yet stopped being amazed at how tiny he is. I can't believe a human can fit into something that small. It's crazy.

Anyway. My brother was telling me about the way babies skulls are soft for a while after birth, and that he's a little worried about either hurting the baby accidentally or just that his skull will get deformed from lying on the soft bit a little too much. To put his mind at ease I recommended the NightForm bed - you may have heard of it. A friend of mine who had his first kid last year raves about the thing, so I figure it has to be good.

So, my brother's getting one delivered in a few days. It's only about $40 or so, so I figure it has to be worth the investment if it means the kid will grow up to have a skull as beautifully formed as my own.

I kid, I kid. I'm horrendously deformed. My mother made me sleep on a wooden plank until I was 10.

Just kidding. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful :)

# posted by Keith : 2:59:00 AM

Wired

I've been up all night working my butt off, and to keep my eyes from drooping I've drank 2 big bottles of Diet Coke. The problem I have now is that I've finished my work and want to go to sleep. What with all the caffeine in my system I figure it'll be about 4 hours before I finally manage to drift off.

That would be fine and dandy, but I have to get up in a few hours to go shopping, have a barbecue and go to a friend's stag night. I'm predicting I'll collapse at some point in the next 24 hours with a severe case of haven'tsleptindaysitis. I should write a will.

# posted by Keith : 2:54:00 AM

Friday, August 11, 2006

Great Search Engine Marketing Site

For those of you who work in any field of web development (whether you're a professional or just interested in pushing your blog up the search engine rankings) Apogee Search have compiled a comprehensive glossary of terms associated with search engine marketing. Speaking as someone whose job occasionally creeps into the field, this SEO Glossary is a perfect kicking off point for any novice. It also offers a few terms I wasn't familiar with.

Bookmark it, guys.

# posted by Keith : 8:25:00 PM

The Classics are the Best

Here's an old classic. It's the basic eBay phishing scam you should always keep your eye out for. As a general rule I never reply to any emails from eBay. if I get an email that looks genuine I just visit the site and log in as usual. I'd never click on an email link to the site, though. Neither should you.

We were unable to process your most recent payment. Did you recently change your bank, phone number or credit card?.To ensure that your service is not interrupted, please update your billing information today by clicking here. Or contact eBay Member Services Team. We're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.If you have recently updated your billing information, please disregard this message as we are processing the changes you have made.

Regards, eBay Member Services Team

Learn more about selling with confidence.

If this email is inappropriate or in any way violates eBay policy, please help protect other eBay community members by reporting it to us immediately.

Regards, eBay Member Services Team

Learn more about selling with confidence.

# posted by Keith : 8:20:00 PM

Online Security Software

Back in the old days when I used to work in an office *shiver* we used to run rings around the management by surfing the Internet all day while we were supposed to be working. They didn't have any sort of monitoring software at the time, so all we had to do was minimize the browser screen when we saw the boss approaching and he was none the wiser.

After about a year of this they realized they had a problem, and started cracking down. According to a friend I had in the tech support department they installed Keystroke Logger software so they could see what we were doing. Within a couple of weeks we were on such a tight leash that nobody dared even log on to the web.

Of course, in retrospect it was a good idea. We were costing the company a lot of money in lost productivity, so it's fair enough that they'd use keystroke logger software to catch us out.

Anyway, with that in mind I was thinking another good use of this type of software would be to monitor your kids Internet use. Obviously, you don't want to be hanging over their shoulder while they're on the PC, but you don't want to give them free reign to visit any site they want, either. A company called SpectorSoft have a decent Keystroke Logger on sale. If you're concerned about your kids' safety online then maybe you should take a look.

# posted by Keith : 2:09:00 AM

Evil Scammer Uses Troops to Con Money

Here's another scam I just picked up on the FBI's website. Pretending to be a soldier to scam money out of people? That's as low as you can get.

08/10/06 —We have received reports concerning multiple e-mail hoaxes claiming to be from a soldier deployed to Iraq. The individual claims to possess millions of dollars and requests assistance in moving the funds. The funds allegedly came from a soldier who was an orphan and recently died while on a mission in Iraq. The individual claims he needs assistance donating the funds to an American orphanage.

THIS E-MAIL IS A HOAX. DO NOT RESPOND TO IT.

Be cautious when responding to requests delivered through unsolicited e-mail:

Be skeptical of individuals representing themselves as officials asking for donations through unsolicited e-mails or requesting help delivering funds to a charity or other program.

If you donate to a charity, ensure the contributions are received and used for the intended purposes. Contact recognized organizations directly; don’t rely on others to make the donation on your behalf.

# posted by Keith : 2:06:00 AM

Pet Hair Removal Gizmo

Now this is a cool little time-saver. The Shed Ender removes the undercoat of cats and dogs to cut down on shedding. From the look of the video on the website it looks like it really works, too.

We have endless problems with the cat every summer. She sheds huge amounts of fur that get matted in, and no matter how much we brush her she still ends up with huge lumps stuck in her coat. I'm definitely gonna get me one of these.

# posted by Keith : 1:46:00 AM

Nasty FBI Virus Email

Here's an nasty email claiming to be from the FBI. The attachment apparently contains a virus. It goes without saying, of course, that you shouldn't open it.

Dear Sir/Madam,

We have logged your IP address on more than 30 illegal Websites. Important: Please answer our questions! The list of questions are attached.

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation - FBI
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220
Washington, DC
20535
Phone: (202) 283-5817

# posted by Keith : 1:44:00 AM

Thursday, August 10, 2006

This is Where my Paycheck is Going

Isn't it amazing how computer memory shrinks with each passing day? I remember just 10 years ago when I got my first real PC (well, not counting the old Amstrad CPC 464 - that was rubbish). It came with just a simple floppy disk drive that could be used to store an enormous 1.2MB of data. Of course, that was more than enough in those days. I only used the computer to do college work so I only needed a few hundred kilobytes to save my essays.

These days, though, we need something with a little more grunt. What with the improvements in data compression and the availability of movies and music downloads, we need portable data storage that can handle at least a few gigabytes. Still, I had no idea that technology had advanced as far as this:

A company called Pexagon is selling a portable drive called the Store-It that can hold up to 120GB - and it's small enough to fit in your pocket.

This is insane. These 120GB drives have a greater capacity than the PC I'm using to type this post with. What's more, you can buy the biggest drive for less than $180! Pocket money, really, when you consider what you're getting.

I've been looking for something like this for ages. My PC upstairs isn't connected to the Internet, and it doesn't have a working CD drive. With this Store-It thingimajig I can transfer all my movies upstairs and watch them in bed through the USB port. Genius!

# posted by Keith : 9:19:00 PM

Peanut Butter Explosives?

Hah. Here's an excerpt from US News regarding the recent foiled terrorist plot to destroy British planes:

In a search of the suspects' homes, U.S. News has learned, British police have found low-concentration hydrogen peroxide, sugar solutions, peanut butter, and in one instance, nine tins of baked beans under a suspect's bed. Now it's up to the explosives experts to figure out whether these ingredients were intended for bomb-making purposes or, as one law enforcement official said, "Perhaps the guy just likes peanut butter."

While I don't doubt that the arrests were based on good intelligence, I'd question the effectiveness of actually naming the articles found. After all, you'd have a hard time finding a house that didn't contain any of these things. What you have, in effect, is a person with dyed hair and a poor diet.

# posted by Keith : 8:42:00 PM

Boxing Gloves and Stuff

Y'know, I've never been that much of a fighter. I did almost kill a world champion boxer, Ricky Hatton, once, but I was in my car and he was on foot so it clearly wasn't a fair fight. Besides, that's a story for another time.

Anyway. Despite my lack of punching prowess I've always kept a pair of boxing gloves in the house. There's just something about punching a bag without cutting up your hands that relieves stress. I think every home should have to have a punching bag and a pair of boxing gloves for each person, by law.

Call me an armchair psychologist, but I think you'd see a drop in the number of divorces. Had an argument with the wife? Go punch the bag. Kid got caught smoking pot? Work off the frustration on the sack. Violence: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems :)

# posted by Keith : 8:59:00 AM

Great New Financial Advice Site - Bankaholic

Now here's an interesting site for anyone looking for financial solutions. Bankaholic.com offers tips and advice on the best credit card deals, best money market accounts and all sorts of related services.

Launched just last month, the site's best feature (as far as I'm concerned, anyway) is the fact that it lets you know which banks are running introductory offers for new account holders. While smart investors choose their bank based on the interest rate, I've always been a stone cold sucker for cash bonuses.

In fact, I'm the reason credit card companies set up stands in malls. I can't seem to resist signing up for a card with a murderous interest rate as long as it comes with a free football phone and Blockbuster vouchers. I'm such a mug :)

# posted by Keith : 8:08:00 AM

Lock up your guns, guys

How many of you own a gun? Of those, how many of you keep them locked in gun safes? Just browsing around the Internet (as I do when I'm trying to avoid working) I stumbled on a statistic that shocked me - more than 341,000 guns are stolen from private residents every year. That just seems silly.

Of course, once a criminal has hold of a clean gun that can't be tracked to them they can go ahead and do what they like without fear of real-life CSI people matching up their striations (or whatever they do: I never really pay attention).

Seems to me like it would be a good idea to lock up your gun when your not using it. After all, getting it stolen will only convince the anti-gun folk even more that people can't be trusted with firearms.

# posted by Keith : 2:12:00 AM

Citibank Scam - and Not Even a Good One!

This one came through to one of my e-mail accounts this morning. I haven't seen this particular scam before, but I seem to be getting more and more Citibank emails every week. What makes it even more stupid is that they haven't even bothered changing the date from July 23rd. Idiots.

I think I'm going for a record: most scam emails received in a single week :)

CITIBANK

We recently have discovered that multiple computers have attempted to log into your CITIBANK Online Account, and multiple password failures were presented before the logons. We now require you to re-validate your account information to us.

If this is not completed by July 23, 2006, we will be forced to suspend your account indefinitely, as it may have been used for fraudulent purposes.

To continue please Click Here or on the link below to re-validate your account information : http://www.citibank.com/update Sincerely, The CITIBANK Team

Please do not reply to this e-mail. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered. For assistance, log in to your CITIBANK account and choose the "Help" link in the header of any page.

2006 CITIBANK Security Manager

# posted by Keith : 2:07:00 AM

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Free Push Email!

Most of my business tends to come through the old email - the days I can't get to the computer are the days I don't earn a penny. Sure, it means I can take a day off work, but that's no good when the bills start to arrive.

So, for the past five or so years I've been looking for a really good cellphone email service. Every option I've ever found was even far too expensive in data transfer cost to make it worthwhile - or it just didn't work well enough to trust.

So, in five years I've spent a ridiculous amount of money at Internet cafes when I'm away from home - there aren't that many wi-fi hotspots where I live, so I can't rely on the laptop either.

Now - a company called Emoze have come up with a free push email service for compatible phones that actually looks like it may work well. As I say it's free - and your emails are compressed before downloading to save on the data transfer costs - so the money definitely won't be a problem.

Now, emoze is compatible with Microsoft Outlook, so you don't have to set up any special email addresses to get them on your phone - just hook it up to Outlook and 'push' the mail to the phone. Emoze is compatible with quite a lot of phones, too - all the Microsoft PocketPCs, Microsoft Smartphones and most Symbian Series 60 phones - we're talking Nokias there: 6680, 6630, 6600 and 3230. Luckily for me I've got a Nokia 6680, so it looks like I'll be downloading this from Emoze when I get a minute.

Right - I'll let you all know how it works. If you can actually send email from your phone successfully I could try to set it up so I could blog through the phone via Outlook. The future is now :)

# posted by Keith : 12:39:00 AM

Bank of Hawaii Scam

Here's a nasty little one trying to grab your bank details:

Dear client of Bank of Hawaii,

Technical services of the Bank of Hawaii are carrying out a planned software upgrade.

We earnestly ask you to visit the following link to start the procedure of confirmation on customers data.

To get started, please click the link below and activate your upgrade by entering the information required through a secured server: https://www.boh.com/software_filter. jsp?LOB=RBGLogon

This instruction has been sent to all bank customers and is obligatory to fallow. Thank you,Customers Support Service.

# posted by Keith : 12:38:00 AM

Wire-Free Garden Lighting!

Now, this is a fantastic idea - Solar Lights for your garden!

We used to have a few lights set up at the back of our house, but we ended up having to drill a hole through the wall to feed the wires through. This kind of thing would have saved us a heck of a lot of trouble. I might be tempted to invest in something like this. Anyone had any experience with solar powered lights? Are they any good?

# posted by Keith : 12:23:00 AM

Paypal Scam

Here's a recent Paypal phishing scam. Seems to have turned up around early June this year.

You have added vanhelsing@comcast.net as a new email address for your account.

If you don't agree with this email and if you need assistance with your account, click here and process your login.

Thank you for using our service! Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you will not receive a response. For assistance, log in to your account and click the "Help" link located in the top right corner of any page.

E-Mail ID PP1035607

# posted by Keith : 12:21:00 AM

Auto Cool Solar Fan

Phew! It's been a darned hot summer for most of us, and it doesn't look like cooling down any time soo. Here's a nice little gizmo to cool the car down while you're away - the Auto Cool Solar Car Fan.

I could really use one of these things. Seems reasonably priced, so I think I'll pick one up. I'm tired of scorching my lungs when I jump in the car after shopping :)

# posted by Keith : 12:12:00 AM

Friday, August 04, 2006

What is it Good For? Absolutely Nothin'... Say it Again

As part of my Blog War with Basil I've been browsing through my logs, and I discovered that my readers are even more unbalanced than I thought.

In the past 24 hours people have searched for the following, and found Sortapundit:

Too drunk to fish

You're never too drunk to fish.

Mangrove trimming is not a smart thing

Not while you're drunk, anyway.

Brass knuckles overnight shipping

Who plans to punch someone 24 hours ahead of time?

Alas, I have yet to make a dent on the listings for Paris Hilton's cell phone number. I did show up, I think, for Gizoogle, but it was way, way down - something like page 5. Patience, grasshopper. Before long I will be the king of strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers. The niggas at DFNCTSC will bow down to their true God, and I will fulfil my promise to the people of earth by putting a car in every garage and a Jamie Lynn Spears naked in every pot. Also, girls big tit and free big tit sites.

# posted by Keith : 4:52:00 PM

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Standard Wells Fargo Scam

These are my least favorite scams - I always worry about my grandma falling for them.

Dear Wells Fargo customer,

We recently reviewed your account, and suspect that your wellsfargo account account may have been accessed by an unauthorized third party. Protecting the security of your account and of the wellsfargo network is our primary concern. Therefore, as a preventative measure, we have temporarily limited access to sensitive account features.

To restore your account access, please take the following steps to ensure that your account has not been compromised:

Login to your wellsfargo account. In case you are not enrolled yet for Internet Banking, you will have to use your Social Security Number as both your Personal ID and Password and fill in the required information, including your name and account number.

Review your recent account history for any unauthorized withdrawals or deposits, and check your account profile to make sure no changes have been made. If any unauthorized activity has taken place on your account, report to wells fargo immediately.

To get started, please click the link below:

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and appreciate your assistance in helping us maintain the integrity of the entire Wells Fargo system. Thank your for your prompt attention to this matter.

Wells Fargo - Online Banking

Sincerely, Wells Fargo Team.

# posted by Keith : 8:46:00 PM

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

But What About the Ads?

Now here's a good post. Carnivorous Conservative makes the interesting point that the conventional ranking system for blog popularity (number of hits) may not reflect the true popularity of each site.

When we look at the average visit length of the top blogs (according to the industry standard NZ Bear rankings) it appears that many of the top trafficked sites log much less actual reader time than you would expect.

I won't go deep into the maths of it (I'd love to, considering my status as obsessive-compulsive stats-hawk, but others have already done it better than my half-assed attempt would be), but I have one point to make that I don't think anyone has mentioned.

Taking into account that visit length stats are skewed by the fact that a visitor who doesn't refresh the page will count as a 0 second visit, would a blog that attracts a longer average visit be more attractive to advertisers, and should this be reflected in the rates?

Protein Wisdom, for example, attracts around 9,500 hits a day, has an average of 2.3 page views per visitor, and logs a reader time of over 169 hours a day. Eschaton, on the other hand, has over 63,000 hits a day, an average of only 1.1 page views, and logs 141 reader hours per day.

The Blogad rates for the two sites are as follows (for the premium ads, left sidebar top of the page) - Eschaton - $4000/month. Protein Wisdom - $150/month.

Now I'm no expert in marketing, but I would assume that simply clicking through on a Blogad isn't necessarily the be all and end all of the matter. As I understand it advertising is all about duration and brand awareness. The idea is to get a brand name to stick in the mind of the consumer: either by blasting them with a memorable ad or creating an environment in which you can expose them to the ad for a long time. Surely, then, an ad on Protein Wisdom -a site where the average visitor stays for a long time - would be more attractive to the advertiser than an ad on Eschaton.

On another subject, Dan at Carnivorous Conservative makes the point (in Politburo comments) that those sites that log higher average visit lengths are simply better at engaging their readers than other. Speaking as someone with an average visit length of almost 2 minutes I'm happy to accept that hypothesis.

Rusty agrees with this type of thinking:-

the initial numbers he's using may be off, I think the overall gist of his method is sound. And by 'sound' I mean highly inflates the importance of my blog while deflating the importance of my rivals!

Others blogging - NZ Bear, Politburo Diktat, and the Llama Butchers are satisfied.

# posted by Keith : 6:10:00 PM

Saturday, July 22, 2006

From the 'Aw, Shit' Files

There's a moment at which you realise that your holiday is over, and that moment is when you are forced to read the mail that's been piling up behind the door for two weeks.

I got 7 identical letters from a company who owe me money, so I can overlook their administrative balls-up as long as they pay me.

The bad stuff, however, was nestled innocently below these:-

Dear Mr Taylor

Despite our recent letter about the unauthorised overdrawn balance on your account, we have still not received a payment or any satisfactory proposals.

We are therefore giving you 10 days to contact us with your proposals or to make a payment by Switch, Delta or Solo over the phone. If you fail to do so, a Formal Demand will be issued. This could mean you will have difficulty obtaining credit in the future.

And

Dear Mr Keith Taylor,

We have still not received the overdue amount shown above and your balance is still over the credit limit. Please be aware that your credit facility has been suspended.

And

Dear Mr Taylor

We recently wrote to you regarding an overdrawn balance on your account.

You may not be aware that, on the 4th January, your -------- Student and Graduate Account was £----.-- overdrawn, which is beyond the overdraft limit of £----.-- we agreed.

And

Dear customer.

Despite previous reminders you have chosen to ignore our attempts to resolve this seriously overdue debt.

Please be advised that the relevant paperwork is now being prepared for the issue of a County Court Summons (or to commence proceedings in the Sheriff's court if appropriate).

And

We are writing to you about your National Insurance contributions for the tax year 6 April 2002 to 5 April 2003, because we think you haven't paid enough for that year to count towards your State Pension.

And annoyingly

Dear Mr Taylor,

When someone claims Jobseeker's Allowance we need to find out why their job ended.

Your former employer has said that you left of your own accord, and that the reason you gave for leaving was ----------.

Please note that it is in your best interest to respond to this letter as you lose Jobseeker's Allowance if you do not.

And

FINAL DEMAND

We have now been instructed by our client to take further action to recover this debt.

You must MAKE PAYMENT NOW to avoid:

Possible LEGAL ACTION through your LOCAL COUNTY COURT which could mean:-

JUDGMENT being made against you.
An ATTACHMENT OF EARNINGS being applied for.
WARRANTS being issued, or

one of our DEBT COLLECTORS calling at your address.

Maybe I should have just stayed over there.

# posted by Keith : 7:53:00 AM

Friday, July 21, 2006

1/2 a Mill and an Average Car

You have to wonder why people go to the trouble of mentioning high profile companies in their scams (unless, of course, it's intrical to the plot as in a PayPal 'please log into your account' scams). Given the motivation Honda could probably hunt down the guy who wrote this one and get him in some serious trouble. Idiot.

FROM:HONDA COMPANY UK. ATTENTION:

TICKET NUMBER: 2752246896 SERIAL NUMBER:

652-662 BATCH NUMBER :
AT-040SB06-03 AWARD FINAL NOTIFICATION:

We are pleased to inform you of the release, of the long awaited results of the HONDA CAR INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION PROGRAM held on June 6th, 2006.You were entered as dependent clients with: Reference SERIAL NUMBER: 652-662 and Batch number AT-040SB06-03. Your email address attached to the ticket number: 2752246896 that drew the lucky winning number, which consequently won the sweepstake in the first category, in four parts.

You have been approved for a payment of 500,000.00euros(FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EUROS.)in cash credited to file reference number:IPL/4249859609/WP1.This is from a total cash prize of five million euros shared among the ten international winners in first categories. Along with a New Blue 2006 Honda Car.

Congratulations!!!!! All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 50,000 (Fifty thousand) names of email users around the world, as part of our international promotion program. Due to mixed up of some names and addresses, we ask that you keep this award personal, till your claims has been processed and your funds remitted to you. This is part of our security measures to avoid double Claiming or unwarranted taking advantage of the situation By other participants or impersonators.

You're contacting Your/our-accredited agent for your claims:
MRS MONET BRONZE. HONDA CLAIMING SECURITY AGENCY.Email:
hondaagent1@sify.com

She is your agent, and responsible for the processing and transfer of your winnings to you. YOUR SECURITY FILE NUMBER IS W-91237-H°67/B4 (keep personal) Remember, your winning must be claimed not later than June 14th. Failure to claim your winning/ fund will be added to next 10,000.000 euros AND CAR international lottery program. Furthermore, should there be any change in your address, do inform your claims agent as soon as possible. Once again Congratulations.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr Hardy Grey.
HONDA CAR/LOTTERY CO-ORDINATOR HONDA LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL

# posted by Keith : 8:29:00 PM

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Want a Billion Dollars?

If memory serves, this is the highest value email I've received. Who could possibly turn down the opportunity to get a large chunk of a cool billion dollars? I know I couldn't resist, and I now own my own island, and a team of slaves.

BOARD OF TRUSTEES
PETROLEUM RESOURCES COMMITTEE
Fax: 234-1-7594304
ATTENTION: THE PRESIDENT/CEO
REQUEST FOR BUSINESS AND CO-OPERATION
I am MR. TOBI C. WILLIAMS, Chairman of the Petroleum Resources Committee.

Terms of Reference:

My terms of reference involves the award of contracts to Foreign Multinational Companies and Corporations. My office is saddled with the responsibility of contract award, screening, categorization and prioritization of projects embarked upon by Petroleum Resources Committee(PRC) as well as feasibility studies for selected projects and supervising the project consultants involved. A breakdown of the fiscal expenditure by this office as at the end of last fiscal quarter of 2001 indicates that Petroleum Resorces Committee paid out a whooping sum of US$736M(SevenHundred And Thirty-Six Million, United States Dollars) to successful Foreign contract beneficiaries. The PRC is now compiling beneficiaries tobe paid for the Second and third Quarters of the 2002 fiscal year. The crux of this letter is that the Petroleum Resources Committee deliberately over invoiced the contract value of the various contracts awarded. In the course of disbursements, this department has been able to accumulate thesum of US$38.6M (Thirty-eight Million, six hundred Thousand U.S dollars) as the over-invoiced sum. This money is currently in a suspense account of the FMF account with the Debt reconciliation Committee (DRC) and has already been approved for payment in this year's supplementary budget allocation by the Federal Ministry of Finance (FMF) and awaiting to be immediately wired out of the country.

My duty as Co-ordinator of this project, is to solicit your unalloyed co-operation and assistance to enable us pull out this funds into any foreign account owned by your good self and covered by a foreign company's name to be used. Your co-operation in this business is essential, because members of the committee involved in this business are personalities who have attained impeccable track records of probity in the Civil Service of Nigeria and as such are not permitted to operate Foreign Account in discharging their functions as members of the Petroleum Resources Committee (PRC). Hence my role as the co-ordinator of this laudable project.

NOTE:

This business is 100% full proof, genuine and risk-free. Hence the need for Strict and Absolute Confidentiality till the end is All Important. Furthermore, sharing of this fund after remittance into your provided bank account will be done as follows: 70% for us here in Nigeria, 25% for you the Account owner and 5% to cover as re-imbursement, any expenses which may be incurred in the course of transferring the funds into your account. We estimate that this project will last for Two weeks only, given your fullest co-operation.

All enquiries should be directed to the undersigned by FAX and or by E-MAIL. Trusting in a good and long lasting business relationship with you.

I will await your reply immediately through Fax No. 234-1-7594304 and or by mail.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation and God bless.

Yours faithfully,
ENGR. TOBI CHRIS WILLIAMS
Chairman, Petroleum Resources Committee (PRC)
Fax: 234-1-7594304
E-mail: stbwills@mail.com

# posted by Keith : 8:06:00 PM

Monday, July 17, 2006

Cool! I've Won the Lottery

I always womder how they manage to convince people who don't play the lottery that they've won. People are just stupid, I guess.

RE: WINNING FINAL NOTIFICATION

Sir/Madam

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 1st of March 2005. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 20711465897-6291 with serial number 472-971102 drew lucky numbers 9-66-97-22-71-64 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$ 1,000,000. (one millon United States Dollars)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information very confidential till your claims has been processed and your prize/money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocolto avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse ofthis program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computerballot system drawn from over 200,000.00 company and 300,000.00individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place annually. We hope with part of yourwinning you will take part in our next year USD2 million ( Two Million United States dollars) international lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our appionted ADVOCATE Mr John Peters.

CLAIM LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL and they have been directed to make all payments to all the winners before the deadline which is 14th March, 2005

TEL: +31-630-9265 32
FAX: +31- 645 236 856
Email: johnpeters30@netscape.net with your telephone and especially your fax numbers so that they can send you the claims application form you(A4) which you fill out to expedite the transfer of your winnings to you the Beneficiary. Note that all winning must be claimed not later than 14th of March, 2005. After this date all unclaimed, funds will be included in the next stake.

Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Sincerely yours,
Mrs. Ellen Kloos
Lottery Coordinator.

REPLY EMAIL TO johnpeters30@netscape.net

# posted by Keith : 8:14:00 PM

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Just $8million?

I wonder why this guy settled on the rather meager sum of $8million for this email. After all, what can $8million buy you these days?

Dear. SIR/MADAM,

My name is Aruna Guei the son of late General Robert Guei, Ex-Military head of State of Ivory Coast who was murdered along with the Interior Minister on the 19th of September 2002. I contacted you because of my need to deal with persons whom my family and l have had no previous personal relationships. Since the murder of my father, We have been subjected to all sorts of harassment and intimidation with lots of negative reports emanating from the Government and the press about my family. The present Government has also ensured that our bank accounts are frozen and all assets seized.

It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the transfer of the sum of Eight Million United States Dollars only.(US$8,000,000.00) being the very last of my family fund in my possession and control, after the murder of my father the Federal Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international was frozen.

My only hope now is this cash that my father carefully packaged and deposited as artifacts with a Security/Finance Company in theNetherlands The said sum can easily be withdrawn or paid to are commended beneficiary The security company based on my instructions will release the fund to you and you will be presented as my partner who will be fronting for me in area of viable and profitable business.

To show my preparedness and appreciation to carry-our this business with you, 30% of the total sum will be your share and 20% commission of the proceeds realized from the investment of this fund will also be yours, 5% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the transaction proceeds. I need your full support and co-operation for the success of this transaction. I plead with you to treat this issue confidential and urgent because it is delicate and it demands a great degree of secrecy. I and my family are presently in the Belgium seeking Asylum.

I would want you to reach me through the E-mail arunaguei@mail2belgium.com, if you are interested to assist me.

I sincerely will appreciate your response.

I wait to hear from you.

Aruna Guei.
E-mail:arunaguei@mail2Belgium.com

# posted by Keith : 8:00:00 PM

July 7th Email Scam

Here's a particularly disgusting example of a scam email, attempting to make capital from the July 7th London bombings. Have these people no shame?

Dear Friend, I wish to approach you with a request that would be of immense benefit to both of us. I am an attorney based in Scotland United Kingdom. I want you and I to make some fortune out of a situation that I am obviously left with no other better option. The issue that I am presenting to you is a case of my client that willed a fortune to his only daughter. It is unfortunate that he and his daughter died on the London Bomb attacks on 7 July 2005. The wife died of heart attack on receiving the sad news a week after. I am now faced with a problem of getting a trusted person who I will make the beneficiary that I would pass the fortune to. And according to the law such fortune is supposed to be bequeathed to the government if there is not any relatives or next-of-kin of the decease that would surface for claim of the fortune.

However, I personally don't belong to such school of thought that proposes that such fortune be given to the government because this is cheating and is possible that the top government officials for their own selfish interest could divert the fortune. Because of this I am contacting you to seek your acting as the beneficiary of the will. I am my client attorney and I alone knew about his will. Upon indication of your interests, all I will do is to amend the will by fitting in your name as the supposed next-of-kin and back it up with a sworn affidavit, which automatically became valid. This amendment should be between us and must not leak out to anyone. It is absolutely confidential.

I have complete information of his bank account details with an outstanding balance of $48,550,000.00USD ($48.550 Million USD). To make you be sure of this, I can provide you with details of his bank to enable you to log on to his account to confirm this balance. I know that you would be apprehensive and feel that this is a big sum, but it does not matter because this is a legacy being passed on to a next-of-kin and you are the available next-of-kin.

As I am not very sure of getting your consent yet on the issue, I prefer not to divulge my full identity so as not to risk being disbarred. Until I am sure of your consent and full cooperation then I will not be afraid to give you my full identity. In the meanwhile, I would prefer that we maintain correspondence by email and fax. At this point I want to assure you that your true consent, full cooperation and confidentiality are all that are required to enable us to take full advantage of this golden opportunity.

I shall make representation to the legal courts to facilitate the amendment process within three working days. Since this is a transaction of immense benefit to both of us, I would want that we shared all expenses according to our agreed sharing ratio of the fortune. The sharing ratio shall be 60% for me and 40% for you. This shall also be applicable to all expenditures that would be incurred in the course of the transaction because I wouldn?t want either of us to feel cheated. Please note that this is a legal and risk free transaction that does not in anyway hamper the monetary laws of your country. It is an inheritance fund.

If you are interested to work with me, please provide me with your name, address, nationality, age, and date of birth, height, and phone and fax numbers as required for the amendment of the WILL. On completion of this, I will send you a copy of the amended WILL which you will fax to the bank with a back up letter written by your good self requesting for the release of the fund to you. I will also write to the bank as the legal representative of my client before his demise, ordering for the transfer of the fund to you, as the beneficiary of his will.

I will appreciate your urgent response in this regard. Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.You can as well reach me on mudoock@walla.com

Yours faithfully, Kirk Murdock.

# posted by Keith : 7:46:00 PM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I Heart African Email Scams

I actually like these African scams. Of course, I hope nobody actually falls for them, but I don't mind them landing in my inbox. Always good for a chuckle :)

My name is Mr.Moses Odiaka.I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. His name is Engineer Manfred Becker. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha.

Since the demise of this our customer, Engineer Manfred Becker, who was an oil merchant/contractor, I have kept a close watch of the deposit records and accounts and since then nobody has come to claim the money in this a/c as next of kin to the late Engineer. He had only $18.5mllion in his a/c and the a/c is coded. It is only an insider that could produce the code or password of the deposit particulars. As it stands now,there is nobody in that position to produce the needed information other than my very self considering my position in the bank.

Based on the reason that nobody has come forward to claim the deposit as next of kin, I hereby ask for your co operation in using your name as the next of kin to the deceased to send these funds out to a foreign offshore bank a/c for mutual sharing between myself and you. At this point I am the only one with the information because I have removed the deposit file from the safe.By so doing, what is required is to send an aplication laying claims of the deposit on your name as next of kin to the late Engineer. I will need your full name and address telephone/fax number,company or residential, also your bank name and account,where the money will be transfer into.

Finally i want you to understand that the request for a foreigner as the next of kin is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and for that reason alone a local cannot represent as next of kin. When you contact me, then we shall discuss on how the money will be split between us and others we shall also speak in details.I am currently in europe for a six months course,you can reach me on this number for further discussion 0031 623 866 723.Kindly send your reply to my private email address stated below mosesodig1@zwallet.com or mosesodiaka1@yahoo.com

Trusting to hear from you, I remain Respectfully yours, Mr Moses Odiaka.

mosesodig1@zwallet.com or mosesodiaka1@yahoo.com(0031 623 866 723)

# posted by Keith : 7:50:00 PM

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Service Announcement

Since I am, at heart, a dirty corporate whore I'll direct your attention to the new ad box at the top of this here page that allows you to compare the rates of several hundred loans to get the best deal. After all, if you're gonna go into debt you might as well get a low APR. Am I right or am I right?

Hey, and just to distract you from all the dirty capitalist shilling, here's a joke I made up while making lunch:

Q: How does a cheesemaker carry his stock to market?

A: Caerphilly!

Ahem... Hey, is this thing on?

# posted by Keith : 4:35:00 PM

Phishing Scams

Over the next weeks and months I'll be posting examples of the most prevelant 'phishing' scams circulating the Internet. I seem to get about 10-20 a day, so I might as well share them. Some are even good for a laugh!

Also, should the mood take me, I'll just chat a little :) I've been gone too long so I might as well.

# posted by Keith : 12:09:00 AM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Dearly Beloved

I actually sent a few emails to 'Peter Eneli' just for giggles. He seemed to become very excited, and asked me for my bank details so he could arrange the transfer of my fortune. What a lovely guy :) Ha!

From Peter Eneli
Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire

With Due Respect Dearest Beloved

I know you will be surprised to read from me, but please consider this as a request from a family in dire need of assistance. First, I must introduce myself, I am Mr.Peter Eneli from South Africa. I am the first son and only son of the Dr. Stephen Eneli I am presently residing in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire In West Africa with my sick mother whom the doctors have confirmed that whe will die before few months.

I got your contact from Business Directory in Cote d Ivoire Chamber and Industry , and I on behalf of my mother Mrs. Susan Eneli, decided to solicit for your assistance to transfer the sum of Five Million United States Dollars (US$5M) inherited from my father into your personal or company's account. Before my father's death, he was in charge of many positions in my country as you can confirm from this sites below (links removed)

He specifically drew my attention to the sum of US$5M, which he deposited in a safe one trunk box of a private Security Company in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire TAGGED FAMILY VAUABLES.

In fact, my father said in his will and I quote: "My beloved son, I wish to bring to your notice, that i have deposit the sum of Five Million, United States Dollars (US$5M) which I deposited in one trunk box with a Security Company in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire In West Africa. During the crisis and detention time, I was very dedicated and committed to winning the war against the rebels that are looking for my father because i escaped with my mother until we arrived here in Abidjan.

From the above, you will understand that the lives and future of my family depends on this money, as such I will be very grateful if you can assist us. We are now living in Abidjan as political asylum seekers and the financial laws of Cote d Ivoire does not allow Asylum Seekers certain financial rights to such huge amount of money. In view of this, I cannot invest this moneyin abidjan, hence I am asking you to assist metransfer this money out of the Security Company for investment purposes. For your efforts, I am prepared to offer you 25% of the total fund while 5% will beset aside for local and international expenses and 70% will be kept by my family and me.

Finally, modalities on how the transfer will be done will be conveyed to you once we have established trust and confidence between ourselves and have your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. Please, treat as urgent and have it in your mind that the security company never know that the content of the consignment is money, it is just a secret between you and me.

Best regards.

Mr.Peter Eneli

# posted by Keith : 7:54:00 PM

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, But Ask How Many Women Can You Sleep With Before Getting Shot In The Head

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

(Hat tip: Unabrewer)

# posted by Keith : 12:09:00 AM

Monday, June 26, 2006

Boobies for Bucks and More

Dean reports that Rhianna at A Texan Abroad is offering pictures of cleavage for cash.

I did that once.

Didn't get many takers.

Also, I just noticed this over at Wizbang, about a report that suggests that moving to the US is bad for your health.

(The study) found that living in the United States for more than 15 years was associated with a 1.39 increase in body mass index, a scientific measure for weight.

I'm sure I'm missing an important point here but as I understand it, living anywhere for 15 years is associated with an increase in body mass. If you logged the weight of the 25-year old population of any developed and then repeated the process 15 years later I would be shocked if the total was lower.

Take a look at this example. A 25-year old Ukranian man measuring 5' 10" and weighing 170lbs moved to the US. He finds himself an apartment, works hard and provides for his young wife and new child. 15 years later he is a pillar of the community. He has all those things that 25-year old Ukranians dream of when they first arrive. He has the big house; he has 3 children - 2 boys and a girl; he plays poker with his buddies every Wednesday night and smokes contraband Cuban cigars with a tumbler of scotch. He has it good. Those 15 years weren't easy, though, and he's showing his age. He's still in pretty good shape. Hell, he's only 10 pounds heavier than he was the day the boat docked in New York. Not bad, after 15 years.

Sounds realistic? Well, that's an increase of 1.39 on the body mass index. 10 pounds for a 5' 10" man.

10 pounds is nothing. Hell, I lost more than that in the last 3 months, and I barely notice the difference. I'm 23 now and I weigh about 160lbs. If I can reach my 38th birthday carrying only 10 pounds extra I'll be a happy man.

Now, you'll have to excuse me. I have a Big Mac to attend to.

# posted by Keith : 2:20:00 PM

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Sweet

I've just posted this comment on every blog I could find.

Imagine if cats could drive. You'd be all like 'Dude, there's a cat driving that Jeep', and I'd be all like, 'Sweet'.

P.S. My teeth hurt.

No reason. I'm just bored.

I need Diet Coke. Where are my car keys?

Update - I checked what sort of post I was commenting on first. God, this would have been inappropriate:-

Blogger: 'My house just got robbed and I've been diagnosed with a deadly brain disease. This was the worst day...'

Me: 'Imagine if cats...'

'Nother Update - I'm feeling a little remorseful now. Some people might not like cats. They might find the idea of cats driving cars troubling, perhaps even terrifying.

OK, if anyone comes round to complain, tell them I'm out shopping. If they start to kick up a fuss tell them I'm going through the menopause.

23 year old guys can catch menopause, right?

Final Update - In an attempt to avoid losing the respect of several bloggers whom I admire (i.e. Michele at A Small Victory), there is a real academic point to posting a random comment on your site, I promise. All will become clear. In the meantime, please feel free to delete my comment, curse my name and send me hate mail. Thank you.

# posted by Keith : 4:04:00 PM

Huh?

I'm baffled. I signed up to Google Ads a couple of days back, and their reporting module is giving me some odd data. Now, it's against Google's TOS to disclose more or less any information about Google Ads, but I'm sure it's OK to talk about my hits.

I use 3 stats trackers to check my traffic - Site Meter, Statcounter and Reinvigorate. Traffic has been sluggish the last few days - Site Meter says I got about 125 page views yesterday, Statcounter says 122, and Reinvigorate says 118. The Google Ads reporting module, however, gives me 351.

Stats trackers have never been perfect. I don't think I've ever had a day in which any two of them give identical results, but a difference of over 200? That's just silly. Still, I'm inclined to believe Google, if only because I like bigger numbers, damnit.

Anyway, on the subject of the Google Ads, I've been getting nothing but ads for George Bush dolls and George Bush impersonators. Very odd. Maybe it has something to do with my keywords for the site. NB - this isn't a request for you to click on the ads, look at them, or even think about George Bush. Google seem to have a stick up their butt about generating clicks.

Update - Dean Esmay cleared it up in the comments. I always assumed my counters logged all of my hits, but it appears they only log hits on the front page. I'm not sure how to make them log hits on the archives as the codes for all the counters are inserted directly into the Blogger template. If anyone has any suggestions please email me or leave a comment. Cheers.

# posted by Keith : 10:03:00 AM

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Jack of All Trades... Master of Two or Three

From the comments:

Congratulations! Novels have been written about (and published) on less interesting temporary jobs than working in an ice cream factory. I hope it goes well.

That got me thinking. I seem to have a gift for finding strange work, so I thought I'd do a top 5 list.

5. I once worked for a company that manufactured components for military jets. At first glance that may sound like an exciting company to work for, but no. We had to coat tiny components with heat-resistant paint before they could be installed into the wings, and my job was to stop up all the screw holes with wadded paper to stop the paint leaking in.

We started the day at 8am with a huge pile of little fiddly gadget things on one side of the table and a ream of A4 paper on the other. By the end of the day at 5pm we had a big pile of little fiddly gadget things full of folded strips of paper, and a fuckload of papercuts. They wouldn't let us sit down because, they claimed, it would encourage us to chat (an impossible feat, considering that the factory was so loud that we had to wear earplugs to block out the whirring of the machinery).

A horrible job, but one that had occasional zen moments when the brain slowed to a low purr and the hours flew by.

5/10

4. The job I recently got fired from. I was working on a contract for the Wall Street Journal Europe. Not, as I would prefer, actually writing copy but selling subscriptions over the phone. At one point we were selling to the Belgians, for some reason. You can imagine management making that decision:-

Bill: We don't seem to be getting the response we hoped for in the UK market, Bob.

Bob: No, Bill. Maybe we should try a new tack.

Bill: You could be right. Why don't we get our guys to call the Belgians?

Bob: The Belgians? Huh. You think that'll work?

Bill: How the fuck should I know, Bill? I'm in marketing. What with all the effort of perfecting this fashionably messy hairstyle I don't have much energy to think about anything else.

Bob: I hear ya. You've really got that mane tamed. Kiss me, Bill.

Bill: I thought I made myself clear at the conference, Bob.

Bob: Sorry. So, it's agreed. We're calling Belgium.

Bill: Get your hand off my ass, Bob.

Sorry, I went off on a little tangent there, didn't I? Anyway, stupid job.

4/10

3. This was a strange one. Shops and bars hire people called mystery shoppers to rate the customer service of the staff. I had a good gig while I was a student doing this. My job was to visit a chain of vodka bars, buy a drink and check out stuff like the bathrooms to make sure they kept them clean. I got my expenses paid, so I used to take a friend for a night out for free. After a while I got used to the kind of report they expected me to write, so I didn't bother visiting the bars anymore, but just wrote a report and claimed my wage. OK, so they caught me and fired my sorry ass, but it was fun while it lasted.

8/10

2. My first real job was stacking shelves at ToysRus. Good times. We used to play football in the store rooms, fool around with the box crusher and have lightsaber duels. Me and a guy - I forget his name, but we called him Joker - used to roll a dice to decide what sort of accent we'd put on in front of the customers. Just light accents, nothing too obvious. We did Canadian, Irish, Jamaican and (my favourite) Mafia style. I got fired after we rolled a six and ended up swearing at each other in Sicilian accents over the Barbie aisle.

7/10

And in first place...

1. I ran out of money in my second year at university and volunteered to be a guinea pig for medical studies. OK, so it isn't technically a job, but I'm counting it anyway. They were testing a new anti-depressant and its effect on, er, sexual function. To boil it down the job consisted of whacking off to lesbian porn, taking a course of drugs, and then whacking off again to see if it took longer. It was the single strangest sexual experience of my life. I was led into a small room by two attractive nurses, sat on the bed and was handed a cup. When they left I had to attach a sensor to myself and press a button when I, er, began and again when I was done.

One of the conditions of the study was that I couldn't drink, but I figured one drink couldn't hurt. I went to a friend's house for a couple of sips of lite beer and I'll be damned if 7 or 8 pints didn't just fall into my mouth. I was roused by the phone at 7 the next morning by the doctor running the study, reminding me that today was the day I started the course of drugs. I ran out the door and got a cab into the city.

By the time I arrived I had a throbbing headache and a pounding heart. They tested my pulse and blood pressure, and the doc asked, 'You didn't by any chance have a drink last night, did you?'. I looked up, bloodshot eyes and funky hair, and replied something along the lines of, 'Why, no Doctor. I watched the evening news and retired to bed at sundown with a mug of warm milk and my Bible.' Somehow he saw through my lie - God knows how - and fired me.

Still, I got to watch some excellent porn.

10/10

# posted by Keith : 6:52:00 PM

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

More of the Fuel Shortages

Following on from this morning's post about the fuel shortage, I have a quote from an attendant at a Texaco station from this afternoon:

'We're expecting to shut down most of our pumps around 8pm tonight to everyone but people with special needs (i.e. emergency services). We've been told not to expect that the next delivery will be on schedule.'

I passed the forecourt on the way home this evening and found it cordoned off. Also, most of the stations I passed during the day around Manchester had queues stretching back around 10 cars. It seems that the major fuel suppliers in the country are attempting to keep panic at bay, especially since many of the CEO's of these companies claim that there is no shortage and business is 'quiet'.

As Glenn Reynolds may say: Heh.

# posted by Keith : 7:23:00 PM

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Tech Stuff

Oh! Oh! OH! Guess what I just bought. No? OK, fuck you then. I'll just tell you.

My car CD player was stolen around January and I've been using a crappy portable CD player rigged up through a cassette adaptor into the standard Ford tape player since. Its crap, plain and simple. The sound is shit and its a ballache to unplug everything when I get out of the car.

So. I saved my pennies and have bought a kickass CD/MP3 player. Plus! It has a USB port and a slot for a memory stick. The upshot is that I can copy music from my PC onto a USB flash drive to avoid the hassle of burning CDs, or play the music I keep on my mobile phone through the car speakers using my Sony memory stick.

I'm dangerously excited. I may actually come when the postman arrives. That would be hilarious.

Oh, and I also bought a nice chrome Zippo cigarette lighter. I'm always losing those things, along with every pen I've ever owned and at least half my socks. There's probably a highly flammable, very smelly lost and found room somewhere with all the stuff I've ever lost in it.

It'd have wonderful penmanship, though. You know, wonderful for a room. Its not like the bar would be set too high to begin with.

# posted by Keith : 4:01:00 PM

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Some geek cool stuff

Hello, Jack of Random Fate here again. I've just returned to France after my trip to the US to visit family and friends over Christmas. I didn't have much time to post anything on that trip, so I wasn't able to help Daniel blog-sit for Keith. I'll try to make up for that now.

In the Geek Cool arena, I posted today on how there are devices coming out that function similar to the badge-communicators on Star Trek: The Next Generation. First, the clamshell phones imitate the communicators from the original series, now badge-communicators from the second series, I wonder what will come from the other Star Trek series.

More Geek Cool that hasn't been posted by me elsewhere (yet) is news on regulatory progress on the use of power lines as broadband data carriers. This has more implications than the obvious "internet anywhere there is a power plug," a prospect that has a large impact in and of itself. With the increasing use of voice over internet protocol, a nominal investment in equipment would make possible telephone calls from anywhere there is a power plug, bypassing the Baby Bells entirely. Given the large investment that the Baby Bells have in their networks coupled with the costs they bear satisfying FCC regulations, expect the Baby Bells to find ways to fight this technology tooth and nail. While cell phones have made it easy to make a telephone call from many more places than was possible a short decade ago, there are still dead-spots and areas too remote to be covered by transmission towers that do have electrical power which could enable voice over IP calls if powerline broadband is implemented.

Finally, in the "meanwhile on Mars" category, the rovers Spirit and Opportunity continue to soldier on in one of the most successful space missions of all time. Isn't it great to live in a country that not only can afford to explore like this, but is also willing to invest the money in the exploration?

# posted by Jack : 12:24:00 PM

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Instead of a Real Post...

Never let the fuel gauge go into the red

Never post what you think of the boss on your blog

Never post what you think of your friends on your blog

Never ever post what you think of a woman on your blog

You will never look manly with a moustache

At a urinal, the number of shakes is a judgement call. 20 shakes, however, is playing with yourself

'I've only had 3 beers' should be followed by the call 'Taxi!'

You will find your first grey hair many years before you expect

Nothing will make you feel masculine like chopping wood

Its OK to like chick flicks. Just... not too often

You should know how to change a tyre

You should know the capital of Australia

You should have a pet

A snake isn't a pet

You should be able to light a fire without matches

Going out in winter without a coat doesn't make you a man. It makes you an idiot

You should be eccentric. You shouldn't be weird

It's a fine line

There are very few causes worth dying for. You have one life. You can pick up another 5 causes on any street corner

'It feels better' isn't an excuse not to wear a condom

When asked what date you're going on holiday you'll always look at your watch before answering

# posted by Keith : 12:23:00 AM

Saturday, May 27, 2006

On Crazies and Serial Killers

I was reading electric meters the other day about 20 miles from my home in a pretty rough area. Thats my job, by the way. I don't have a really dull hobby. Anyway, I knocked on the door of a maisonette, I believe we call them. A large house that's split into 4 flats - 2 upstairs and 2 down. I waited for a minute at the door with no answer, so I started to walk away. As I reached the street I heard the door open on a big guy, maybe early 40s, unshaven and wearing a tight white womans vest that dipped to the chest and was covered in frills. As I went closer I noticed he was also wearing heavy makeup - mascara, lipstick and a little blush.

In itself, that isn't too odd. I see all sorts of people in my job and it isn't my place to judge people for what they choose to do in their own homes, even if its a little weird. The problem is this: as I was reading his meter I was sure I heard what sounded like a woman shouting for help through a gag come from a back room. I froze for a minute, not sure what to do. After all, I'm 5'9" and about 170 pounds of fluff. I haven't thrown a punch since I was 15 (I kicked ass, though). This guy looked like he could have taken me down with both hands tied behind his back, despite the outfit. So, self-preservation being the first instinct I got the hell out of there.

As I left I heard the sound of woodpigeons in the trees. They make a noise a little like owls, a kind of deep coo. They also sound very much like a woman shouting for help through a gag, if you can imagine it.

So. I got in the car and drove to the next job a few streets away, where I sat and had a quick smoke. I ran it over in my head and couldn't shake the idea that this guy was up to very bad things in there. The vest he'd been wearing had been much too small for him, and I'm thinking that if you feel more comfortable in ladies clothing while you mill around your house you'd probably buy something that fit. On the other hand, if you'd abducted a woman and tied her up in your bedroom you might dress up in her clothes even if they didn't fit. Beggars can't be choosers, after all. I decided I had to go back and take another look. I couldn't face the idea that I might open the local paper in a few weeks and read about some crazy guy butchering a girl in his house.

I was so freaked out that I called a friend and told him the story. I also gave him the address and told him that if he didn't hear from me by 5 he might want to send some police along. I'd hate to end up in several pieces stuffed into a range of jiffy bags. Boy, would my face be red.

I got back to the house and knocked again. Again, it took the guy an age to get to the door and I was sweating my ass off. I explained that my computer had crashed and I'd lost his reading so I'd have to do it again. He gave me this hard look and stepped aside. I stalled as long as possible, but couldn't hear anything. At the end of the day I had no right to barge deeper into the house and search the rooms, so I had to leave.

Huh. That was a bit of an anti-climax, wasn't it? You were waiting for the part where I saved the damsel in distress and kicked the freak's ass. Sorry, I'm not that guy. If you need someone to sit in the corner and tell jokes, I'm your guy. Stallone will be along any minute with the guns and stuff.

Here's my point, though. I'm terrified of these people. Maybe not this guy in particular, cause he may have been up to nothing more nefarious than practicing his one-man production of Romeo and Juliet, starring himself as Juliet and his right hand as Romeo. I'm terrified of unstable people. I see them every day - ranging from the innocent elderly who've just forgotten a few basic points about personal hygeine and acceptable numbers of cats per house, all the way to deviants with naked children showing on their screensavers as I walk through their house. The reason they worry me is that we have so little idea of what goes on in the human brain; what little trigger can turn an innocent old cat-lover into the kind of guy who lures kids into his house and does bad things to them behind pulled blinds.

My job puts me in constant contact with troubled people. It also makes me realise just how many of them there are in this country. Virtually every street I visit has at least one house inhabited by a crazy guy with no carpets and rotting tuna all over the place. Each one of them could be the next horror story peddled out to our kids about the dangers of taking sweets from strangers. Hell, it could just as well be one of the guys with the clean houses and fancy flat screen TVs. Its just easier to believe that our future serial killers spend their free time making effigies out of nasal hair and faeces than watching Frasier on Paramount.

In fact, I withdraw all of this. While I'm going on about crazy people in dirty homes I'm forgetting a neat and tidy little house I visited just a couple of months ago about a mile from my home. It was on a nice tree-lined street with luxury cars in the driveways, and a respectable doctor used to live there with his wife and kids. He was called Harold Shipman, and he killed probably 200 people from these parts. Screw the crazies in the hovels. I should be keeping my bead on the old guys with the BMWs.

# posted by Keith : 2:36:00 PM

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Panic Buying in the UK

Weeks after the event, the effects of Hurricane Katrina finally reach the shores of my little island. An increase in fuel prices, primarily due to the crippling effect on US refineries caused by Katrina, has caused talk of blockades of refineries here in the UK to force the government to reduce fuel duty.

For the second time in five years, drivers are queueing for hours in order to fill up their tanks - and this time, we're paying a ridiculous 98 pence a litre. The most amusing aspect of this mess is the strenuous denials from industry heads that there is any panic buying going on. Speaking as someone who waited for over 30 minutes to get into the forecourt yesterday - and was then told that I was the 'lucky last one' to get to use the pump before it was turned off, I call bullshit.

Protesters from the Fuel Lobby have given the government a deadline of tomorrow to meet and discuss their grievances - the most pressing of which must be the 20% increase in the price of fuel at the pump we've seen in recent months.

If the government refuse to reduce fuel duty - which makes up around 48% of the prices of fuel - protesters will cripple the supply routes around the country, including a general blockade of refineries, protests in Dover and that perennial favourite of protesters everywhere, a go slow on the M4.

I for one am all for it. I've got a full tank and a big grudge. It seems I spend most of my wage just keeping my car on the road, and I'm sick of it.

Heh. This post seems oddly prescient today.

# posted by Keith : 4:43:00 AM

Monday, September 12, 2005

Service Announcement

Big changes are afoot at House Sortapundit. After two years of slogging away at Blogger I've decided to move to cushier digs. Provisionally I'll be packing up and heading to a Typepad site, but if anyone has any suggestions for a better host with the same low, low prices I'd appreciate the suggestions.

# posted by Keith : 10:25:00 AM

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Lest We Forget - Angels in Disguise II

Bravest and Finest

Once again, original artwork shamelessly stolen from Cox and Forkum and then poorly modified. Original here.

# posted by Keith : 11:26:00 AM

Jeff Goldstein vs Ace: Face Off

Ace, Karol and Jeff had some very entertaining most overrated film of all time threads this weekend. While Karol managed to keep her comments on-topic, Jeff's quickly turned into a most underrated film thread, while Ace started his own underrated thread to accompany the other one.

Now, if you're a regular reader of Jeff and Ace, both seem to be disturbingly proud of their taste in obscure, some would say plain bad, movies. I'm sure Jeff, for instance, just makes up half the titles he recommends (prove me wrong, Jeff, ya crazy sum'bitch).

What I want to do, though, is judge these two bloggers on their readers. They were sked to name their most underrated movies of all time, so let's put them to the test.

Here's what I did. I took the first 25 recommendations from each site and ran them through metacritic.com, a site that collates reviews from almost 50 daily newspapers, dedicated industry magazines and so on (ranging from Rolling Stone to my old employer the Wall Street Journal) and infers an average percentage for each film. But don't listen to my drivel. Here's an excerpt from their about us page:

Since its inception, Metacritic has provided a cross-section of reviews from a carefully-screened group of the most respected critics for the latest (as well as earlier) releases in film, video, music, books and games in a clean, user-friendly manner. And only Metacritic uses Metascores to combine all of the individual critic scores into an overall grade for each item, so users can gauge the critical consensus at a glance. In fact, our scoring system is so unique (unique, complicated--what's the difference?) that it merits its own explanation page.

Of course, some movies haven't made it to Metacritic yet. What to do, what to do? Of course! We went to the Internet Movie Database to see what the viewing public thought of these movies. IMDB reader reviews work on a 0-10 star rating system, possibly the finest rating system known to man (percentages give too much wiggle room, as you well know). In keeping with the, ahem, scientific method I converted these rating to a percentage score.

Anyway, the "winner" will be the blogger whose readers have picked those movies that receive the lowest average score. Of course this is probably the least scientific test in the history of man, but there is no accounting for taste. All we can do is discuss the most poorly rated movies. As always, I leave it up to the reader to judge the quality of the movies in question.

Of course, regardless whether you take anything from this post, it's helped me out. It reminded me just what a fucking great movie Office Space was, and I just found in for a fiver on Amazon. Kickass.

Ratings beside an asterisk (*) were obtained from IMDB user ratings. The unadorned, less fancy ratings were obtained from Metacritic.

Protein Wisdom

Cutters Way *68%
Bad News Bears 65%
Henry Fool *73%
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore *73%
Once Upon a Time in America *82%
Tightrope *62%
Nighthawks *61%
Very Bad Things 31%
Blade 45%
Dazed and Confused 78%
About a Boy 75%
Office Space 68%
Groundhog Day 72%
American Psycho 64%
Guarding Tess *60%
Grosse Point Blank 76%
Election 82%
Amongst Friends *52%
Happiness 81%
Miller's Crossing *80%
Corrina, Corrina *61%
Copland 67%
Smile 47%
The Changeling *73%
Smash Palace *72%

Average --- 66.72%

Ace

The Thing *79%
Of Mice and Men *75%
The Iron Giant 85%
Better Off Dead *72%
Diggstown *67%
GI Jane *55%
Silver Bullet *56%
Rear Window *87%
Arsenic and Old Lace *81%
Downfall 82%
Proof 70%
Shattered *65%
Frequency 67%
Boondock Saints 44%
Ruster's Rhapsody *58%
Weird Science *62%
Dead Again 66%
Kung Fu Hustle 78%
Bubble Boy 41%
Shaolin Soccer 68%
Kung Pow 14%
Unbreakable 62%
Long Kiss Goodnight *65%
Here Come the Nelsons *68%
Robinson Crusoe on Mars *67%

Average --- 65.36%

Ouch. That was ridiculously close. Ace, in fact, saved himself by proposing Kung Pow, a movie that only garnered an average 14% from the professional movie critics. It's almost as if he knew.

And so, by it has been statistically proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the readers of Ace of Spades are more obscure than those of Protein Wisdom. They are more appreciative of critically panned movies, more steadfast in their convictions and unwilling to waver in the face of overwhelming public opinion.

Or, y'know, they just really like shit films. That, however, is a question for another day.

# posted by Keith : 8:38:00 AM

Four Years On

It's hard to believe that already four years have passed since 'that day'. So much has changed, not only in the wider world but also in our own lives. On 9/11/01 I was working part time in our local hospital to put myself through university. I didn't know what happened until after I got off work (I live in the UK, so this all happened mid-afternoon) and walked into town to get a paycheck advance from a local pawnbroker (OK, so I wasn't quite managing to pay for uni). The pawnbroker had a bank of TV's running along one wall, and I walked by them oblivious. I stood in line for several minutes before noticing that most of the customers in the shop were standing, slack-jawed, staring at the TV's.

After seeing the images I jumped straight on the bus and dashed home. By the time I arrived the first tower had fallen. That was basically it for the rest of the day. Myself and my family sat in front of the TV for hours, staring in disbelief at the scenes, seemingly lifted from some horrible movie. There are no words to describe the way we all felt, but none are needed. None of use needs much reminding to take us right back to that day and recall the fear and anger that brewed and boiled inside us. Today, on the fourth anniversary of that most awful of days, I have no doubt that those feelings will quickly rise again.

This year, however, I have cause for celebration. For hope. This January gone my best friend James became a father for the first time. Baby Thomas is now eight months old, and he's part of the first generation to be raised who did not have to live through that day. I hope that his generation will not be stained with the legacy of the atrocities, that he will grow up in a world in which 9/11 is a story told by his parents, something that belongs to the past - and not a shadow over his future. I hope that he will not be asked to go off to fight the enemies we made on that day. I hope they will be defeated before he has cause to worry about such things. The threat of terror is not a legacy I would like to leave for this innocent boy, and I hope with every fibre of my being that we will not have to.

# posted by Keith : 12:13:00 AM

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Lest We Forget - Angels in Disguise

Finest and Bravest

Image shamelessly stolen from Cox and Forkum, then amateurishly modified by me. See the original, and clearly superior, image here.

# posted by Keith : 11:53:00 PM

When is a Crescent Just A Crescent?

Outrage was expressed today (OK, not everywhere) at the chosen design of the Auschwitz Memorial Maze, entitled Glorious Swastika, to be built in time to commemorate the 65th anniversary of the Nazi labor camp some 60 miles south of Krakow, Poland.

In an open contest hosted by the Herbert Itler Society, the winning design was proposed by Harold Immler.

"This is not about religion per se," remarks Immler, "It's a spiritual space, and a sacred place, but it's open to anyone. The word swastika, in fact, means 'happy smily place' in (mumble, mumble), and the symbol is Eurasian in origin and is actually a sign of good fortune."

Almost immediately on seeing the design, bloggers began to remark that perhaps the use of a swastika to commemorate the death of between 1 and 1.5 million Jews may be seen by some as offensive.

"Nonsense", remarked Immler. As an architect I can assure you that the design is not intended to be symbolic of anything. Rather, it is simply an arrangement of eight straight lines arranged in a cross formation, each arm of the cross with another arm running at right-angles. Surely no one could object to such an innocent design. I only chose it because there is beauty in it's simplicity. And the straight lines make it easy to mow around."

# posted by Keith : 6:52:00 PM

How Far Are We Gonna Take The Blame Game?

(AP - Reuters) Almost 4 years to the day after terrorists hijacked commercial aircraft and flew them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, it has emerged that the atrocities could have easily been prevented.

40 years ago, Congress approved legislation to outlaw the possession of box cutters and other edged devices by Muslims.

The legislation, signed into law by President Johnson, was derailed in 1977 by a lawsuit led by the LABCP (League Against Box Cutter Prohibition).

"If we had kept the prohibition," says leading boxcutter legislator Bobby LaRagu, "those planes would have never been successfully hijacked. The hijackers would have been all, like, 'Everybody stay in your seats! This aircraft has been commandeered in the name of Allah!' and everyone else would have been all 'Well, where's your boxcutter, then?' and they'd be, like 'Damn you American pigdogs and your restrictive legislation!' and that'd be the end of it. OK, so maybe the in-flight movie would have been interrupted during the ruckus, but you can always pick up the plot later on. Or, y'know, rent it at Blockbuster."

LaRagu's view is endorsed by a former key senator, along with academic experts, who say a boxcutter ban is the only way to control the ornery terrorists. The senator, who requested to remain anonymous, remarked "I tell ya, these damned boxcutter nuts have got a lot to answer for."

OK, so I suck at satire. Shut up. Still, exactly how long are we gonna go on with this blame game before we actually settle down and, well, fix New Orleans? I mean, should I go and pick up some popcorn and find a comfy chair? It was 38 years ago that SOWL succeeded in halting the hurricane barrier. I'm not saying environmentalists shouldn't be blamed for many things. Clearly the majority of them are hemp-trousered, dirty haired freaks who'd be ejected from a Hare Krishna sect for being too much of a hippy. Still, it seems ludicrous to attempt to stick them with responsibility for this one.

# posted by Keith : 6:07:00 PM

Damned Teeth

I have wisdom teeth coming through. In fact, I've had them coming through in what seem to be fortnight long, excrutiatingly painful stages for many years now, and every time they make a dash to escape from my gums I load myself full of painkillers until I become immune from their analgesic wonders and sleep a fitful three hours a night.

Why do I put myself through this? I hear you ask. OK, I don't actually hear you, because you're probably several thousand miles away from me, and even if we were in the same room you'd probably only think it in your head. Shut up, I'm getting off track.

Anyway, here in the UK we have a national health service. Essentially we get free medical treatment for all, and we pay for this (OK, so it's not entirely free) with income tax, national insurance and all the other little ways the government bend us over and ass-fuck us until small change pours out of our mouths (by the by, petrol prices here just reached the wrong side of £1/litre (that's about $7/gallon), a lot of which consists of fuel tax). Theoretically, we can come down with any ailment, wander in to the local hospital and they'll fix us up for free - without having to worry about our insurance carrier rejecting our claim or, worse, not having insurance at all.

Of course, it doesn't quite work like that. When, earlier this year, my brother developed a series of medical problems as a result of contracting malaria while teaching in India, he was kept in hospital for over three weeks doing nothing much apart from vomiting and steadily turning skeletal with only the occasional visit from anyone with medical qualifications, and he was eventually discharged without diagnosis.

Another example. A good friend of mine, we'll call him J. to protect his pride, has for years had two small cysts - one on each side of his face - just below the jawline. They didn't look bad and never hurt, so he figured they were nothing to worry about - until this week. One of them became infected and, in the space of four days, swelled to the size of half a golf ball and filled with pus. On the second day, while it was still only tender and a little inflamed, J. visited his GP (general practitioner) who prescribed a short course of antibiotics to treat it and sent him on his way. They did nothing, and yesterday evening I got a call at work from J. asking for a ride to the hospital. When I picked him up a few hours later he was clearly shaken and proceeded to describe what he called 'the most horrific experience of my life'. I won't go into detail, but it involves an ineffective anaesthetic, a scalpel, about half a pint of blood and pus and an iodine wrap inserted into the cheek. I felt sickened just listening to it.

The problem is that when he asked if the doctor could book him in to have the other cyst removed - lest he have to go through the same disgusting and extremely painful draining process again - he was met with the reply "Not until it gets infected". The NHS is so painfully understaffed that my brother lies in hospital for three weeks and sees a doctor a grand total of twice, while my best friend can't have a routing preventative procedure unless the thing he's trying to prevent actually comes about.

All this, of course, as is routine in everything I write, has very little to do with my original point. What I was trying to say is that, even despite these painfully obvious flaws in our health service, we have it pretty good. J. was treated within 90 minutes of walking into an emergency room on a Friday night, and that's not bad in any country. So, all in all we can be fairly proud of our health service.

With one exception. Dental treatment is not covered by the NHS. Even though I contributed several thousand pounds to the government last year, without requiring any medical treatment whatsoever, if I was to present myself in an emergency room in unbearable pain from 4 wisdom teeth that are actually forcing all my teeth out of place as I write this (to the point at which I can see the dentine - the inner substance of your teeth - at the base of one of my incisors) I would be either sent home or to the emergency dentist for treatment that I would have to fork out even more money for.

Why is this? Why, in a health service in which some people manage to get free breast enlargements, surgery for impotence and even treatments for baldness (all to assist those who suffer from low self esteem and clinical depression, I am assured) I can't have my damned wisdom teeth removed?

Why is the alligator ornery? Cause he got too many teeth in his mouth. That's all I'm sayin'.

# posted by Keith : 1:47:00 PM

4 Meals from Chaos

Dean Esmay yesterday discussed a report by MI5 which puts forth the opinion that the UK is "4 meals away from anarchy", meaning that if the food supply was cut off we would resort to looting and such. Of course, it would never get to that with us Brits. No doubt one of us would smash the front window of our local Waitrose and then become caught in an eternal cycle of politeness that would stop us from ever entering the shop - "After you, sir." "No, I insist, after you."

I kid, of course. I find that the most mild-mannered of us are the ones who seem to lose it at the drop of a hat. No, what strikes me is that this is news at all. It just seems as obvious a statement as "smoking causes cancer" or "Marlon Brando let himself go a bit". Of course chaos would reign if we ran out of food. It's so obvious, in fact, that as soon as I read the article I put my finger on an author who wrote exactly the same opinion several years ago (that's not to say that the theme hasn't been explored many times in the past, but this particular book happened to be sitting next to my bed and I wanted to share a quote). It's Terry Pratchett, from the novel Night Watch (Doubleday):

In a few hours the shops would be expecting deliveries, and they weren't going to arrive. A city like Ankh-Morpork was only two meals away from chaos at the best of times.

Every day, maybe a hundred cows died for Ankh-Morpork. So did a flock of sheep and a herd of pigs and the gods alone knew how many ducks, chickens and geese. Flour? He'd heard it was eighty tons , and about the same amount of potatoes and maybe twenty tons of herring.

Every day forty thousand eggs were laid for the city. Every day hundreds, thousands of carts and boats and barges converged on the city with fish and honey and oysters and olives and eels and lobsters. And then think of the horses dragging this stuff, and the windmills... and the wool coming in, too, every day, the cloth, the tobacco, the spices, the ore, the timber, the cheese, the coal, the fat, the tallow, the hay EVERY DAMN DAY...

But now, in the dark, it all spun on Vimes. If the man breaks down, it all breaks down. The whole machine breaks down, he thought. And it goes on breaking down. And it breaks down the people.

If you've ever sat on the flyover of a motorway in the UK and watched the articulated lorries flow along the veins of the nation, transporting food and goods to feed every last one of us, every day, in a never-ending process, you'll laugh at MI5's projection. 4 meals? Hah. We're only a mouthful away.

# posted by Keith : 8:37:00 AM

What's the Big Deal?

I find it interesting that there is such objection to the confiscation of firearms in the city of New Orleans. I remember in the weeks and months following 9/11 the emergency services were vaunted, rightly so, as New York's Bravest and Finest. Today, almost 4 years to the day since so many of the American uniformed services risked and gave their lives to save innocents, many Americans balk at the idea that the New Orleans police force should be able to enforce Mayor Nagin's forced evacuation order against an unarmed public.

Let's look at the situation as it stands. The last voluntary evacuees left the city on Thursday, so logically the only citizens remaining in the city today are those who would resist evacuation, perhaps violently. OK, so the order to confiscate firearms from these people may be essentially unconstitutional, but then again so what? A third of the New Orleans police force bolted after the storm. Those who remain are the Bravest and Finest. These are people who remained to protect and serve the community in which they live - even when they came under fire themselves, even after their own homes were swept away in the storm. They deserve all the respect and support it is possible to give, and if that means that certain people temporarily sacrifice one of the freedoms they hold dear, then why not?

(Update) Volokh's Orin Kerr discusses the legalities behind the gun prohibition.

# posted by Keith : 8:12:00 AM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

New Hurricane Scams - Get Rich Quick

Even as the bodies are being removed from the wreckage that was once New Orleans, the e-mail scammers are creeping out of the woodwork. While some have opted to prey on the kindness of the Internet community with bogus charities, others have appealed to our greed. Here's an e-mail I received today:

Please help me out in this desperate situation. I am a Mexican national and also an illegal immigrant living in the state of New Orleans of the disaster hit area of the U.S.A. I presently work as a member of a rescue team, following the event of the recent disaster in New Orleans which is caused by "Hurricane Katrina".

In a relief effort to save the lives of the indigenes, I personally made a recovery of some treasure boxes which belong to a private banking firm, here in New Orleans. These boxes which are currently in my possession were found to be containing uncountable number of defaced foreign currencies, which ranges from United States Dollars down to Japanese Yens, thus running into hundreds of millions of U.S. Dollars when converted.

I have so far decided to undisclose these funds to the "Federal Emergency Management Agency", pending my personal use, soon after this disaster as things come back to normal in New Orleans. Dear colleague, I have already made prior arrangements with a private courier services firm who will assist me to convey these boxes, out of the U.S.A. I am desperately searching for a trustworthy individual who would provide me with a valid home or business address, in outside U.S.A (particularly in Europe or Asia), where these boxes can be conveyed, so as to start immediate investment opportunities.

I am sorry, I may not be able to leave U.S.A at present due to lack of authentic travel documents, but I would like to entrust these funds in you, and I will make my way out of U.S.A as soon as the boxes are moved out of U.S.A.Thank you for taking out time to read about my problem. I look forward to your reply.Please take note you can always reply me on email: marklyford@tsamail.co.za

Your contact information will required for easy communication.

Warm Regards, markly ford.
------------------------------------

My reply to this message was as follows:

Thanks for your e-mail, Mr. Markly. I too am a cruel, nasty little b*st*rd and would love to take part in your scheme. So, what do you need? My PIN number? Access to my credit cards? I'll do anything to speed this along, as I'm eager to get my hands on the loot.

You see, I'm addicted to hookers. I just can't get enough of 'em. I like to beat them a little, too. The problem is that sometimes I get a little carried away and beat too hard. Here in the UK dumping bodies ain't as easy as it is in the US. I live on a tiny little island, so you have to pay the big bucks to the local heavies to take care of it for you. As a result I owe a few thousand pounds to a local loan shark, and he's threatened to break thumbs!

So get back in touch ASAP, friend. I see great things in our future. Keep living the dream.

Sincerely, Keith Taylor

--------------------------------

The e-mail domain of this little goon, tsamail, comes from Technikon SA, a distance learning service in South Africa. The purpose of these addresses is to give students access to lectures and classmates; to create a virtual classroom, if you will. Now what the hell are they teaching people in South Africa?

# posted by Keith : 2:29:00 PM

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The 155th Carnival of the Vanities

Welcome to the 155th Carnival of the Vanities, the clearing house for the best writing in the blogosphere. Or, you know, a collection of links to the most awful, poorly scrawled, bigheaded tat on the planet. Depends on the week, really. Fortunately, this week has produced some real gems.

I'm sure this has already been done at some point in the illustrious past of this carnival, but I will be presenting each entry this week as a haiku, the Japanese form of poetry consisting of three lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. And, to be sure, they are the most shoddy haiku you ever did read. Before you judge me too harshly, though, I only ask that you sit down and try to write 50 haiku about fucking New Orleans, a lot of water and a bunch of black people swiping plasma screen TVs. Anyway, this weeks entries are presented, in the main, in the order by which I received them. Enjoy the bloggy goodness...

(Update) David Giacalone correctly points out that these aren't genuine haiku but rather verse in the 5-7-5 syllable form that we unsophisticated westerners often call haiku. You can find a helpful resource including the criteria for haiku here. Here, though, is my rebuttal (or refutation, or repudiation. These word things were never my strong suit. I like to feel the soil). Have you ever tried writing a haiku about looting of electrical goods in the present tense and including a reference to the seasons whilst at the same time creating a sense of harmony and contrast? I can barely dress myself at the best of times. And at least I didn't call the plural haikus :)

Also, while I'm here, I'd like to point out the ad box to your immediate right. I feel bad when people pay for ad space and then I stumble off and quit blogging for months. Eight Foot Llama is a small enterprise in the business of reasonably priced novelty games such as the Nacho Incident and the Penguin Ultimatum. Please consider them for your next event involving friends with strange senses of humour. Also, you can strike a blow to the heart of Toys 'R' Us and their oh-so-droll letter reversals. Viva small business!

And another thing... after waiting patiently for over two years for an Instalanche I finally get one - and it's not even a dedicated post. I swear Glenn has something against me. Maybe he fears my eloquence. Perhaps not.

And finally, I have fixed 3 broken links that directed you to a Hotmail error page instead of the intended post. Corrected. If anyone finds any more stuff wrong please leave a note in the comments or email me. Cheers.

Doctor Hartline writes
Of Man's tendency to sin
And God owns our stuff

The librarians
Steal umbrellas, the bastards
Baby Jesus weeps

Iran could get bomb
We'd be screwed good and proper
Grow some bomb proof skin

Dump the Big Easy
What about Mardi Gras, though?
We need to see boobs

Some news for grownups
Very clever. I prefer
The funny pages

Get a better job
No more orders from teen boss
The spotty fucker

Look at the gorilla
He's been eyeing up my girl
Wouldn't mess with him

Stuck in stadia
With thousands of sweaty men
So what else is new?

One dollar coins have
Ugly chicks on them. But nude
Ladies may help them

Poetic prose on
Katrina. Nice photos, too
Is that a dead guy?

Melson talks about
Appraisals for mortgages
I'll die a renter

Eating corpses after
Only days? They must have been
Quite peckish, really

Folks blame Bush a lot
He caused death, they say. Maybe
Weather was involved

Lots of money saved
On cable bill. That would buy
A lot of hookers

Looting in the South
People are hungry, I guess
Mmmmm, widescreen TVs

Bring in the Army
To take care of the people
They have real cool guns

Bush the scapegoat
He gets blamed for everything
Some of it's God's fault

So the New York Times
Talks bollocks. Who'd have thunk it?
Monkeys are smarter

Start a business blog
Earn lots of money, you will
And the chicks are hot

You can build traffic
You could host a carnival
You'll get at least five

What would happen, then
if we call them hot ladies?
I'd give them more help

Evil extremists
Knuckle dragging troglodytes
Sound like the DU

Bourbon Street is filled
A thousand saxophonists
Floating in the road

Bush is hurricane
The windy little bastard
Best impeach him now

Never heard of him
This Richard Landes fellow
Entertaining, though

What a crazy site
That is a very sexy
Vegetable, though

The satire runs thick
When a teen boy steals a bus
But forgets the bribe

I just learned today
The plural of premiums
Is premia. Cool

I always get caught
At the metal detectors
Cause I'm magnetic

These guys sound just like
The people at my Nan's church
Crazy one and all

Bush and the Lord God
In cahoots against Sheehan
And the damn Jews, too

Form a partnership
Get Reggie Jackson on board
And you're good to go

That thing in the pic
Looks like a big hairdryer
For a massive head

So mould can kill you?
Here I've been worried about
Flooding and stuff. Shit

The flamboyant ones
Remind me of Will and Grace
That annoying guy

God also gave me
A wicked case of herpes
Or was it hookers?

Give me some food stamps
I earn a fucking pittance
Thank you very much

Babies don't feel pain
I just punched a two year old
Didn't even flinch

Pundits are saying
Bring me the head of the Head
Or blame the police

The aid lottery
Cutting cheques to the victims
The mooching bastards

Give me the contract
To rebuild the Big Easy
I'll make it nuder

Looting in NO
Was it the fault of the Blacks
Dunno. You decide

Don't know what grits are
We Brits eat regular food
Like, er, blood pudding

It's the FEMA rap
Saving lives and humping ho's
I love these bitches

Lefties blame the Bush
We were screwed from the word go
Nice use of fonts, Bob

Black people loot while
White people find. works for me
I'm going 'finding'

Violence in DC
It's probably Clinton's fault
The laid back bastard

Don't demolish it
Send it to me, so I can
Use it as a bowl

Stop throwing the blame
We can all agree, I think
It's Carrot Top's fault

Next week we will be returning to House Hraka to celebrate the 3 year anniversary of the Carnival. In the meantime, you can probably entertain yourself.

# posted by Keith : 5:29:00 AM

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Bah Redux

It's kinda depressing to take a look at my site stats these days. After the dizzy heights of several thousand readers a day it's a bit of a shame to see it fall down to less than 100. Still, that's what you get when you put out one post every couple of weeks. I have nobody to blame but myself but, since I don't like to accept responsibility for anything I'll arbitrarily blame, uh, Paul Wolfowitz. Rat bastard.

Damn it. Writers block sucks. What's worse is that it's not as if my usual output is Pulitzer material.

# posted by Keith : 5:34:00 PM

Friday, June 10, 2005

Bollocks

I'm trying without much success to get my head around these proposed new road charges here in the UK. Now, it may surprise you to hear that we already pay a shitload for the privilege of mobility in this country (or not, depending on how much you know about our ridiculously socialist little island).

Every year I pay about £120 for road tax. For that I get a little paper disc to stick to my windscreen that gives me the right to use public roads without the inconvenience of being pulled over every so often and slapped with a big fine.

That's just for starters. I drive about 200 miles a week, and pay somewhere in the region of £20 in the average week for petrol, a little over a a thousand a year. Considering my pittance of a salary that equals almost 10% of my income. Now, here's the rub. About 75% of that money - about £750 a year - is fuel tax. Most of my mileage is work related, so effectively I pay an extra 7.5% in tax.

Now the government are proposing to charge road users a fee per mile, ranging from 2p per mile on the back roads to a whopping £1.34 a mile on the motorways during peak times. In exchange they propose to cut fuel tax. I'm not sure if they mean remove the fuel tax completely or just reduce it, but either way I'm baffled. I'm sure I'd end up paying £1.34 at least a few times a week, so I'll effectively be paying more to drive to work than I'll actually earn at work.

I pay income tax - about 20% of my salary - a portion of which is used to maintain the roads and build the new ones. I pay road tax every year, which pays for the light bulbs in traffic lights and for the paint for the white lines in the middle of the road. I also pay £750 a year in fuel tax, a sum that equals the GDP of several small African nations. I have to drive. I really have no choice. If I can't drive I can't work, and Sortapundit goes hungry. I can't even cut down my mileage. I don't spend my down time randomly clogging up traffic on the motorways. I drive just enough to do the job.

Now what kind of psychotic, petty little beurocratic fuckhead thought it would be a good idea to charge me for every mile I drive? If I find him I'll kill him. I'm serious.

# posted by Keith : 5:37:00 PM

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Bah

Yeah, yeah, I know I haven't been around at all these past few weeks. Thanks for the emails berating me. I just haven't been able to build up any interest in writing anything - not that my usual stuff is exactly A-material. I don't know what the plan is, but I hope this break isn't permanent. Maybe in a few days I'll get bored with drinking heavily and watching Family Guy. Maybe not.

I'm more worried about the fact that I haven't even found the energy to shower yet today. I brushed my teeth when I got up and then lost the will to wash. Luckily it's Saturday and I have two hours before I have to do anything.

You know you've reached a new creative low when you blog about hygeine. I'll finish with a stream of gibberish.

gug hall kip saint louise of gonzo ah fuck it

# posted by Keith : 10:06:00 AM

Friday, May 06, 2005

Post-Election Opinion

Apart from the unfortunate loss of Internet access, last night went pretty well. Surprisingly enough, most of the exit polls were deadly accurate - Labour are back in with a projected 356 seats with less than 30 constituencies left to report. However, this majority is far from ideal for Blair. While an historic vote of confidence from the British people to ask him back for a third term, it's clear to see that the political landscape today is very different from anything we've seen in the last 4 years.

The Conservatives may once again have become a viable opposition. They're projected to finish up with 198 seats in this parliament - far from threatening, but a good sign nonetheless for the Tories. Similarly, the Lib Dems made significant gains at the expense of Labour. While I doubt I'll live to see a Lib Dem administration it's very interesting to see them win seats such as Manchester Withington.

The most important outcome of the night, of course, is the slashed majority of the Labour Party. A stark contrast to the Labour landslides of '97 and '01 when voters rejected Thatcherite conservative politics in favour of Tony's New Labour, Blair escaped this year with around 36% of the popular vote - only 3% more than the Tories.

One of the reasons for this reduced majority has been th protest vote factor, previous Labour voters turning to the Lib Dems to protest Blair's handling of the Iraq war. While not enough to unseat him it's more than enough to give the party a scare. Labour must now work hard to win back the trust of these protest voters. Without these voters to create a buffer between Labour and the Conservatives it could be a very interesting night indeed.

# posted by Keith : 5:03:00 AM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Liveblogging the British Election 2005

As I've made quite clear in the past, British politics is dull as dishwater. Campaigning has none of the drama you get in the US. Our campaigns last about a month, and even after that short period we Brits are already bored with the spectacle.

However, this is the night it gets interesting. In the next few hours we expect to see Labour's majority slashed. My personal opinion is that they will safely remain in power. The question, though, is how much power? Stay tuned, readers. I'll be liveblogging the results as they come in, so feel free to drop in as the evening goes on.

For the past three elections, the first constituency to release poll results has been Sunderland South. This constituency has been in Labour hands since 1992, when Chris Mullin seized the seat. The seat is considered safe by any standards, with a 63% share in 2001, 68% in '97 and a hair under 58% in 1992.

And the first result of the evening is.....

drumroll, please...

Chris Mullin, Labour - 17,982

That's about 59% of the popular vote. While solid, it's by no means a good sign for Labour. It's very good for the Lib Dems - they stole 3% of Labour's share.

1 down. 645 to go.

Number 2 is Sunderland North.

The winner?

William Etherington, Labour - 15,719 votes.

Sunderland North is almost a mirror of Sunderland South. It has been a Labour seat controlled by Etherington since 1992 - however, this year Labout lost 9% on the 2001 election.

The third result in is Houghton and Washington East, the seventh safest Labour seat in the UK. With 735 of the vote in 2001, Labour's Fraser Kemp seems a lock. The result?

Fraser Kemp, Labour - 22,310

Again, even this safest of constituencies has seen a downturn of 9% for Labour since the 2001 election. These first results suggest that Labour could lose a huge number of their battleground constituencies as their marginal voters turn to the Lib Dems.

The next result to be declared is Rutherglen and Hamilton West, just south of Glasgow in Scotland. This has been a Labour seat since we were fighting Hitler, and in 2001 Labour candidate Tommy McAvoy took 57,4% of the vote.

The winner is...

Tommy McAvoy, Labour - 24,054

McAvoy is the first Labour candidate to show an increase in the vote since 2001. However, since 2001 there has been a reshuffle in the Scottish constituencies, so in real terms McAvoy lost 4% of his share since 2001. And the pattern continues... so far Labour have lost 6.75% of the vote since 2001. Labour won 41% of the vote in 2001, while the Conservatives took 32%. If the pattern continues we'll see Labour take around a little over 34%.

Barnsley Central is the fifth constituency to declare. One of the safest Labour seats in the country, Illsley has held this seat since 1987, and in recent years has garnered at least 69% of the popular vote. The winner this time?

Eric Illsley, Labour - 17,478

Again we see a downturn in the Labour vote - 9%, in fact. That knocks up the average dowturn in Labour voted to 7.2% on the 2001 election. It seems more and more likely that the exit polls may have overstated the expected Labour margin of victory. We'll have to wait for the marginal constituencies to come in before drawing any solid conclusions.

Labour have held Hull West and Hessle. Alan Johnson has held the seat since 1985, but lost 3% of the vote compared to 2001.

Labour have also held Rotherham. Denis MacShane took 15840 votes, but lost 11% of the vote compared to 2001.

They also held Vauxhall in London with 19,744 votes, down 6% on 2001.

Aw crap. It seems I'll have to cut this coverage short. I had to move to another room to let the occupant of this one sleep (he's been clerking at our local polling place from 7am-10pm, so he's a little beat). I took a laptop to the lounge, but it seems our new cordless phones are interfering with the broadband connection in there. I can't quite figure out technology more sophisticated than a bottle opener, and I fear that if I start pulling on wires I'll never get the phones back on. So, you'll have to keep up to date by such outmoded media as TV news or the wireless (they still call it wireless, don't they?)

Meanwhile, I'll retire to bed where I can watch the results until I drift off. Night all.

Running Total (number of seats)

Labour=353
Conservative=195
Lib Dem=59

# posted by Keith : 5:52:00 PM

Hhmmmm...

Well, as it turns out I think my ad campaign is still running. I'm not entirely sure, but I'll leave the ads up a little longer until I know for sure. In fact, I'll step them up a little (shut up - I just spent 2 grand I don't have on a car. I'm a shill, but a loveable shill).

Now I'll sit here waving a wedge of cheese until someone clicks it.

P.S. Hey, and if worst comes to worst and the campaign is closed, at least the woman on the ad is pretty damned hot.

# posted by Keith : 3:17:00 PM

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Ha. Google Rules!

Tomorrow we'll all be going to the polls to decide who will run my country for the next 4 years. I've written maybe one post about the election, outlining just how crushingly dull British politics can be. This, however, has been enough to rocket me as high as number 11 (out of a hair over 3.5 million results) on Google for '2005 British Elections'. I'm now hovering around number 30 - ahead of The Economist, The National Review, C-SPAN and even the frickin' BBC.

Of course, when I said we'll all be going to the polls, I mean everyone else will be going to the polls. I'll be sitting on the sofa eating cheese and red onion sandwiches watching Scrubs and Smallville. Apathetic? Meh.

# posted by Keith : 5:16:00 PM

"If I Could Be..."

I got tagged with the "If I Could Be..." meme by moehawk a couple of weeks ago. "Tagged"? "Meme"? "moehawk"? What kind of hellish nightmare is this? Anyway, far be it from me to ignore my responsibilities, so....

If I could be a lawyer... I'd be recruited by a prestigous law firm who turn out to be in bed with the mob/ stumble upon a huge mass tort case, make millions and then be indicted for insider trading and sued by my clients/ open my own firm with a hard-working but extremely ugly paralegal as the Robin to my Batman, fall for a woman with an abusive husband and sue an insurance company for billions. Hell, anything to get John Grisham to write about me. It's crap... but it's entertaining crap.

If I could be a linguist... I'd challenge Noam Chomsky to an all-linguist Death Match. I think I could take him. I really, really do.

If I could be a psychologist... I'd finally figure out why every night I dream I'm being chased down the street by my Mother - but she doesn't look like my Mother: she looks like Adolph Hitler in a bright pink Superman costume carrying a bag of donuts and a short length of wood.

If I could be an architect... I'd travel back in time to the year my Dad designed the building I studied in at university, slap him hard in the face and demand to know why, of all the materials he could have used, he chose to use ridiculously ugly brown glass. Wait - architects can time travel, right?

If I could be a writer... I'd have a hell of a lot more readers than I get tossing out this tepid pap every few days.

I'm supposed to tag a few bloggers with the meme, but as I'm famed for my sloth I'll just generally tag the blogosphere. Feel free to consider yourselves all officially tagged. It's time for my tea.

# posted by Keith : 3:43:00 PM

Just When You Thought You'd Got Rid of Me

You take a break for a measly week and your advertisers bail on you. Turns out I'm not being paid anymore for my Godo loans ads. Damned things are more trouble than they're worth.

It was good to have a week off. Things have been a little crazy around here recently so I enjoyed the time off. My grandad passed away in the early hours of Saturday, but after the weeks of agony he went through in hospital - on top of the years of general pain and reliance on bottled oxygen and pills - it was for the best. He had, as we Brits like to say, a good innings. The problem is that because it was a bank holiday weekend the country totally shut down, so my gran was only able to get a death certificate yesterday, and she still has to register the death before starting to arrange the funeral.

I've never understood why people should have to sort out all the paperwork of death themselves. If there's one thing you don't need on your plate when your nearest and dearest passes away its miles and miles of bloody forms - and that's before you even get to the stage of being stung for a couple of grand for what amounts to a wooden box and a hole in the ground to put it. Fortunately for gran she has a lot of children who can take some of the burden. We'll be hosting the post-funeral reception at our house to avoid having to hire a function room and catering. That's another thing I don't get - post-funeral parties. I can't think of a less appropriate time to break out the chips and dip.

Anyway... in other news, the new car is bloody brilliant. After a year of driving an absolute pile of shit it's a breath of fresh air to pull away from the lights without the back end of the car juddering so much it actually leaves the ground. It's also nice to have such luxuries and functioning brakes, suspension and tread on the tires.

I've also got a fancy new mobile phone, one with 16 times as much memory as the last one, a 1.3 megapixel camera, MP3 player, FM radio and frickin' Super Mario Brothers on it. The only problem, of course, is that my new network has terrible coverage up here in the hills so I can't reliably make calls or sends texts from home. Then again, who ever makes calls on their phone? Thats, like, so April.

# posted by Keith : 3:08:00 PM

Thursday, April 28, 2005

No Title

Apart from the whole death of my car farrago in the past week, I've also been distracted by a couple of other things. The most important of these is that my step-grandad is dying. He's been in hospital for a good while now, with alll sorts of illnesses related to both his old age and his years of smoking, but he worsened in the past week. My gran was called in with the rest of the family late last week with a warning that he would probably go within a few hours, but he managed to fight back from the edge - something he's done 3 times in the last 2 years.

Tonight, though, may be his final night. My dad came to find us at the pub to tell us that he's fading fast. My gran, mum and most of the family are at the hospital, but my brother, sister and I have had a few drinks so we thought we'd better stay away.

Anyway, blogging will be scarce the next few days. I just don't feel like it right now.

# posted by Keith : 6:14:00 PM

Monday, April 25, 2005

New Car

After a long weekend of searching around, calling dealers and - more often than not - discovering that the car I wanted had already been sold, I've finally found a decent ride. It's an R reg (1998) Ford Fiesta 1.25l Zetec with a little over 40,000 miles on it. It seems in good shape, but I probably wouldn't know a bad car unless it actually exploded on the test drive.

What pisses me off, though, is that I was looking at a much better car earlier in the day. I found a Fiesta on the Internet that was a year newer, had 15,000 fewer miles on the clock and looked, if you'll forgive the language, fucking cool. Diamond black (is that any different than regular black?) stunning alloys, electric windows, power steering, central locking and a nice CD player, and just a few hundred quid more than the one I ended up buying. I couldn't get through to the dealer on the phone so I drove out in my temporary company car to the dealership. As I approached I saw that the car was still in front, and wandered around it in awe for a few minutes, drooling all over the paintwork. After I reached a dangerous level of dehydration the dealer sauntered out and told me it had been sold last week. Were they just trying to torture me by leaving it out on show? We'll never know - I tore out the guys lungs and threw them into traffic. Grrr.

Anyway. I went on to another showroom and settled on a different Fiesta. It's cheaper, but it doesn't look quite as good and doesn't have the features of the other one (apart from power steering and a sunroof). Both front tyres are a little worn and it wants to wander to the left but otherwise it seems great. I got him to replace both front tyres, realign the tracking, tax the car and get a fresh MoT and agreed on a price. I can finally pick it up Wednesday.

So, all in all this has been a weekend that cost me a couple of thousand pounds more than I'd planned to spend, but otherwise it was good.

# posted by Keith : 6:35:00 PM

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Apropos of nothing, is it just me or do you also get a little chill down your spine when, after 4 minutes of silence, Tom Hanks says 'Houston, this is Odyssey - it's good to see you again"?

Maybe it's just the novelty of Hanks shutting up for a minute.

# posted by Keith : 9:35:00 AM

Friday, April 22, 2005

RIP Punto

My beloved car passed away at a little after 7pm Thursday evening. After a long illness whose symptoms included corroded brake lines, a complete suspension failure, a shaky clutch, bent exhaust and bodywork damage, yesterday evening the straw broke the camel's back.

I had been driving all day on the motorway, and ended up at the end of the day in a local pub with a friend. Later on we drove back to his house, but on the way the engine cut out in the middle of the street. I put on the hazard lights, pushed the car onto the kerb and called my recovery service. While I waited I popped the bonnet and noticed that the cambelt had snapped.

It costs 50 quid (something like $100) to replace the cambelt (also called the timing belt), and they're supposed to last about 40,000 miles. This one lasted about 8,000. The reason is that I have a worn bearing in the camshaft, and I'm assuming it caused excessive wear on the cambelt. A new camshaft costs 200 quid (almost $400). On top of all the other necessary repairs I would have had to shell out around 700 pounds (a little less than $1,400). The car isn't worth that much, so it seems a little pointless to throw good money after bad.

So. I had the car towed to a nearby garage I know and the owner let me leave it there until it gets towed. I stripped all I could carry from the car and told the mechanic to go nuts - feel free to take anything he wants before the scrap metal scavengers pick it up.

I managed to wangle a company car from my boss for a few days, but in the meantime I have to spend the weekend looking for the cheapest car I can find. I have 650 pounds in the bank but I'm looking to spend about 400. For that price I'm guaranteed to get a piece of shit that'll break down after a few miles, but I can't afford anything else.

A few years ago, if you'll allow me to go off on a tangent, I was flying to Singapore. As we were landing R Kelly's 'I believe I can Fly' piped through the Tannoy, as if the only thing keeping the plane in the air was the collective will of the passengers. In that vein, I need you all to keep up a continuous prayer to keep whatever shitty piece of scrap metal I buy on the road. Say a quick prayer as soon as you wake up in the morning and with a bit of luck I won't end up in a fiery ball on the hard shoulder of some God-forsaken motorway in the middle of nowhere.

If, on the other hand, you decide not to pray for the car, you should feel pretty damned guilty when this site suddenly goes quiet for a few weeks, followed by a brief post from my mother to notify you of my painful fiery death.

Whatever. It's up to you.

# posted by Keith : 1:27:00 PM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

From the Mailbag

Rusty Shackleford has posted part 1 of a 4 part interview with the family of Roy Hallums, a civilian contractor abducted in Iraq last November and held hostage since.

Roy was taken hostage along with six other foreign nationals, including a Fillipino named Robert Tarongoy. The U.S. did not publish the fact that an American citizen had been taken hostage because of a policy of treating civilian abductions as purely private matters. The Jawa Report was the first publication to identify Roy Hallums as the hostage.

Read the rest.

# posted by Keith : 5:14:00 PM

Monday, April 18, 2005

God Bless Alcohol

Jesus H. Christ I had a shitty day.

I noticed one of my rear tyres was almost flat this morning, so I drove to a nearby petrol station by a supermarket to pump it up. About 200 yards from the station the car started coughing, and I noticed it was totally out of petrol. I managed to nurse it into the car park, but it gave up the ghost just 30 yards from the pumps. So... I had to buy a petrol can to carry the gas 30... fucking... yards. Hell, the pump almost stretched that far. I could have pushed it but I'd look like such a loser I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Anyway, a few quid later the tank was full but the rear tyre was still flat and the station didn't have a working air pump, so I had to drive a few miles to the next station. That one didn't work, though, so I had to drive a few more miles looking for another. After almost getting into the centre of Manchester I gave up and drove back. Two hours wasted, and I only got half the work done that I planned.

Thank God I got drunk tonight.

Heh.

# posted by Keith : 6:42:00 PM

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Matt Drudge is an Ass

Matt Drudge in the Sunday Times (h/t Sisu):

Now he sounds disillusioned and says that the "din" is growing into a cacophony: "There's a danger of the internet just becoming loud, ugly and boring with a thousand voices screaming for attention." He is no fan of the blogging phenomenon (weblogs linking sites): "I don't read them. I like to create waves and not surf them. And who are these influential bloggers? You can't name one because they don't exist."

The Drudge Report earns Matt about $1.2million a year, a figure that has been climbing since Drudge shot to fame covering Clinton and Lewinski in the 90's. The Report, a muddled mess of news links and popups draws in, according to Drudge, over 200,000,000 visitors a month - far more than any blog.

Could it be, though, that Matt worries that the success of the blogosphere in recent times may come to overshadow his own success? Could it be that his position in the world of citizen journalism is in danger? After all, while no one site comes close to his level of traffic, the blogosphere as a whole drowns out the voice of Drudge in what he himself describes as a cacophony. But its a good cacophony.

For a journalist like Matt, suddenly bursting into the spotlight and gaining notoriety as an outsider long before anyone had heard the term 'blog', it must be worrying to watch the medium go beyond his control - to watch so many voices emerge in such a short time. These voices rarely have access to the inside sources that give Drudge his exclusives, but together they dig away at leads until they find the story with only their computers and the occasional phone call.

Anyway, have you seen the Drudge Report? It's like the front page of Google News designed by a drunk monkey. With no hands.

Update: Patrick Ruffini agrees.

Not about the drunk monkey part. Just the other stuff.

# posted by Keith : 11:35:00 AM

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Lazy Reporting From the NYT

As I said in the comments here at Dean's World, picking up on the errors of the New York Times isn't exactly rocket science. Today, in an article entitled 'Security vs. Rebuilding: Kurdish Town Loses Out', they discuss the ramifications of cut-backs in Iraqi water projects:

But with the outbreak of insurgency in central and southern Iraq last year, the United States shifted $3.4 billion from water, electricity and oil projects to pay for training and equipping the Iraqi Army and police forces.

Hmmm, I thought. That looks familiar. Now where could I have seen that story before? Oh yeah. It was in the New York Times last year:

BAGHDAD, Iraq, July 25 - Rising security and other overhead costs of Western contractors are cutting into the billions of dollars set aside for some 90 planned water projects, allowing them to supply only half the potable water originally expected, Iraqi officials say.

Think it could just be an honest mistake? Maybe it was just a matter of two Times reporters writing about the same subject and happened to cover the same subject matter, right? Wrong. Both articles were written by the same guy, James Glanz.

Of course, even ignoring the dishonesty of rehashing old articles in an effort to attack the reconstruction efforts, I can point to at least three reasons why increasing investment in security for the reconstruction is money well spent:

This

and this

# posted by Keith : 7:51:00 AM

Friday, April 15, 2005

Times Disassembles Truth, Strips Words of Meaning, Reassembles

Let tell you what pisses me off about the New York Times. Its not so much that they flat out lie, but that they're extremely selective with the truth when it suits them.

An example can be found in today's International section in an article titled 'A Trail of Pain From a Botched Attack in Iraq in 2003' regarding a "friendly fire" incident that claimed the lives of 3 US soldiers and wounded 5 in April 2003. An Air Force F-15E Strike Eagle mistook a US artillery unit for an Iraqi missile battery and fired on them with a 500-pound bomb.

Where the Times departs from the truth is when they claim that the soldiers involved - and the public in general - were kept in the dark about the incident, and that the fact that it was friendly fire has been covered up. They go as far as suggesting that the soldiers involved were, in fact, pressured to conceal the truth.

Specialist Coyne, now retired from the military, received a Purple Heart for his injury. But he says that at the award ceremony at Fort Sill, Okla., his superiors instructed him to keep quiet about his suspicions that he had been bombed by American forces.

What they fail to mention is that an investigation into the incident was under way just hours after the incident, and the facts of the case were already common knowledge just days afterwards.

Until recently, some believed the explosion was caused by an Iraqi grenade,
while others blamed non-American coalition forces.

Who are these 'some'? Along with others, CNN reported the incident as friendly fire just days after the event:

An accidental F-15E Strike Eagle airstrike killed three U.S. service members and injured five others, U.S. officials said.

In addition to this, the father of Donald Oaks Jr., one of those killed on April 3rd, was actually informed by the Pentagon of how his son had died on April 4th, 24 hours after he was killed:

The Pentagon would only tell the family that Donny was killed by "friendly fire" on April 4.

Does it sound like they were trying to cover anything up to you?

Cross-posted at Dean's World.

# posted by Keith : 7:48:00 PM

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Guest Blogging

I'll be guest blogging over at Dean's World for the next couple of days, so if you want more bloggy goodness go here.

# posted by Keith : 2:15:00 PM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Chronicles of Glenn IV: WTW Edition

LET ME TELL ya, I wasn't always a powerful high profile blogger-cum-professor. Far from it. I was raised in the rough 'hood of NorthNorthEast Knoxville, where you lived by your wits and only had basic cable.

One time I called a cop 'Pig'.

UPDATE: That was wild.

# posted by Keith : 5:24:00 PM

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I'm With Jay Tea

Wizbang's Jay Tea has stirred up an unlikely debate over Mormom baptism of the dead. It seems that the Mormon church has been post-humously baptising people for years without the knowledge or consent of the relatives of the deceased (and, naturally, the deceased him/herself). Dean and Rusty don't see the problem.

I'm not religious in the slightest, but if someone tried to baptise me when I'm lying there trying to get a good dirt nap I'd be pissed. Jay Tea put it best: I'm a huge believer in freedom of religion, but I've always thought that a key element of that concept was the right to be free FROM religion.

I get pissed off when religious folk try to make me see the light. I don't like the way they look at me like I'm some naive fool. Feel free to believe whatever you want, but just keep it out of my house, OK? If I choose one day to accept Jesus as my saviour it'll be on my own terms, not because a priest tells me to, or some ass in a cheap suit knocks on my door and sells me God like a set of encyclopedias.

Look, it's very simple. If you're Jewish and you find out your Dad was baptised as a Mormon after his death of course you won't be happy with it. Who would? These guys aren't just making some wishy washy blessings for you. They're swearing you in to the Mormon church. I've never been to Utah but as far as I've heard Mormon Central ain't no party I want to go to. Not only are they making you a post-mortem Mormon (try saying that ten times) they're insulting your faith. They're saying you were wrong to believe what you believed. Sure, they may have the best intentions but that doesn't make it any less annoying.

It would be the same deal for an atheist such as myself. I've made my choice and I'm sticking to it. If I die and show up in Mormon heaven someone's getting a beating.

Also blogging

Aaron, SobekPundit, Bogus Gold.

Update

In response to a few comments I'd like to clarify: I understand that they don't actually exhume a body and dip it in a font. That isn't the point.

Jay Tea, I believe, puts it best in his absolute final word on the matter:

The Mormon Position: "We're only doing this because we care about you. If we're right, you'll thank us. If we're wrong, there's no real harm. So, what's the problem?"

The Jewish Position: "Regardless of your motives, we find it distasteful and offensive. Besides, whenever in our history people do things to us 'for our own good,' it almost inevitably turns out bad for us. Especially when it involves making lists of us. So please stop."

# posted by Keith : 1:18:00 PM

Monday, April 11, 2005

Heading to the US

A couple of weeks ago I asked for some advice about Frederick, Maryland, as a good friend of mine was moving out there to work for six months for an electronic engineering company. First, let me thank those who responded to that post: especially those who emailed links to nespaper articles and other websites. You were all a great help.

As it turns out, though, Craig only stayed briefly in Frederick. He's now been relocated to somewhere in New Jersey. He spent the weekend in New York and is now hard at work 12 hours a day in the cracker factory somewhere in NJ. He will, however, be spending his last three months in Frederick before moving on to Italy for another six months.

I'm fairly drunk right now but I'm getting more and more excited by the minute about heading to America for a short break. I'm thinking a week, but after receiving my commission for this month I can probably afford two. As we say in the UK, a few weeks with Craig in New York would be 'messy'.

# posted by Keith : 6:27:00 PM

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Chronicles of Glenn, Vol. III

SOMETHING MY OLD man used to say seems prescient today. He said, 'son, when you've got a mean thirst and no cash, brake fluid can be your friend. Just make sure you choose a DOT3 or DOT4 solution: anything else'll burn your insides like a motherfucker.'

UPDATE: It just goes to show that wise words can survive hepatotoxicity and sudden, catastrophic kidney failure.

# posted by Keith : 4:06:00 PM

British Elections

British politics are dull. Trust me on this. The problem could be that the British electorate don't respond to the overblown drama that so interests me about US politics. Also, the UK isn't so sharply divided about news-making issues such as abortion. We're divided about it, but it doesn't dictate which party you support (at least not to the extent that it does in the US).

The result of this is that we don't seem to get fired up about UK politics (I don't, anyway). It seems my ignorance of UK politics has given me a little surprise today, though (h/t Outside the Beltway). The performance of the Conservatives over the past few years (with lacklustre leader following lacklustre leader) led me to believe that they are entirely unelectable. I never imagined that some polls could have them drawing level with Labour.

I've not yet made up my mind this time around. I'd be quite happy to give Blair another term, but I'm not sure I support him enough to vote. I might just withhold it again until it stops being a case of choosing the lesser of who cares.

# posted by Keith : 2:20:00 PM

The Roundup

Tim Worstall's Britblog Roundup #8 is up. Go. Now.

# posted by Keith : 12:12:00 PM

Saturday, April 09, 2005

If You Lay Down With Dogs...

A few years ago I was taking the bus home from a lecture in Manchester when I was approached by a guy who wanted to sell me a Minidisc player. It was a decent model, and back then this was the height of technology. He told me it was mine for 25 quid. I asked him if it was stolen, to which he replied 'does it matter?'. Naturally my answer went along the lines of 'I will have no part in this. I bid you good day, sir'.

I think I'm right in thinking that you wouldn't buy a Minidisc player if you knew it was stolen. You definitely wouldn't buy it if you knew the owner was beaten up during the theft. Imagine what kind of person you would be if you bought it when you knew the owner was killed during the theft?

So why is it acceptable for a news agency to buy photos from a guy who collaborates with terrorists? A person who makes his trade from recording the deaths of innocents, with full and willing foreknowledge of the atrocities he will photograph?

There have been several photos to come out of this war that were dubious in nature - just a little too perfect, a little too convenient to be just lucky shots, the photographer in the right place at the right time.

The argument can be, and has been, made that war reporters and photographers are simply unfazed of the danger of battle. They are willing to heroically risk life and limb in the pursuit of that perfect shot - the shot that encapsulates to spirit of battle; that highlights the courage and valour of the allied soldier, the futility of resistance. More than anything, perhaps, the shot that can contend for the much sought-after Pulitzer Prize.

However, there are certain situations that beg the question 'just how much did this guy know about what was going down?'. Are they willing to take tips from the enemy? Are they willing to collaborate? Are they even willing to stand and watch, invited guests to the slaughter of innocents and our troops?

The question must also be asked: if I bought the Minidisc player stolen during a murder am I innocent - or am I no better than the killer himself? Everyone has a price. I'm glad that mine is considerably higher than that of one CBS cameraman.

And the moral? If you lay down with dogs... you can fill in the rest.

Others blogging

Austin Bay
Random Probabilities
The Mudville Gazette
Sisyphean Musings
Blogs for Bush
Powerline
Say Anything
Dean's World

and many, many more.

Update

From the comments:

Reporting from Baghdad, CBS News Correspondent Lee Cowan told Bob Schieffer that CBS News is cooperating with military investigators. The cameraman came with good recommendations, Cowan said:

"From every indication we had, the work he had done for us the past three months has been exceptional,'' Cowan said. He noted the all the networks employ locals in Iraq that help get footage that U.S. photographers couldn't get.
-----------
On Friday, CBS News issued a statement saying the cameraman had been working with the network for about three months, and had been referred by a trusted source with whom CBS has had a two-year relationship.

"It is common practice in Iraq for Western news organizations to hire local cameramen in places considered too dangerous for Westerners to work effectively. The very nature of their work often puts them in the middle of very volatile situations,'' the statement said.

First, some commenters need to learn that the 'name' field in Haloscan comments has a character limit - you're gonna get cut off if you try to start your argument there - as happened with 'Do a little bit of research be' (that goes for you too, 'Could Your Head Be Any Further')

OK. Lets not pretend that CBS are innocent victims of circumstance here. You're responsible for who you choose to work with, and when your photographer keeps submitting up-close and personal shots of terrorist activity somebody should be asking how this guy is getting so close to the action. "From every indication we had, the work he had done for us the past three months has been exceptional". Well. Duh.

I want to see Abdul Amir Younis Hussein's portfolio. He's been working with CBS for 3 months, so they should have a good collection of his photos and negatives. He was holding photographic evidence of four separate IED attacks on his camera. How many similar photos have been submitted to CBS? How many have been put on the news or website? Moreover, was this guy working exclusively for CBS or was he freelancing for several networks?

Greed and wilful stupidity won't exculpate CBS - and if it turns out that Hussein was working with the insurgents someone at CBS should be publicly flogged. But, of course, they will probably worm their way out of it with a few well-crafted statements that have had any real meaning stripped from them wholesale. It will have been a 'regrettable error' to have hired Hussein. A 'well-intentioned judgement which was, in hindsight, in error'. And then before you know it the spectacular ratings-grabbing shots will begin once again to flow in, and everyone will forget that the media pays the wages of the enemy.

'Nother Update

Mustang 23 from Assumption of Command agrees.

# posted by Keith : 1:59:00 PM

Chronicles of Glenn, Vol. II

WELL, I USED to be a UN ambassador for peace, but once the whole peanut boy scandal broke that was all pretty much over.

UPDATE: I'm not allowed to go back to Thailand, either.

# posted by Keith : 8:23:00 AM

Thursday, April 07, 2005

No Sleep 'til York

How about this for crazy? My friends and I are planning a long weekend to York next month (we did it last month, and I believe today's youth would have described it as 'off the hook' or something similarly nonsensical - christ, I'm only 23. I am today's youth).

Seem to have lost my thread there. Anyway, I was just looking at hotel prices for the weekend we want to go, and I've found 2 possibilities. The first, a Travelodge, is a 2 star motel type arrangement. Comfortable and clean, but nothing special. It's basically a bed, a shower, and possibly a window. 2 nights = 140 quid (about $260).

The second option is the York Hilton. 4 star hotel with everything you expect from a Hilton. 2 night= 210 quid (about $390).

Considering this is the rate for 4 of us, we could choose the roach motel or the luxury suite - for a difference of $32. Hhmmmm.

# posted by Keith : 7:03:00 PM

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Statistical Analysis of Instapundit, or, Where's My F*cking Instalanche, Reynolds?

I've been looking at the link patterns of Instapundit in the past few days. I counted every link given from the start of April until around 5pm GMT today, April 6th - a total of 192 links.

To begin, I'm well aware that Instapundit isn't a king-maker. An Instalanche won't suddenly rocket you to the top of the blogosphere overnight, and you won't suddenly find crazy blog advertising money pour into your bank account. However, a sudden rush of readers, however fleeting, is always nice. The biggest rush I've ever had was about 3,000 in a few hours from IMAO. Mmmmm... readers.

Now I'll contradict myself. A link from Instapundit can be huge. Since many thousands of readers use Instapundit as a sort of blogosphere base camp, almost 100% of an Instalanche is made up of fresh readers unfamiliar with your site. There is the potential there to impress a few of these readers enough to keep coming back. Write a few good posts during an Instalanche and you can hook dozens of new regular readers - some of whom will go straight back to their own sites and link to you.

Anyway. What brought this on is that I noticed that Austin Bay Blog seems to have been getting an awful lot of attention in the past few weeks, and I wanted to take a look at the diversity of his links.

Of the 192 links so far in April, 92 have been repeated at least once. Bearing in mind the brevity of the sample set, the fact that almost 48% of Glenn's attention (and traffic) goes to the same 29 sites in just 6 days tells us a lot about the site's diversity.

Based on Instapundit's SiteMeter data, an average of 156,920 readers visit Instapundit in each 24-hour period. All things being equal (ignoring the fact that name recognition may drive more people towards any given link) this means that a single link from Instapundit during the past 6 days (discounting the expected lull in weekend traffic) equals 4,903 visitors. This means that just 29 sites shared 451,076 visitors, while the balance was spread over the 100 remaining individual sites.

And so, Instapundit suddenly becomes even less accessible for the aspiring blogger than before. While at first glance it may seem to be a hugely generous link farm, distributing thousands of readers around the less travelled avenues of the blogosphere every day, it appears that the site is in fact a much more closed system.

Not that I blame the guy. If I was asked to write dozens of posts a day, each requiring me to seek out quality posts to link - even with the promise of Blogad revenues and other benefits - the answer would be 'thanks, but no thanks'. The fact that Glenn has kept it up for several years, including holidays, shows just how dedicated the guy is.

What I'd like to see, though, is a similar analysis on a month-by-month basis since Instapundit's inception, to see if the linking policy has always been this limited or whether I'm just bitter about never getting a link.

Results

Instapundit Links 01-06 April 2005

2 links
Daily Pundit
Tech Central Station
Hugh Hewitt
My Aisling
Small Dead Animals
Samizdata
Winds of Change
Washington Times
Q and O
Spirit of America
The Volokh Conspiracy
The Belmont Club
Inside Higher Ed
CBC
Secondamendmentdocumentary.com
New York Times
Democracy Arsenal

3 links
US News
Chris Nolan
Opinion Journal
Slate

4 links
Publius Pundit
Roger L Simon

5 links
Trey Jackson
Austin Bay

6 links
National Review
Ann Althouse
Captain's Quarters

10 links
Amazon

Update

Dean Esmay, with almost supernatural timing, argues against the insular nature of blogs - also mentioning Instapundit. Meanwhile, Simon argues for it.

'Nother Update

I think the important point to note here, as Dean and others note in the comments, is that there's nothing at all wrong with the fact that Glenn goes through spates of linking a particular site heavily for a while. Moreover it would be churlish of me to bemoan the fact. Looking at my own reading habits it's clear that I fall into the same habit. In the two years I've been blogging my only two religiously daily reads have been Dean's World and Wizbang, with several others falling in and out of favour on a seemingly random basis. Recently I've been spending a good amount of time at Basil's blog, and most of my day in and out of Itsapundit.

For about 18 months between 2003 and 2004 James Joyner's Outside the Beltway was my first daily port of call, but in the past year it's been relegated to a weekly visit - and no, there isn't a good reason for that. James and his co-bloggers still do a great job, but its just one of those things.

'Nother Update

On a semi-related subject, I'm amazed at the speeds of Glenn's email responses. These past two weeks I've notified him of the posting of Tim Worstall's Britblog Roundup, and within two or three minutes he's linked it. Considering the number of emails he must get every day that's pretty remarkable. Yakes me the best part of a day to reply to an email, and I only get abot 5 or 6 related to the site each day.

# posted by Keith : 5:13:00 PM

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Crazy Blog Money

I've got some new ads running up there today - those rather unsightly flashing godo boxes. Okay, they're ugly, but a) since when was this site well-designed? and b) they pay a tiny proportion of the bills.

# posted by Keith : 1:51:00 PM

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Secret of Its(apundit) Success

Now, here's a perfect example of an April Fools joke that was well executed, didn't take advantage of the readers (grrr) , and had a positive effect on everyone involved. It's A Pundit.

Basil set up itsapundit.com as a joke, a piss-take of Glenn Reynolds' ubiqitous Instapundit. He invited a select few of us to come along and guest post (he must have mailed me the invite accidentally, I'm sure), and guest post we did.

Now, a few days later, we're still posting. What's more, a lot of people are reading. Already itsapundit has around double my readership, and with the level of funny that gets written there every day - not forgetting the sheer volume of it - I can see it's popularity continuing. It's a unique opportunity to read the work of some of the funniest and most talented 1st graders in the blogosphere in one place.

For my part I'll keep posting there as long as Basil leaves it up. I recommend you read while you have the chance.

# posted by Keith : 4:51:00 AM

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Chronicles of Glenn, Vol. I

SO I'M STANDING there, minding my own business - y'know, just browsing around - when I'm suddenly grabbed from behind by one of those rent-a-cop security thugs and dragged into a dark office with a hanging light bulb, where he proceeds to beat me mercilessly for the next 45 minutes.

UPDATE: Turns out you're not allowed in the Magic Kingdom wearing only a bowler hat and wrap-around shades.

# posted by Keith : 6:49:00 PM

Saturday, April 02, 2005

First Among Equals

Image courtesy Wizbangblog

"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

--Pope John Paul II

I've never believed in heaven, but I hope he's strolling through the gates about now.

Others talking

Wizbang
Instapundit
Dean's World
The Moderate Voice
Outside the Beltway
Michelle Malkin
Pundit Guy
Arthur Chrenkoff
Carpe Bonum
Powerline
Confederate Yankee
Kevin Drum
Captain's Quarters
The Anchoress
Baldilocks
Don Singleton

# posted by Keith : 7:02:00 PM

Lazy Saturdays

Today has been great. The north of England has been transformed from its usual bleak arctic tundra into a very pleasant spring day, complete with warm sun and a light, warm breeze. It was so nice, in fact, that I decided to go out to work for a couple of hours. Considering that my job consists of walking around the streets enjoying the sun while drinking bottle after bottle of fizzy drinks, that wasn't such a tough option.

Following that I came back and posted as Drunk Glenn over at Its A Pundit. It turns out to be a lot of fun to write as a less funny Jeff Goldstein while mocking Glenn Reynolds. Pretty soon I'll be getting a cab over to a friend's house so I can drink myself blind without having to worry about what to do with the car, and then sleep late tomorrow.

I'm considering expanding the Its A Pundit schtick to Sortapundit. I'm really enjoying writing about ferrying corpses over the Mexican border and setting alight squirrels.

# posted by Keith : 11:59:00 AM

Friday, April 01, 2005

Kevin Proves Survival of the Fittest, Fires Paul

Huh. Kevin Aylward has fired Paul over at Wizbang. After several warnings to drop the whole evolution argument that Paul's been leading these past few weeks, Kevin was finally pushed over the edge today.

I'm fairly sure this isn't an April Fools joke, but lets hold judgement until the morning. Traditionally April Fools jokes are supposed to stop at noon April 1st, so unless they're posting from Hawaii it's too late. More importantly, though, is the fact that this would be a very risky joke considering the vehemence of some of the comments. If we wake up tomorrow to a 'Ha Ha! Fooled ya!' I'd expect an awful lot of feet-shuffling and awkward apologies.

Just to throw my hat in the ring, I'm not too broken up about Paul's departure. I've been reading Wizbang since I first discovered blogs, so Kevin's writing has been part of my day as long as I remember. I actually applied to guest blog when Kevin threw open the doors last year, and I always blamed Paul for potentially stealing my job (kidding - I don't have a chance in hell to write at Wizbang).

Wizbang is better today as a group blog than it was as solo project, but I wouldn't attribute much of that success to Paul (who seems all too eager to take the credit for himself). Jay Tea has been the real discovery of the year. That guy's a genius.

Update

Jay Tea says he may consider bowing out of Wizbang after this. There'll always be a home for him here.

'Nother Update

Yeah, yeah, you should never believe anything you hear on April 1st (though I'm fairly sure the high praise from my boss was on the level). So I'm a fool. What else is new?

# posted by Keith : 3:27:00 PM

When They Said There Was No Such Thing As A Free Lunch, They Weren't Kidding

Aw crap. I got caught.

'Our records indicate that your account has been deactivated. '

Dear Keith Taylor, The purpose of this letter is to inform you that your publisher account has been removed from the CJ Network and your earnings have been reversed ("charged-back") from your account and credited back to the relevant advertiser(s). This is the result of non bona fide transactions identified by the latest audit performed on your account. Non bona fide transactions include false, self inflated, and/or duplicate leads or transactions. You are not eligible to rejoin the CJ Marketplace and any attempt to do so will result in immediate termination and reversal.

Well, that's £150 I won't be seeing. Thanks for your help anyway, guys.

I wonder if Oliver Willis will enjoy his second mortgage, though.

# posted by Keith : 2:06:00 PM

Obligatory April Fools Day Post

Aw crap. Basil just reminded me that it's April Fools Day.

Not a bad thing in itself, but I just got woken up by a call from my boss to tell me that my performance had skyrocketed recently, and that I'm the best performing employee in the area. Am I an April Fool?

# posted by Keith : 4:32:00 AM

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Does He Have The Balls?

Breaking news. Not 10 seconds ago, Jeff Goldstein and Bill Ardolino offered Oliver Willis the chance to appear alongside Little Green Footballs' Charles Johnson on radio next week. Hhmmm...

# posted by Keith : 7:00:00 PM

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Sortapundit 2

Hhhhm - this could be a problem.

I'm not quite sure what to do about this one? Is the name Sortapundit my intellectual property? Am I covered by copyright laws? I've been using it for over a year now, so surely I've got some sort of claim on it.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave it for the time being, and hope this guy just gives up after a few weeks. If he gets an Instalanche before me, though, there's gonna be blood.

# posted by Keith : 4:38:00 PM

More on Free Political Speech

I've tried to post this four times now, but Blogger decided to steal it for it's own dastardly purposes. Damned Blogger.

Anyway.

I've never thought about campaign finance reform as a priority until a few weeks ago. See, here in the UK elections are played out very differently than they are in the US. We don't go for the vastly expensive, year-long marathons you have over there. We don't have multi-million dollar advertising budgets.

We settle instead for a more toned down affair. Maybe the candidates will submit to a few interviews with the likes of Jeremy Paxman on the BBC (not the light option, trust me), a few town hall meetings and a hell of a lot of hand shaking and baby kissing. All in all out candidates don't need $100 million campaign budgets. They don't need to spend so much time raising money. I'm not quite sure why this is, but it seems as if there was some sort of gentleman's agreement many decades ago that we wouldn't resort to buying elections. Maybe it's just that the British people are generally too stingy to waste millions on a long, drawn out campaign. Who knows?

But I digress. Something Dean Esmay said in response to my previous post on the subject made me think. He said: 'I intend to do everything I can to openly defy these vile laws.' In addition to this, a commenter on one of my Command Post pieces remarked: 'This hearkens back to an ancient tenet of the Internet: "Usenet considers censorship a form of network failure, and routes around it."'

As far as I can see, a core characteristic of Americans is that they will happily defy any unjust law. You could extend this to unjust rule, regarding your rejection of British rule all those years ago - but let's not go on about it, eh?

What seems a constant in American history is the fact that whenever an unjust law is passed not only will there be a concerted popular effort to defy it, but someone will always find a way to make a fast buck off that defiance. Just ask Al Capone.

But abolition isn't the only example of Americans defying ridiculous laws. In states that ban fireworks, citizens travel across state lines to pick up all the rockets and Catherine wheels they need. Not only do the citizens defy a stupid law, but the businessmen who spot the gap in the market and open shop yards from the state line make out like bandits.

Another example: states such as New Hampshire that have no sales tax see a flood of shoppers pour in every day from neighbouring staes such as Vermont and Maine. Not so much an unjust law, but a nice bonus for the citizens. Again, the shoppers avoid the tax, and the store owners bring in the money hand over fist.

See, every time the government passes an unjust law, not only do they achieve the opposite of wha they intended but they always - always - end up in a worse position than if they hadn't passed it at all.

Forget my idea about outsourcing articles to the UK. Now I'm imagining towns sprouting just over the Mexican and Canadian borders, towns supported by hordes of bloggers crowding internet cafes each posting anything they want without fear of punishment, exercising the free speech that was first born when a few well-meaning souls added a little something to the Constitution many years ago. Screw the FEC.

# posted by Keith : 4:20:00 PM

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Quote of the Day

You know what another word for "special interests" is? "Citizens."

---Dean Esmay

# posted by Keith : 4:58:00 AM

Monday, March 28, 2005

Uh, Little Help?

I have a special request to make.

A friend of mine, a good friend I've known since we were both in short pants (not the same pair, obviously) is moving on Thursday from the UK to Frederick, Maryland. I need anyone familiar with Frederick, or indeed Maryland as a whole, to give me a few tips to pass on about the area.

Bearing in mind that he's my age (mid-twenties) we're looking more towards the good bars and a good place to eat rather than a nice tour of Frederick's covered bridges. Please leave any suggestions in the comments or, if you prefer, email me.

Thanks.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 5:28:00 PM

More Earthquakes in the Indian Ocean

There's been another earthquake in the Indian Ocean - this time it was 8.2 on the Richter Scale.

A USGS spokeswoman told Reuters the quake struck 125 miles west northwest off Sibolga, Sumatra or 880 miles northwest of the Indonesian capital of Jakarta, close to where the 9.0 magnitude quake struck in December.

A spokesman for the U.S. Geological Survey told CNN that the earthquake could cause tsunamis.

"Certainly evacuations should be occurring. I hope they are," spokesman Don Blakeman said, saying of the earthquake that "it could also cause some local tsunami activity."

In an attempt to use my meager education to enlighten those unfamiliar with the science of the situation, here is a repeat of my post from Boxing Day 2004, outlining the mechanics of how earthquakes cause tsunamis. Lets pray that the requisite criteria aren't fulfilled for this one. Lets also hope that the countries that could be battered by them again are taking steps to evacuate.

From Dec. 26th 2004

It occurs to me that the general public learn much of what they know about tsunamis from Hollywood movies like The Day After Tomorrow - movies that tend to sacrifice fact for spectacular effects. I'm no expert, but I might as well use my soapbox to straighten out a few facts.

To begin, the tsunamis were a symptom of an earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Richter scale. To give you some sort of idea of the power released during a quake of this magnitude, it's equal to about 32 billion tons of TNT. As residents of LA will be aware, the Richter scale is a base-10 logarithmic scale, which means that an earthquake measuring 9.0 on the scale will release many times more energy than an 8.0 quake.

The quake occurred just off the south coast of the Indonesian island of Sumatra, where the Eurasian and Indo-Australian tectonic plates meet. Those of you who have a firm grasp of plate tectonics can skip over the next paragraph, but for the rest of you...

As you probably know, the surface of the earth is made up numerous sections known as tectonic plates. These plates effectively float on the dense, hot asthenosphere, a layer of the mantle in which the rock is hot enough to become pliable - to be able to deform without fracturing.

Now, these tectonic plates move incredibly slowly - usually less than a few centimetres every year, and it's where they meet each other that we get problems. The Eurasian plate and the Indo-Australian plate meet each other at Sumatra. The Indo-Australian plate is being forced underneath the denser Eurasian plate at a rate of about 6cm each year at the Java Trench (here is a simplified animation of the process). The movements of the two plates are what cause earthquakes. The stresses caused by the two plates scraping together force pressure to build in the rock until it discharges all at once, literally snapping. The faultline slips perhaps 10-15m, causing the displacement of huge volumes of water. 15 metres doesn't sound like much, but you have to realise that this is 15 metres movement over maybe 1,000km of plate margin.

The displaced sea water travels at speeds of up to 500mph, effectively invisible to the naked eye. The crest of the waves will only be a few feet high in open water, the only visible sign of the enormous volume of water speeding along under the surface.

The momentum of the waves means that they can travel vast distances with little loss of energy. The 1960 earthquake off the coast of Chile created a tsunami that had enough energy to travel 10,000 miles in 22 hours until it hit land in Japan, killing about 150 people. Update - the Sumatran tsunami has now crossed almost 3,000 miles of ocean, killing at least 9 people in Somalia.

As the waves approach land, and the sea floor rises, the water slows dramatically as the waves compress like an accordion, forcing them to pile up vertically. They draw water from the coastline, creating powerful undercurrents that can drag swimmers out to sea. The tsunamis don't break like normal waves, but simply hit the coast like walls of water, destroying buildings, tossing boats into the air like toys, and smothering those who have been unable to escape under unimaginable volumes of water.

It's folly to think of a tsunami as just a large wave. It's much more accurate to imagine that it is an extension of the sea, conquering the land and pushing back the coastline, in some cases by hundreds of metres. The 1993 tsunami at Okushiri, Japan reached 32m in height - the same as an 8-storey building. You can't hide from that, and you sure as hell can't try to swim to the surface. All you can do is run.

Some of us have a head start. I wrote my dissertation on the gap in preparedness and aid for earthquakes between the developed and developing world and, tragically, most of the nations affected by today's disaster have laughable warning systems. It's been several years since I've looked into the subject but, last time I looked, India's method of saving lives following tsunamis was to build refuges on stilts. Their warning system consisted of rusting air raid sirens from WW2. I hope they've improved in the last 5 years, but I wouldn't bet on it.

The Pacific, in comparison, is relatively well-prepared for tsunamis. Underwater sensors can alert us to approaching tsunamis, giving people living on the Pacific Rim adequate time to find high ground or flee inland. Unfortunately, such systems are not widely used in the Indian Ocean and Bay of Bengal due to the cost of installing and monitoring the sensors, and the relative rarity of tsunamis.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 1:47:00 PM

Congratulations!

FrankJ and SarahK are getting married! That's the best news I've heard all year. Ah, I'll always wonder if Sarah and I would have ever got it together, if I only lived in the US, was crazy about handguns and, well, was as funny as FrankJ.

Anyway. Ahem. There are a couple of big questions now.

1. What would be the ideal wedding present for FrankJ and SarahJ (nee K)?

2. When, exactly, will the first kid come along, and what will be his/her name and super power.

Have at it in the comments.

# posted by Keith : 12:49:00 PM

My Friends

It is with a heavy heart that I must today report that I am conceding defeat against the forces of Basil's Blog and his mighty Coalition.

The war began well, with some significant early gains for the League of Sortapundit. We managed to steal the terms "Strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers" and "Jamie Lynn Spears Naked" from Basil, the slumbering giant.

However, these early victories masked a basic lack of strategy on our part. While we were rejoicing our early dominance, Basil's Coalition were quietly plotting their own coup, orchestrated by a stealthy email campaign. Within a few short days Basil had managed to steal the term "Sortapundit" from under our very noses. Let that be a lesson to all those who decide to rest on their laurels. You are at your weakest when you think you are strongest.

From there it went downhill quickly. Morale slumped, and Basil's growing Coalition continued to make gains, not only regaining their lost terms, but further fortifying their positions in the rest of the Sacred Seven. It soon became clear that the war was all but lost.

However, our British resolve and stiff-upper-lippedness helped us soldier on long after the war was lost.

Today, however much it hurts, we must accept that we have bean vanquished by a worthy foe. Basil's dedication and alliance-building skills assured him victory from the off. After secret talks in an undisclosed location (it was actually a Denny's just outside Frederick, Maryland) we agreed that hostilities must end to prevent further needless losses.

But there is no shame in defeat. The enemy was simply better prepared. To paraphrase the author of my favourite trashy novel:

Winning may not be everything, but losing isn't nothing.

Basil's Blog
The Alliance of Free Blogs
21st Century Paladin
Assumption of Command
Bobo Blogger
Down for Repairs
Eckernet
GOP and College
GOP and the City
Manic Viking
Mean Ol' Meany
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
NateNichols.Net
Ogre's Politics and Views
Oystersnout
Phin's Blog
Pirate's Cove
Pooklekufr: The Kafir Constitutionalist
Short Family Website Online
The View from the Bunker
Travis Benning
and
Tursiops Times

Honourable and worthy foes, one and all.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 7:49:00 AM

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Before I was born (way, way before - I'm a very youthful chap, you see) there was a lot of fearful talk about the domino effect. It was feared that once one country fell to communism it was only a matter of time before the surrounding countries followed suit - reminiscent, naturally, of a line of dominoes toppling.

I never held much faith in that theory. It always seemed a little simplistic and fanciful to me. However, there seems to be a domino effect of sorts ocurring around the word as we speak, not this time in favour of communism, but in favour of freedom. I'll leave it up to the reader to decide whether this slew of protests for freedom and power have come as a result of the burgeoning democracy in Iraq. All I'm saying is I don't believe in coincidence.

Protests in Taiwan against Chinese rule:

More at Willisms and Publius Pundit;

Tens of thousands march in Bahrain demanding fairer and more representative government:

Photo courtesy of Chan'ad Bahraini

More can be found at Publius Pundit;

Mongolians march, demanding investigations into corruption. Former Prime Minister and current President Nambaryn Enkhbayar is head target;

Hundreds in Belarus call for the resignation of President Lukashenko;

500 protest in former Soviet Republic of Ingushetia - and I get you've never even heard of that one. It's directly west of Chechnya, by the way;

and finally, the overthrow of Kyrgyzstan's President Askar Akayev. Those guys really have to come up with a name that's easier to spell. This is just getting silly.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 6:15:00 AM

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Small Pleasures

This may not sound like much, but it means a lot to me. Let me explain. When I was 18 years old I applied to read Geography at the University of Manchester about 10 miles from my home. At the time I had a habit of neglecting to revise for exams (a strategy that seemed to work for me - but I wouldn't advise it. I'm just astoundingly intelligent, and I usually got away with it. Just kidding). The result of this was that my predicted grades at college (based on past performance in mock exams) weren't that hot, and I was rejected.

I ended up getting my degree from Manchester Metropolitan University - popularly known as 'Mickey Mouse' University. Don't get me wrong, I got a good education there. It's just that the University of Manchester had a very good pedigree, and gaining your degree there gives you a certain amount of pride - something that the average Man Met graduate lacks. It's sort of like the difference between attending Cambridge College and attending Harvard.

Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah. I wrote a post yesterday about the proposed FEC regulations that would outlaw US bloggers from linking to campaign websites, and suggested the alternative that they instead email their posts to bloggers in the UK so we could post them, effectively outsourcing political speech (handily, that was the title of the post). The response from the US was tepid at best. Wizbang's Jay Tea politely declined the offer, preferring instead to allow US bloggers themselves to deal with the problem. Now here's the good part. I emailed Professor Norman Geras, a lecturer in modern political thought (among other subjects) to ask his opinion. And he agreed with my ideas:

I haven't really taken a close interest in the issue,though I suppose I should have; but as far as I can see you're quite right in what you say here.

Where does he lecture?

The Department of Government, University of Manchester.

As I say, it may not sound much, and it will never turn back the clock and get me admitted to MU, but after toiling in the cold cement blocks of MMU for 4 years, dreaming of studying in MU, it feels good to have an MU professor finally say you're right. Well done.

Thanks, Norm.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 7:13:00 PM

Britblog Roundup

Tim Worstall has the 6th Britblog Roundup ready. Don't miss it.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 12:38:00 PM

President Quick?

Now this is interesting:

The Republicans are no longer the party of small, limited government, fiscal sanity, states and individual rights, and the Constitution. In their own way, they have become as bloated, hypocritical, invasive, and spendthrift as much of the worst the Democrats have to offer.

If you think there must be some alternative, I am with you, and I would like to find one. That means we have to create an interest group of moderates and libertarians who become crucial to the balance of power. If we hold the keys to the electability of candidates from the right and the left, then both sides must listen to us.

I've always liked Bill, and he hasn't disappointed today. One of the biggest problems I see in the US political sytem (speaking as an outsider) is that the choices are so limited. A vote for the Republicans is a vote to align yourself with George Bush and everything he holds dear; a vote for the Democrats is a vote for... Hell, I don't know, but they're against everything Bush is for, Durnit.

There is no longer an option to elect the guys who want small government and more personal liberty. These days both the Dems and Repubs want to take your money and sift through your trash. But there are many of us who'd be willing to vote for guys who are willing to fight for our vote.

In a recent diary on DailyKos (that has, of course, been deleted and the ground disinfected wherever my feet stood) I argued that the Democrats must do more to win back the middle. I count myself among those who could be won back, and faced nothing but scorn from the Kossites. The general consensus was that if I could be so easily won over I wasn't worth having in the party. If the Democrats are ever to regain power they must realise that there is a growing centre populated by people such as myself and Bill, people who can be swayed either way given the correct incentive. Same goes for the Republicans (subsituting 'regain' for 'retain').

Will Bill be the guy to galvanise the centre and sway the next elections? I'd vote for him.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 10:27:00 AM

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Lessons in Life No. 1

So I'm at a party last night and I fall in an ornamental pond. Long story, bad garden lighting. Enough said.

Here's the lesson. When you go to a party with a water hazard, make sure you don't have a huge hole in the crotch of your boxer shorts (or jockeys - I ain't judgin'). It can get embarrassing.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 7:00:00 PM

Crazy Blog Money

Want to advertise on Sortapundit, but don't want to pay Blogads prices?

If you run a small business and would like to expand your customer base, or even if you're part of a huge multinational mega corporation and would like to throw some of that crazy blog money I keep hearing about my way, email me here.

Sortapundit receives an average of around 300 visitors a day, most of whom seem to be remarkably intelligent, attractive folk with plenty of cash to throw around. While there is no pricing scheme set in stone I'm sure we can come to an arrangement. As a rule of thumb you're probably looking at about $20 a month for an ad at the top of the sidebar.

# posted by Keith : 2:00:00 PM

Outsourcing Political Speech

This piece is cross-posted at The Command Post.

I've been reading a lot recently about the FEC's attempts to regulate political speech online - specifically ruling that a link to a campaign website constitutes an 'in kind' contribution, opening the blogger up to a number of penalties for exceeding the limit. I agree with many that, at some point in the near future, there will be some sort of constraints placed on what you can and can't say on your blog. The severity of the laws I'll leave to your paranoid imagination.

James Miller writes that 'when an industry faces a new and significant threat to its profits and powers it turns to the government for protection.' Maybe, but when the blogosphere faces a significant threat it uses its own inherent flexibility to find a way around it - or through it.

The question is, what are you gonna do about it (apart from the obvious initial response of blogging angrily about the FEC)? It's 2008. You want to keep Hillary out of the White House because she's running on a platform of mandatory spaying but it's illegal to endorse her competition without wading through a stack of disclaimers the size of Hillary's ego. So why not just bypass the laws? If it's illegal in the US to link to a campaign site, you can make all the contributions you want by outsourcing the job here to the UK. Ask me to post your thoughts. Ask Norm Geras. Ask Samizdata or Tim Worstall. We can write about whatever candidate you support with impunity. What are the FEC gonna do? Extradite us to Gitmo?

John Smith in New York can e-mail me his commentary and I'll blog it. His email doesn't count as a political contribution as it's intended for an audience of one and is password protected. As soon as it lands on my blog, though, it'll become a public communication. But what laws have been broken? All you did was link to this here site. You're not endorsing anyone. No, no, no. Look, here's a picture of your cat - which is, of course, the real reason you blog. Nothin' to see here.

If the FEC wants to delve into regulating the Internet we have the upper hand, because we're all geeks who were here when they launched the mouse. We were around when the main selling point of a computer were that you could make a cool wavy line after writing only 300 lines on code. We'll beat them with computers because we're better at it than they are. We'll just find different ways of promoting out chosen candidates.

Think about it. You don't want the government to get their hands on your hard earned drug money? Send it to the Caymans. You don't want to be fined by the FEC? Blog-by-proxy.

Imagine it - instead of requesting the use of the webspace of individual foreign bloggers, how about a group blog of political posts hosted in the UK but written by a stable of US bloggers, with me receiving posts from the US by email and putting them up online moments later. You're not breaking any US laws. As far as you're concerned you're sending a private email to a foreign friend, and he unaccountably keeps letting them escape into the public domain, darn it.

Now, I'm not quite sure about the legal issues that would arise from outsourcing political speech. It's been several years since I studied law (UK law, and I was no great shakes back then anyway). The closest doctrine I can find that could be used to prosecute a US blogger is 'active personality', a doctrine used to prosecute citizens at home when they commit crimes overseas. There are a couple of problems with that, though. First is the fact that it probably only applies to criminal charges, and a breach of current FEC regulation is usually dealt with in the civil courts - though imprisonment is a possibility. The other problem is that political speech on blogs isn't regulated in the UK, so it could easily be argued that no breach occurred.

Still, wouldn't it be fun to watch the FEC try to prosecute a US citizen as an accessory to a British blogger writing political commentary on British soil using British equipment? The best part? You can blog all about it.

While you're here, don't forget to help save my job.

# posted by Keith : 10:15:00 AM

Friday, March 25, 2005

In the Navy

OK, 5 more minutes and then I'm giving up and going to bed. It's getting light outside and I have to get my beauty sleep in time for a party tonight (trust me, I need it. I'll have bags under my eyes the size of footballs).

I went to a gig last night at a local club, and saw a friend of my brother's. This guy has been in the Navy for about 5 years now, and he's having the time of his life and earning crazy money. He started at the bottom with no qualifications and worked his way up. Now he's working on something very secret several storeys below the streets of London, and he's on an intensive 2 year course in Arabic languages.

Now, as some of you long-termers will know, I applied to the Officer Corps early last year, but didn't follow through for various reasons. Every time I see this guy he goes on at me to finally join, but I'm in two minds. On the one hand I'm a graduate, so I'd go straight in as a 'Rupert' in the Officer Corps. On the other hand, I suspect I'm too much of a layabout to make such a life-altering decision. I have a tendency to coast - a tendency that's landed me with a job I really enjoy but with a laughable salary, not even enough to keep my car roadworthy and keep up with the bills. If I pulled my finger out and joined up I could wave goodbye to all my financial worries and actually do something productive with my life.

What I'd like is some advice from any of you in the forces - preferably Royal Navy but any advice from other branches from whatever country would be welcome. What's the life like? Is it worth committing myself for the rest of my 20's? How did your life changed after you joined the forces?

OK, I'm out. It's bedtime. Night all. Well, morning I suppose. Except for you guys in the US, where it's still night. I'm confused. Leave me alone.

# posted by Keith : 1:17:00 AM

Come The Revolution...

Damn and blast it, with a large punnet of British expletives. A virus managed to slip through my foolproof net of a trial version of Norton Antivirus and 3-year old virus definitions, and it seems to be trying to e-mail copies of itself to random addresses. The fuckwits who make these nasty little things should have chum attached to their balls and be dangled over the side of a boat in shark country.

Anyway, it's 6am and I have to sit here until this damned Bloodhound.w32.EP gets the hell out of my system. Bearing in mind that my technical knowledge of computers stretches as far as On/Off button, and how to write in italics and bold, this could take a while. I've been watching old episodes of Family guy while guzzling gallons of gut-rotting fizzy orange juice, and I'm about to collapse.

While I'm here, though, I may as well direct your attention over to the top of the right sidebar, where my new sponsor, Eight Foot Llama, takes pride of place. If you're looking for a gift you won't find in Toys'R'Us, go and pay a visit.

# posted by Keith : 12:48:00 AM

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Hostilities Resume

In a scene reminiscent of December 26th 1914, hostilities resumed between myself and Basil's Blog and his coalition. As one remarked on Wedneday's truce, "It was a day of peace in war. It is only a pity that it was not decisive peace".

Alas, peace cannot be attained by mere White Trash bonding, and the war must go on.

Gizoogle
The Niggas at DFNCTSC
Paris Hilton's cell phone number
Jamie Lynn Spears naked
Strip clubs in Ohio with Midget Strippers
Free big tit sites
Girls big tit

In other news, Basil has become a blog-daddy to moehawk. moehawk's first few posts are about me, so I'm just gonna go ahead and take credit for everything he ever writes.

# posted by Keith : 11:47:00 AM

Advertising, Penguins and Trouser Theft

I got a strange e-mail this morning from a guy named Jim Doherty. Jim runs a family boardgame business out of Westford, Massachusetts, and he's looking to get some exposure and drum up a little more business.

Now, usually I don't run ads on the site, barring the occasional flirtation with Google Ads. The main reason, of course, is that they pay squat and you have to earn $100 before they'll pay out a penny. Add to this the fact that Blogads won't return my calls, and it all seems too much like hard work.

Still, I took a look at Jim's site, Eight Foot Llama, and let me tell you this is a company I want to be on board with - sorry, that pun was quite unavoidable. See, these aren't just ordinary board games (throw a 6. Oh no. I have to go back 3 spaces. Woe is me). No, these are special. These are the kind of fun and quirky games I grew up with: The Penguin Ultimatum; Monkeys on the Moon and the improbably titled Who Stole Ed's Pants?

I will, of course, be placing Jim's ad prominently on the front page as soon as possible. See, I have friends who come from disfunctional families, full of yelling and slammed doors, asking how the hell my family seem to get along so well. Why aren't there any bitter feuds and hey, why isn't there any crockery being hurled against the walls? I couldn't give you a perfect answer, but at least part of it is down to the fact that we've spent years sitting around a coffee table playing games just like Jim's. Now, I don't want to claim that cardgames breed happy families, but they surely can't hurt, can they?

And now my second point: why isn't there more of this kind of advertising? Why is it that the choice seems to be limited to Google Ads for small sites, Blogads for the big guys? Why can't it be the case that a small business, maybe one that doesn't have the advertising budget to invest in Blogads, can go to a blogger and offer a little cash for an ad? Hell, why can't bloggers take the initiative and approach businesses themselves? Surely they more than anyone know what kind of demographic their site reaches. Surely they are the best placed to judge the type of business that could benefit from advertising on it.

The main thing, the thing that really reaches in and grabs a company like Blogads by the balls and squeezes 'til it cries, is that the bloggers get to keep 100% of the revenues. That I can get on board with.

# posted by Keith : 9:16:00 AM

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Artificial Outrage

Excuse me for being heartless, but am I the only person on earth who just doesn't care what happens with Terri Schiavo?

It's not that I'm unconcerned with the fate of an innocent woman, but hasn't this attention all gotten a little out of hand? Every single blog I've read today - every single one* - had at least one Terri post written in the past 48 hours. You know what else happened in the past 48 hours?

60,546 people died around the world of starvation and it's related illnesses. Think about that. If a woman in Terri Schiavo's situation were to die each and every day it would take over 82 years to equal the starvation death toll of a single day

and

16,000 people died of AIDS - and there were 28,000 new cases.

All this attention for one woman, when many, many worse things are going on around the world. Surely there must be something special about this woman. Hmmm, what could that be? Ah yes - its the dirty little secret nobody wants to acknowledge. Very few of the people kicking up all this fuss actually care about Schiavo. All that matters is that she can be used as a tool to advance whatever cause they happen to be fighting for this week. What I'm seeing around the blogosphere today looks a little too shrill, a little too packed with outrage: and just why that is becomes clear as soon as you read the last line of the post:

"I can't believe those damned Democrats/Republicans are doing this to that poor woman."

*To illustrate my point, here is a list of the blogs I've loaded today, with a link to each Schiavo post:

Wizbangblog
Powerline
Daily Pundit
Protein Wisdom
Dean's World
Oliver Willis

Disclaimer: this isn't to say that there's anything inherently wrong about making the case a partisan issue. I'd just like to point out the moral bankruptcy of the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth. I'd also like to point out that the sites listed above were picked out only because they are my regular reads, for the very good reason that they're damn good writers with whom I share many opinions and beliefs (with the exception of Willis. That guy's just an asshat.)

# posted by Keith : 5:47:00 PM

La Mort a la Resistance

Daily Pundit's David Gillies reports that Iraqi and US forces have stormed a terrorist training camp near Tikrit, killing 84 insurgents.

Now you may say to yourself 'well, it's only 84 of them'. But lets assume that each of these insurgents would have, if allowed, gone on to kill, say, 5 people each - I just picked that number out of the air, but considering the weaponry and training manuals found in the camp I think it's a fairly good guess, if a little on the low side.

So - Iraqi and US forces saved the lives of over 400 people. Add to that the number saved by the 24 insurgents killed on the weekend, we get a total of 545 saved. Oh, and how about the 17 insurgents killed in Mosul. That takes us up to 625 Iraqis saved just in the past couple of day.

And it's not just the soldiers saving Iraqis - the Iraqis are saving themselves.

Now tell me what we're doing is a bad thing.

Meanwhile, in anti-war protests across the world:

It makes you feel all warm inside, don't it?

# posted by Keith : 4:23:00 PM

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

White Trash Wednesday: UK Remix

I got a cousin called Keegan livin' in America. He's livin' in one of them trailer park things - kinda like Butlin's, but without the Redcoats. He called me the other day to tell me about this thing called White Trash Wednesdays, where loads o' trailer park fellas go mad for it on the Internet every week. I wasn't gonna bother joinin' in, but it isn't Giro day 'til Thursday and I've run out o' wife beater and fags. I'd spend all day lookin' at porn in the computer, but it's never been the same since I saw me Aunt Vi doin' DVDA on 50 an' over dot co dot UK.

So. I don't know what I should say, really. I'm not that interestin'. I'm called Kev. I was born in Salford in Manchester. My dad died just before I was born, but he must really have loved my mam cause he still sends a bit of money every month. Mam says he was in the TV industry, but our cousin Daz told me the closest he got to TV's was when he got nicked trying to rob the Manchester branch of Dixons.

I've got 5 brothers and 3 sisters: Declan, Kev, Keegan, Kev, Jodie, Sandra, and Beckham. We all got different dads, but it works out okay. They're all in the same wing at Strangeways, so it's easy to visit them all at the same time. The guards think I'm fat, but that's just cause every time they see me I've got about a thousand Marlboros jammed down my top. Keegan's dad has to give his mate Bruiser 500 fags a week or he'll lose his ass virginity.

Well, I'm gonna go now. Trisha just came on and our cousin Donna's on today. She's gonna tell her brother Kev that he's the father of her child. It's gonna well kick off.

Laters.

White Trach Wednesday Patrons:

Basil's Blog
Boboblogger
Cry Freedom
Dangerous Logic
Hector Vex's Infotainment
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Six Meat Buffet
My Pet Jawa
Toner Mishap

# posted by Keith : 6:38:00 PM

Gratuitous Plug

I won a caption contest over at Publius Pundit by shooting the first thing that came to me out of my ass. Turns out my ass is hilarious, because I won a free Blogad for a week over there.

Which is nice, ya know, because Publius' Robert Mayer has had, in addition to his regular healthy traffic, at least two Instalanches in the past few days - most recently for reporting that the government of Estonia has collapsed.

That's the little one stuck to the top of Latvia.

Their major exports are machinery and equipment, textiles, chemicals and foodstuffs.

It's capital is Tallinn.

Just FYI.

Oh, the joys of a degree in Geography.

# posted by Keith : 6:15:00 PM

Sunday, March 20, 2005

At Least I'm Not French

Well, it's true. I'm not F*****g American, as Basil's Blog correctly points out. In fact, according to the test (courtesy of Pirate's Cove) I'm a Canadian-Baiting Uber-American. OK, so the quiz wasn't really designed for people who aren't at least a little American. I suppose that Canadian Baiter is better than Un-American Commie Pinko.

Meanwhile, I've been following crafty angles in my war against Basil's Blog and his evil Coalition. For instance, I bet 10 whole English pounds on a game of football today, and almost doubled my money. I later bet my winnings on another game and won again. I sent the money back to my bank, with a healthy 170% profit. See, while Basil's horde are content to fruitlessly juggle Google rankings, I sit back, drink beer, watch Animal House, eat a few of those microwaveable Chicago Town pizzas, and bet money on professional sports (which is perfectly legal here - how's that for freedom?).

I've lost the train of thought that led to me winning this war, but it'll come back to me. I'm too full of pizza and beer to think right now.

But - before I go.

The Niggas at DFNCTSC have Paris Hilton's cell phone number while Jamie Lynn Spears naked dances in strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers, which were the springboards for the careers of many of the young ladies you can see baring all in many free big tit sites - those magazines that have girls big tit in them.

Oh, and Gizoogle.

# posted by Keith : 6:05:00 PM

Adventures in Central Park

First Protester: I'm cold. There's a Starbucks down the street.

Second Protester: I won't leave until Chimpy McBushitler admits the war in Iraq was immoral and wrong.

First Protester: Wait. Aren't we protesting war in Iran today?

Second Protester:

First Protester: Or did I bring the wrong banner?

Second Protester:

First Protester:

Second Protester: Just shut up and get me a latte.*

*Concept shamelessly pilfered from Jeff Goldstein

# posted by Keith : 4:31:00 PM

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Money? Meet Mouth.

Via Wizbang:

This is a photo taken at a protest today in the US. Now, call me simple, but shouldn't the CND be in favour of taking down the Iranian leadership? This is a government, remember, that received 12 nuclear-capable cruise missiles from the Ukraine in 2001. Not just cruise missiles, but missiles specifically designed to carry nuclear warheads. Now, are these the kind of guys the CND actually wants in power? Or is it maybe the case that the person who produced that placard is an idiot of the highest order?

Now, far be it from me to shoot my mouth off and then hide behind the Internet. I'm serious about nuclear weapons - and if anybody in earth can be trusted with them I'd rank the leadership of Iran considerably lower than my cat. With this in mind, I've applied for an internship at the CND. There's a regional office on Beswick Street in Manchester, about 10 miles from my home. They're looking for interns who meet the following requirements:

Degree/Interest in international relations/politics/defence/finance/IT/law/business studies/marketing

I have a degree in geography. I have an interest in international relations, politics, defence and IT. I also have higher qualifications in law and business studies.

Good analytical skills

My analytical skills are honed to the extent that I can deduce that the majority, or at least the visible majority, of supporters of the CND are, to put it in the least offensive way, unwashed buffoons.

A good overview of international relations, peace and security issues

My experience of international relations, peace and security issues lead me to believe that to allow Iran access to nuclear arms is tantamount to allowing a monkey access to a grenade.

Good writing skills

I don't want to brag, but I write a mean memo.

A positive problem solving approach

Problem: Iran developing nuclear arms. Solution: Prevent Iran from developing nuclear arms.

Good interpersonal skills

I haven't killed you yet, have I?

Good team working skills

I haven't killed the team, either.

Good IT skills

Enough to turn on the box thing and write words on the letters doohickey.

A sympathetic understanding of aims and objectives of CND

Sure, I symapathise and understand that you want a world without nuclear weapons. I just don't think a campaign of vigorously not showering is the way to go about it, is all.

See, I'm a perfect candidate. I'll enter the organisation at the bottom and turn it around. In a few decades we'll have a nuclear-free world. Of course, by that time we'll all be cowering under the enormous space-based super laser: the Killotron.

And they still won't shower.

Terms and conditions

Internships are unsalaried positions. Agreed travel expenses will be met, together with lunch expenses. Preferred length of internship at least 6 months, but shorter periods working full-time also acceptable. Hours: 1-2 days (or 8-16 hours) per week, or more.

How to apply

CND are in need of interns throughout the year. Please submit by e-mail to the address below the following applications material:

A cover letter, describing the reasons for your interest in working at CND, when you are available to begin, and how many days a week you wish to work;

Contact details for two referees

Your Curriculum Vitae to date;

A brief writing sample, where relevant, no more than one page

Please e-mail your application materials to: lhugl1@btinternet.com

I emailed the following to the above address:

Hi.

I would like to apply for a position as an intern at the CND. I would prefer to be based in the Manchester office, and can make myself available 2 days a week, Monday and Thursday.

Referees:

Kevin Aylward - kevin@wizbangblog.com

President George W Bush - president@whitehouse.gov

Prime Minister Tony Blair - http://www.number-10.gov.uk/output/Page821.asp

Samples of my writing can be found at http://www.sortapundit.com.

In all seriousness, if they were to offer me a position I'd take it. There are few matter more serious than nuclear arms. As a member of their organisation I'd do my best to steer their strategies away from idiotic placards and towards more effective methods, namely killing people who try to use nuclear weapons.

# posted by Keith : 6:03:00 PM

Stung by the Police

In an effort to avoid becoming 'all blog war, all the time' lets talk about something else. Hmmm...

I got stopped by the police yesterday. I was sitting in my car taking a break from reading meters when they pulled up beside me. It was a typical English encounter with the police.

'Is there a problem, officer?'

'Afternoon, sir. Are you calling on houses?'

'Yep.'

'And for what reason, sir?'

'I'm reading electric meters. Do you want to see my ID?'

'If you wouldn't mind, sir. Just to eliminate you from our inquiries.'

They're the most polite, and yet most suspicious, police force in the world. The guy's partner studied my ID like a hawk before they handed it back to me and drove away. I called a friend of mine and was laughing with him about it when the police car turned around at the end of the street. They sat there for five minutes staring at me while I was on the phone.

Turns out there are some dodgy characters working in the area. A couple of weeks ago a group of men in a van arrived at the house of an old lady and told here they'd come from a local carpet firm. She'd won free carpets for the entire house, but they needed to come in a measure every room. There's also a young woman getting into houses by pretending to be a meals on wheels service.

I'm so glad I live on a nice street.

# posted by Keith : 5:24:00 AM

Friday, March 18, 2005

2nd Blogiversary!

Tomorrow marks the two-year anniversary of the Iraq war. It also marks my second blogiversary.

I don't remember the actual date I started blogging, and the evidence has now been lost in the ether, but I remember sitting in front of the computer on March 19th 2003 (it was actually in the wee small hours of March 20th here in the UK) watching the first bombs drop, and that was when I decided to start the blog. A move from Lycos to Blogger, a name change and an unplanned six month hiatus later and I'm going stronger than ever. I've set tomorrow as the date because, well, I can.

What makes it so special, though, is that when I started the site it was intended as a protest to the war. As I was watching the bombs drop on Baghdad I was angrier than I've ever been while sitting in pyjamas watching TV. I was near as damn it a Kossite. A disciple of Willis. Ech. I just got a shiver down my spine. 6 months in I started to have my doubts. 2 years in and I realised, as Glenn describes it, the 'moral and intellectual bankruptcy of the "peace" movement', and now try to distance myself as much as possible from those crazy hippies who'll be taking to the streets tomorrow to proclaim, once again, that they hate democracy.

So:

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday, Sortapundit
Happy Birthday to me

# posted by Keith : 5:55:00 PM

Battle Continues

The war continues between myself and Basil. New development? Basil himself has begun to announce his own defeats. And another one.

Meanwhile Imperial Secretary of War, IMAO's Frank J., approved the war.

The Sacred Seven

Google searches

Paris Hilton's Cell Phone Number
27th

The Niggas at DFNCTSC
123rd

Strip Clubs in Ohio with Midget Strippers
1st

MSN searches

Girls Big Tit
7th

Free Big Tit Sites
28th - 1st with quotes

Jamie Lynn Spears Naked
2nd

The action is hotting up. Basil has collected a group of like-minded bloggers to assist in his survival. Looks like I need to gather myself a posse. Hhmmmm, who to recruit? First, to dispel any ideas that my team may be an axis of Brits, I've recruited that most 'merican of 'mericans, Prof. Rusty Shackleford - not only one of the great 'mericans, but also a strong proponent of a better, more naked Jessica Alba.

And so, Rusty becomes the first - well, second including me - member of the League of Sortapundit. Who will step up next. Will it be you? Or you? Or.... You?

Now, who will press my reset button? Will it be you? Or you? Or.... You?

# posted by Keith : 3:11:00 PM

Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Reply

Basil continues to goad me with his higher Google rankings, but it seems his bravado is masking a deep and clinging fear - fear caused by the sound of yours truly scrambling up the ladder beneath him. I'm up to 31st place for Paris Hilton's cell phone number, a pathetic 128th for The Niggas at DFNCTSC... but 1st for strip clubs in ohio with midget strippers!

You heard that right. During the opening skirmish I've brushed Basil from the spot he once occupied. Now I'll be the one causing much disappointment among Ohioans.

Basil also offers an ultimatum:

Accept that we can work together to advance the understanding of all mankind (or at least provide a few minutes of diversion to those surfing the Net).

Accept that when people want to search Google and Yahoo! using the phrases:

Gizoogle

Paris Hilton's cell phone number

The Niggas at DFNCTSC

Strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers

Girls big tit

Free big tit sites

Jamie Lynn Spears naked

And go to a site that features none of these, they will come here.

Accept that, while you are a loyal subject of the Queen, writing like an American is a good thing and is to be embraced if it comes naturally. Don't make me go to Massachusetts or California to find a judge to set loose on you.

This need not get ugly. But, I've got a whole sackful of ugly to unleash if necessary. Sortapundit, I expect your answer before the end of the week.

Or face the consequences.

Oh, very brave, very brave. It's a pity you weren't so forthcoming in 1939. My answer is this:

You can take you hogeys, your foot longs, your grinders and subs. You can take your McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Wendys. You can take Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez, roll them up and smoke them, by Jiminy Joseph.

Give me The Beatles. Give me scones and clotted cream. Give me football in the park on a Sunday afternoon, scraped knees and jumpers for goalposts. Give me Monty Python, a cold pint on a summer's day and the Sunday Times.

No, you can take your truce and keep it. Prepare to face the wrath of the nation that drove back the Germans, not once but twice; colonised the world and then settled into retirement. You want to talk about a slumbering giant? You have no idea....

Prepare to die.

# posted by Keith : 2:27:00 PM

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

What is it Good For? Absolutely Nothin'... Say it Again

# posted by Keith : 3:52:00 PM

Monday, March 14, 2005

This Means War

In response to Basil's acceptance of our little blog war:

I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our island home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of Basil, if necessary for years, if necessary alone.

At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of His Majesty's Government - every man of them. That is the will of Parliament and the nation.

The British Empire and the Sortapundit Republic, linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength.

Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Basil and all the odious apparatus of Basil rule, we shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.*

*Thanks to Mr Churchill

Oh, and before I forget:

Gizoogle

Paris Hilton's cell phone number

The Niggas at DFNCTSC

Strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers

Girls big tit

Free big tit sites Jamie Lynn Spears naked

# posted by Keith : 6:10:00 PM

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Supervolcano

I'm watching the first in a two-part drama entitled Supervolcano on the BBC, a fictional account of a supervolcano erupting under Yellowstone Park. Coming from a background, however flimsy, in vulcanology I'm eager to see if they did it well. More thoughts to come.

Update

The first episode just ended. Initial thoughts? It's OK. Too dumbed down, but perfect for anyone who doesn't have a basic knowledge of volcanoes. Entertaining and fairly well-acted (with the occasional melodramatic staring into the camera and whispering through clenched teeth 'it's started!')

Now here's what I love about the Beeb. Following the programme is a documentary on BBC2 about the science behind supervolcanoes and the likelihood of Yellowstone actually erupting.

'Nother Update

I wish we'd had documentaries like this when I was at university. We had old men covered in tweed and a few models of volcanoes constructed entirely from cardboard and Ragu. This one has more CGI than Jurassic Park.

Update

Aw, crap. I went to the pub and forgot to record the second part. And it isn't being repeated anytime soon. Shit.

# posted by Keith : 4:08:00 PM

Triumphalism Proves Fragile

I've been reading a lot in the past few days about this new CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll. Seems a lot of people are taking the news that 56% of people are not at all familiar with blogs very badly. To which I reply, huh?

Here's something to think about. Star Wars was shot on a budget of less than $10 million dollars and had a starring cast of, well, nobodies. It opened on less than 50 screens. Today we know it as the birth of a $4.5 billion powerhouse. Ask a guy on May 26th, 1977 if he'd seen it you could bet the answer would be 'no'. Ask the same question today, a negative answer would have you backing away slowly.

Here's another one. The New York Times printed its first edition in 1882. By 1896 it had a circulation of 9,000. Circulation in 2003? 1,132,000.

Look, it takes time for phenomena to develop. Things don't just explode overnight.

Quite apart from that, while blog readership continues to grow, newspaper readership declines steadily. As if that wasn't enough, as Joe Gandelman points out, numbers aren't important. Demographics are.

In conclusion: settle down, kids.

# posted by Keith : 3:33:00 PM

Look at Those Legs...

Just a few hours after deciding to embrace my Englishness, I settled down to watch Crufts 2005 - possibly the only place in the world you can see the mustachioed upper classes describing everything as a 'wonderful bitch'.

English TV is cool.

Dreadlocked dogs are not.

# posted by Keith : 3:00:00 PM

Blog Wars

Okay, I've had just about enough of Basil's carping on about odd Google searches finding Basil's Blog. I've been without my favourite stat tracker for a good few months now, and as such have been limited to the fairly basic (yet always welcome) Sitemeter and Statcounter - and I'm not taking it so well.

So I'm going to beat him at his own game. I'm giving myself a month (or two, or perhaps even three - leave me alone, I'm lazy) to overtake him on the rankings for a few carefully selected terms Basil mentions. If anyone would like to assist in my utter destruction of Basil, simply link the following words to www.sortapundit.com at your blog. If you don't have a blog - well, you can't really help, can you? Make posters with macaroni and glitter. Those are always nice.

Gizoogle

Paris Hilton's cell phone number

The Niggas at DFNCTSC

Strip clubs in Ohio with midget strippers

Girls big tit

Free big tit sites

Jamie Lynn Spears naked

A word of warning to Basil, if he's thinking of some sort of retaliatory strike. I'm in 8th place for Video Execution and 1st place for Evil Laugh Soundbite. As is plain, despite my foppish middle class charmingly befuddled upbringing, I will end you.

End you.

# posted by Keith : 2:05:00 PM

Tally Ho!

It occurred to me a few weeks ago that, despite being as English as Hugh Grant's floppy hair, I write in an American accent. It's probably a subconscious bow to the fact that the majority of my readers are Americans.

Still, screw 'em. The free ride's over, kids. I'm writing in English from now on, and if you can't understand any of my Britishisms you'll just have to jolly well get used to it (or, at a pinch, consult this genius English-American Dictionary - God bless the Internet).

Damn. Some blighter needs to use the bloody computer. Back in a jiff.

Update

My brother correctly, if pedantically, points out that you don't write in an accent, but a dialect. Point taken, considered, ignored.

# posted by Keith : 8:16:00 AM

Friday, March 11, 2005

Bleh

I've been puking all day and I'm not in a good mood. I got a call from my boss this morning complaining that my performance needs work. I'd been praying to the porcelain god all morning, but today wasn't a day to stay in bed.

So, I got in the car and drove over to Glossop a few miles away. About 5 minutes after I stepped out of the car I brought up a stomachful of Volvic mineral water on someone's doorstep. You can believe it comes from volcanic streams when you see it erupt from your mouth. Sorry. That's disgusting.

Anyway, I pushed on for an hour or so and then started with the whole dry heaving bit, and have spent the rest of the day reading a second rate Greg Bear novel and watching Neighbours on BBC. Paul Robinson's back! It's like I'm 12 again. Non-Neighbours fans can disregard that.

Anyway, I've got a carton of orange juice on the way, so check Hotmail and then back to bed. Later.

# posted by Keith : 1:56:00 PM

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Rock and Roll

Something happens when you get a little older in this day and age. You worry - panic, really - that you're not rock and roll anymore. You find that wild nights out have been replaced by the occasional pub quiz or watching films at the house of a friend with a pizza. On the odd occasion when you do go to a club you end up standing in a dark, dingy corner with a bottle of warm beer wondering what everyone else is drinking that makes them enjoy themselves. You wait hours for your younger friends to stop dancing, and then trudge out to the street to hail a cab.

Putting on socks has become a three-step operation. You make noises when you get up from a chair.

You get nose hair.

But not this weekend.

We were rock and roll.

Rock.

And.

Roll.

But... the rock and roll soon runs out. See, parking in the hotel car park cost 10 quid a day and, skinflint that I am, I parked on a meter down the street. I had to move the car Monday morning before 8am, so after about 10 pints and around 4 hours sleep I ended up driving through endless one-way systems in the narrow streets of York, probably unfit to drive. Total cost for the night's parking? About 11 quid. Bugger. After that we had another night even crazier than the first, and slumped into bed a few hours before we had to check out. This morning was - there are no better words for it - bad. We sat in a cafe drinking hot chocolate and cappuccino, nursing our heads before the long drive home - via Huddersfield to drop one of our number home. We'd all drunk about 3 gallons of lager over 30 hours, so the ride home was somber to say the least.

I got home around lunchtime and collapsed into bed. Around 7:30pm I got a call from my brother - he'd missed his bus after work and needed a ride to the pub to watch Manchester United in the Champions League. I stopped with him to watch the game and was almost killed by a single pint of lager. I think I've become allergic.

And here's the moral of the tale. Rock and roll is finite.

Time for bed. Just give me a few minutes to take off my socks.

# posted by Keith : 5:23:00 PM

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Oliver Willis Must Resign

Brit Hume Must Resign

Brit Hume is the anchor of Fox News Channel's prime time news report, Special Report with Brit Hume, and he makes things up. On February 3rd, Hume intentionally manipulated the words of the 32nd president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, to make it appear as if FDR supported privatization of social security. This is a brazen falsehood. President Roosevelt's grandson, James Roosevelt Jr., describes Hume's journalistic malfeasance as an "an outrageous distortion". We agree.

As Willis' ill advised vigil passes the 3 week mark, we reach the point at which we must ask ourselves 'could this guy be any more annoying?' Some on the right have been strong-willed enough to ignore the yammerings of this intellectual midget, this pauper among men. Unfortunately I can't count myself among them. No matter how hard I try to ignore him, I find myself coming to in front of my PC, Willis' smug face and non-sensical tagline loading before my eyes. How did I get there? Just a moment ago I was reading Wizbang, Powerline or any number of blogs that, you know, make sense. Now I find myself hit full in the face with this shrill abrasive voice of the left - the very voice that pushes me ever rightwards. In the words of INDC's Bill - "Never have so many been annoyed by the stupidity of so few. One, actually."

And so, the time has come to demand that Oliver Willis cease and desist - if only to protect the two-party system. With spokesmen such as Willis, even the best Democratic politician finds it hard to get elected. We don't want to win too easily.

Since Willis sets a lot of stock in petitions he really has no choice but to accede to our demands. Unless he's, ya know, a hypocrite. I started us off by asking a few prominent bloggers for their John Hancock, and hopefully more will join in time.

We, the undersigned, demand that Oliver Willis remove his site from the Internets and promise never to take part, or even venture an opinion, in organised politics at any point in the future.

The petition thus far:

Sortapundit
Wizbangblog
Rusty Shackleford
You Know I'm Right
INDCJournal
The Political Teen
Blogs Of War
Beautiful Atrocities
Young Pundit
American Digest
Hundred Percenter
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
In The Bullpen
Confederate Yankee
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Techography
Six Meat Buffet
Ten Fingers 6 Strings
Another Rovian Conspiracy
James Hudnall
Iowahawk
Damnum Absque Injuria
Small Dead Animals
Konservative Jay
Precinct 333
Hot Needle of Inquiry
Conservative Friends
The Daily Recycler
Balance Sheet
Peace For Our Time
Cranial Cavity
Eclipse Ramblings
Steel Deal

Now, you may ~~scoff at the paucity of the petition~~ gaze in awe at the vast number of bloggers listed. Keep in mind that these names bring with them their readers (not many people know this, but bloggers are the legal guardians of every one of their readers. We actually own you. It was in the small print when you bought your PC). And so, this ~~paltry~~ petition suddenly becomes a powerhouse, carrying with it the voices of ~~33,500~~ ~~38,200~~ ~~40,200~~ ~~42,400~~ ~~46,900~~ ~~53,000~~ 54,000 daily readers, each screaming for the chubby head of Willis. But we need more. I need you guys to keep signing up. Leave a comment or send me an email. Blog about it. Get your friends to join. ~~Sign over power of attorney to me~~. Scratch that last one. That's part of my next evil scheme.

Testimonials

Wizbang's Paul:

"If Oliver resigns, will I still be a racist?"

Wizbang's Jay Tea (who declined to sign the petition, citing the following reason):

"My mother once said that "everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to be a bad example." "

Anonymous Llama Butcher:

"Resign from what? His day job at the piggly-wiggly on route 11 in Gaithersburg? As the George Soros of the international Little Debbie snack cake futures traders? "

Rusty Shackleford:

"I don't believe beached whales ought to be rescued."

INDC's Bill:

"Never have so many been annoyed by the stupidity of so few. One, actually."

Beautiful Atrocities' Jeff:

"Oliver, please come home. Since this madness started with Brit Effing Hume, you've spent NO quality time with me. And NO, a quick mercy fuck doesn't count! Let's go to Home Depot together, just like old times, & then watch Friends."

Gerard Van der Leun (with insider trading in mind):

I figure that if I have advanced notice that Oliver Willis will resign I will be able to increase my stock portfolio with McDonalds and clean up. I'm going bullish on cattle futures as well.

In The Bullpen's Chad:

I'd love to see the guy actually form a coherent thought without contradicting his previous post, but I'd also like to have my pick between the 2004 Playboy Bunnies.

James Hudnall:

Willis is obviously trying to act like a real blogger and get rid of a TV anchor. Unfortunately for his case, the best he can come up with is Brit Hume slighting socialism. Someone needs to explain to him that Ponzi schemes aren't worth defending.

Iowahawk:

"Oliver Willis? Is he that one guy from Green Acres?"

If you would like to sign the petition please leave your name and URL (or just name if you don't have a site) in the comments and it will be added.

Update (11:35am)

You Know I'm Right is in.

'Nother Update (3:05pm)

INDC's Bill has joined the fight.

'Nother Update (11:05pm)

The Political Teen has joined up. In your face, indifferent teens.

'Nother Update (11:15pm)

Blogs of War has joined, hot on Teen's heels.

'Nother Update (11:50pm)

Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities has given the nod.

Yet 'Nother Update (8:35am)

The blogosphere worked while I slept. New recruits are:-

Young Pundit
American Digest
Hundred Percenter
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
In The Bullpen

'Nother Update (5:00pm)

In response to a few emails I thought I'd clear up a few points:-

No, this petition won't actually make Willis stop writing. Not only that, but I'd think a lot less of the guy if he did. Despite the fact that Oliver's opinions are ~~often~~ always annoying and most of the time just plain wrong, you have to give it to the guy that he's an entertaining writer. Hell, if he wasn't then he wouldn't get all the attention we on the right lavish on him. And, as they say, all publicity is good publicity.

Yes, this petition is just a little harmless silliness. It does, though, make a serious point. It highlights the folly of Oliver's current campaign against Brit Hume. I'm not going to go into whether Hume deserves the pressure, but I would like to say that a petition isn't the right way to go. If you want to know an effective way to attack the media, read Gerard Van der Leun's piece about the power of the advertisers at American Digest, I Repeat, "No More Letters to the Editor!"

That's why - if I was serious about hurting Willis - I'd be talking to Cable-Safe. I'd be calling Stephanie Tyler and Paul Mason, respectively the executive and technical producers of Springer On The Radio. I'd be emailing Chuck Pennacchio and asking him why he aligns himself with Willis. These are his advertisers, and these are his paymasters.

Despite all this, I'd like as many sites as possible to keep joining this petition. Fun is still fun, no? Besides, that graphic Ian Schwartz designed is cool.

Yet 'Nother Update (5:45pm)

Confederate Yankee is on board.

Update No. Gazillion (6:45pm)

MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and Techography join. And now it's time to start drinking. Happy Friday, kids.

Update No. Gazillion and One (11:30pm)

While I watch The Incredibles on ~~pirate~~ legally purchased DVD, Six Meat Buffet and Ten Fingers 6 Strings join.

Uh, Gazillion and Two (1:40pm)

New joinees (is that even a word?) overnight are Another Rovian Conspiracy, James Hudnall, the inestimable Iowahawk and Damnum Absque Injuria.

Gazillion and Three (4:15pm)

Kate of Small Dead Animals is on board.

God, More Updates (1:00am)

Konservative Jay joins up.

More and More, Jahweh (10:130am)

Precinct 333 and Hot Needle of Inquiry have joined.

Another Update, Jeebus (10:00pm)

While I was on my travels, the following sites signed up:

Conservative Friends
The Daily Recycler
Balance Sheet
Peace For Our Time
Cranial Cavity
Eclipse Ramblings
Steel Deal

FINAL UPDATE (11th March)

And so, in just 11 days this petition has built up as much steam as, say, a really big kettle. You know the type I mean? Those really big ones. Jesus, you could make, like, 10 or 12 cups of coffee with one of those. Just imagine that.

And so, now we've garnered 33 blogs - amounting to over 50,000 readers - to our little campaign, I'm gonna call it a day. I don't know what I'll do next. Maybe I'll have some coffee. OR - hey, maybe a hot chocolate with spray cream and chocolate shavings with a little Time Out bar on the saucer for dippin'. And some tiny marshmallows. I could really go for one of those right now.

Meanwhile, Oliver is forced to keep going. No coffee for him. Oh no. Not even a hot chocolate. None for you Oliver, cause you're into day 30 of your moribund campaign - watching your 'reputation' dwindle with each passing day.

Now, where's that chocolate?

*Thanks to Ian at the Political Teen for the image.

# posted by Keith : 12:41:00 PM

Saturday, March 05, 2005

An Ill-Deserved Break

I'm heading up to York in the morning with some friends. Nice hotel, lots of drinking and meeting up with some old buddies. It looks like it should be a good few days, but it means output will be low until Tuesday morning. Hey, what else is new?

I should be around a little to add new recruits to the Willis petition and pick up any emails. They finally got electricity in York last summer, and the first shipment of computers arrived in early January. Sure, they're Amstrad CPC 464s, but with a little TLC they should be capable of logging on to the Internets - or, failing that, running Leisuresuit Larry.

Anyway, enjoy the rest of your weekend. I'll be around until mid morning, and then you'll have to amuse yourself.

# posted by Keith : 8:04:00 PM

Kos Readers Attack Sortapundit, Each Other

I wrote today, against the counsel of my better angels, a diary at Daily Kos. Despite the common belief that they're all crazed loons over there I've always held out hope that I could talk to them reasonably, as men do.

See, my background is left wing. I'm born and raised democrat. I've always supported such mainstays of the left as universal health care and social security. Here in the UK these things are taken for granted. Not perfect, but they've been here for years and we don't expect them to go anytime soon.

But in the past few years I've found myself drifting ever more right. I've become ashamed of the impotence of the left, and even more ashamed of its outspoken representatives (think Michael Moore). And so, I thought I'd write a post in response to the call to attack Alan Greenspan and his family. That was my first mistake.

Almost immediately after I'd hit 'submit', the angry comments began to flood in. I was, of course, dismissed as a troll, a faux Democrat looking for a fight. The first serious commenter called me a 'hate-filled right-winger through and through' - and 101 other insults followed. I know, I know, I was setting myself up for abuse. Still, I took from it a few positives. There were a few, mostly drowned out by the taunts and abuse, who attempted reason. I applaud these few. It must be difficult to keep up commenting sensible thoughts on such a bizarre echo chamber.

It turned funny, though, when they turned their bile against each other in a crazy fight about how all the Nader voters in the group cost Gore the election in 2000. Really, guys, that's the kind of petty shit that pushed me away from the left. Hilarious, but tragic.

Looks like I'll be sticking with you guys on the right for a good while yet.

Update

Of course, the diary was soon deleted. Open debate between the left and right is crushed with an iron fist at DKos - which is as it should be, comrade!

But what I find funniest is what jbou left in the comments of another post here - I hope you're happy with your new friends, especially when you tell them how much you like universal healthcare and other more liberal programs and ideas.

Jbou, Jbou, Jbou - dear oh dear. These more liberal programs and ideas that I subscribe to are - get this - IN THE FUCKING FAQ! That's where you read them, you retarded little monkey! And this genius thinks I'll lose all my readers when they discover I support universal health care.

Lets test the theory. I like universal healthcare. I like the fact that when my brother recently got malaria, gastroenteritis and helicobacter pylori he went to the local hospital and was taken to a bed, not asked how he'll be paying. I like the fact that when I broke my arm the doctor didn't demand I attach a pen to the protruding bone and demand I fill out an insurance form. My best friend has been troubled by a stabbing pain in his leg these past few days. I like the fact that he can go get it checked out tomorrow. He doesn't have to save up until he can afford it.

You still here, readers?

# posted by Keith : 7:11:00 PM

The Gloves Come Off

So the denizens of DailyKos are calling for a smear campaign against Alan Greenspan (h/t Ankle Biting Pundits)

As you've probably noticed, there have been several Alan Greenspan-related posts on the main page in just the past day or so. In one of those threads, blogswarmer Bob Brigham suggested that we "unleash the blogosphere" on Greenspan. It's a brilliant idea - no one is more worthy of having a halo-ectomy than St. Alan - so let's have at it.

If you're interested in joining this research project, here's my thinking on how it should proceed. (And feel free to chime in with suggestions on the process as well.) We should hunt down anything Greenspan has ever written, said or done that reflects poorly on him. This would include erroneous predictions, older statements which contradict things he's said recently, and anything that's just plain wrong, venal or stupid. The only rules are that it has to be true (of course) and sourced (preferably with a link, but if you're using Lexis, that's cool too - just tell us where it's from).

And for those of you who want to really get down & dirty in the trenches, we can turn this into a one-degree-of-separation venture. That is, if you can find similar material for anyone who is closely linked to Greenspan, that's fair game, too. Good examples would be Greenie's idol, the nutbag "objectivist" Ayn Rand, and Andrea Mitchell, his NBC reporter wife. (An aside: We can debate the merits of this approach all you like, but suffice it to say, there is no question that Republicans do the same crap to us all the time. If you still want to play by the Marquess of Queensberry rules, fine - but I've moved on to brass knuckles.)

First, lets not worry too much about this. The left wing have proved woefully deficient when it comes to campaigns. While Oliver's Brit Hume campaign stutters and stumbles to an embarassing halt, the mighty Talon News reels from the loss of Jeff Gannon.

We already know that the brass knuckles of the Left are cushioned, but that isn't the point, is it? No, the point is that DavidNYC proposes, quite openly on a site that attracts what? 360,000 readers a day, that the Left go after Greenspan's family - specifically, his wife. Why? Why are they so desperate for a scalp that they would prey on an innocent man, a man who served under both Republican and Democratic Presidents? Why would they declare open season on his family and friends?

We should repay the favour. We should have a little smear campaign of our own - not targeting a random figure on the Left, but the diarists of Daily Kos itself. Lets dig up the dirt. These people all have a heavy presence on the Internet. In just five minutes Googling I discovered that DavidNYC - despite his clear efforts to protect his identity - is a native on New York (duh), relocated to DC and has a bizarre, slightly worrying obsession with Disney. Those are just the harmless facts - lets find the damaging ones. Lets find out what dirty magazines this guy subscribes to. Lets see if he has a criminal record. Lets pull on our own brass knuckles - the ones that knocked out Dan Rather and Eason Jordan. You wanna see a smear campaign, David? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Others talking - Protein Wisdom, Wizbangblog

# posted by Keith : 9:25:00 AM

Friday, March 04, 2005

Even Technology Thinks He's Stoopid

Click for larger image

I took this screenshot earlier today from Oliverwillis.com. The error message at the top reads 'warning: Invalid argument supplied'.

Never a truer word spoken.

# posted by Keith : 12:49:00 PM

Thursday, March 03, 2005

In Your Face, Pedro Lopez

Today I was in the house of modern history's most prolific serial killer.

And people say I have a boring job.

# posted by Keith : 3:02:00 PM

Monday, February 28, 2005

Sortapundit Caption Contest

Long overdue, it's time to announce the winner of the Sortapundit Caption Contest. Despite the low turnout it was a tough choice, but...

Gold Medal

McGehee - "Your Jedi mind tricks do not work on me. I will keep Solo in carbonite to decorate my mother's basement."

Silver Medal

Jay Tea - "You'd be smug, too, if you could see below the frame. I'm not wearing pants..."

Bronze Medal

Jay Tea - "You're using me for a caption contest? RACIST!"

Pushed From A Speeding Train With His Tongue Tied To His Balls Medal

Content Free - You don't have the readership of hermaprhodite porn written in ancient Coptic.

# posted by Keith : 5:06:00 PM

Damn

When I was about 5 years old I ran into a wall and broke my arm. A few years later I wedged my head into the sharp edge of a piece of sheet metal. Around the same time I almost scalped myself on a towel hook while running naked around the kitchen (there's still a 2 inch scar right here, can ya see it?). When I was in secondary school I broke a thumb in a fight by having it bent back until it came within a knat's dick away from touching my wrist. The next day I did it again - with the other thumb.

All these things I took stoically, with not more than a whimper (OK, maybe I screamed just a little when I broke my arm. Hey, I was 5. Lay off.)

So why when 5 minutes ago I got a paper cut on my left hand did I faint embarrassingly into a bag full of empty bottles?

# posted by Keith : 4:35:00 PM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Damned Fake British Bloggers

Tim Worstall has a roundup of so-called British bloggers (via Instapundit). I renounce these liars and charlatans. I am the only true British Blogger. It's true. That Norm guy from Normblog doesn't really teach at the university down the road from my old campus (you know, the good one). It's all a lie. He's really a plump, wrinkly old washerwoman from Fez, Morocco. I can prove it, if you'll just grab a coffee while I fire up Photoshop. And, uh, learn how to use it.

# posted by Keith : 5:31:00 PM

Well, I Can't Do Any Worse Than Last Year...

It's time for the obligatory Oscars prediction post. I didn't do too well last year, but I've actually seen a few of the films this time around so I might have a bit more luck.

I can't be bothered to give any real reasons for my picks, but I can guarantee - guarantee! - that they're all locks. Locks! I tell ya.

Actor in a leading role

Johnny Depp (though, for what it's worth DiCaprio went up a notch on my respect scale. He's now on what I like to call 'notch 1'.

Actor in a supporting role

Morgan Freeman, if only for the fact that he deserved the nod for Shawshank in '94. If it were up to me he'd be nominated for his every film. Yes, even the Big Bounce... OK, I take it back. Quit spittin' at me.

Actress in a leading role

Hilary Swank - because she just... won't... stop until she gets it. She's like the frickin' Terminator.

Actress in a supporting role

Cate Blanchett - annoying, but you have to give her something for all those hours with her voice coach.

Animated Feature Film

The Incredibles - to be honest I haven't seen it, but the word on the street - and when I say 'word on the street' I mean all the 8-year old kids I know - it, like, totally kicks ass, dude.

Cinematography

The Aviator - my eyes looked like dinner plates after the bi-plane stunt scenes. It's beautifully shot.

Directing

Million Dollar Baby

Best Picture

The Aviator

And now, watch me swing and miss on every pick.

# posted by Keith : 4:51:00 PM

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Goodfella

As many of you know, I read electricity meters for a living. I walk around suburban streets in my big red jacket and chat to folks all day, and I love every minute of it. Apart from the awful salary its a fantastic job. I speak to my boss about once a week and I can set my own hours.

Anyway... I was visiting a town around 6 miles from my home yesterday, reading on a small cul-de-sac of around 10 houses. Unfortunately nobody answered at any of the houses, and I was getting a little frustrated since I have a target to hit and the snow was coming down heavily. As I reached the last house on the street I noticed that the front lawn was covered - literally covered - in bouquets of flowers. I haven't seen so many since Princess Diana died. I called over to a kid across the street and asked if someone had died. He told me that the wife of the owner passed away last week, and everybody on the street was at the funeral. So, I left with the intention to go back today.

I got back to the street this morning. The snow was ridiculously deep, and as I slipped and slid up the pavement I noticed that the husband was out in the garden, slowly carrying the flowers into his garage and laying them carefully down on the floor. He looked around 70, and was obviously having difficulty walking on the lawn. I walked over and told him I'd come to read his meter, and helped him move the last few bouquets to the garage.

We chatted for a few minutes as I read the meter, and I have to say that I was humbled by his attitude. He'd been married many years, and his wife died after a long illness. He didn't go into the details but it was obvious that his wife had succumbed after a long, painful fight. After I finished the job we stood in the doorway for a few minutes. He offered me a drink but I didn't want to impose, so we just spent a few minutes passing the time of day.

I didn't want to leave. I felt so sorry for the poor guy - but it warmed my heart that he took everything life threw at him in such good humour. I can only hope that when I get to that age - and God willing I'll have shared a long life with a woman I loved dearly - that I'll be able to take that kind of tragedy with such stoicism, and display such poise.

So, silly as it may be, I'm glad there are people like him in the world. It's good to know that there's still some good, down to earth folk around.

# posted by Keith : 7:28:00 PM

The Coke Monkey

Michael Demmons at Dean's World tells of the evils of dieting, and describes his own experiences with weight loss:-

Over the course of a year, I lost about 100 pounds and my pant size dropped from size 42 (almost) to 32 (at one point, I could fit into a size 30!) The great thing is that I never once felt hungry.

I'm still obsessive about my weight. I'm a little over 200lbs now (I'm 6'1".) But I still have a bad relationship with food. There're only two rules I follow really: First, a full breakfast every morning. Second: Everything in moderation - except Coke, which is heroin.

I obsess about my weight, too. I've never been overweight, but I've always felt that, still a young man, I'm wasting the opportunity to be in really great shape before the skin starts to dangle and unexplainable ear hair sprouts from my head.

I'm around 5'9" (I think), and at the moment I'm about 168lb - a weight I'm very happy with. But it won't last. In the past few years I've yo-yo'd between 150lb and 185lb, going from almost gaunt to decidedly chubby. Right now I'm walking for 7 or 8 hours a day for my job, and I go until 6pm on just a few Maltesers and my trusty Marlboros before coming home to a healthy dinner.

The result of this is that it's almost as if I can't stop the weight coming off. I spent 3 evenings this week at a kitchen-shy friend's house watching ~~pirated~~ legitimately purchased DVD's, and we've gone for McDonalds twice - and snacked on cookies, crisps and lager between Big Macs. Even so, I dropped 2 pounds this week. Not that I'm complaining - it's just strange, is all.

What I wanted to write about, though, was the fact that I - along with Michael - had a fairly substantial Coke problem - the fizzy kind, not Bolivian marching powder. Michael was drinking 3 litres a day of the full fat variety, while I was pouring about 4 litres of Diet Coke down my throat between sunrise and sunset. Now there's some serious chemicals in that much Coke - and at almost 400 gallons a year, that's some serious punishment to the internal organs. 4 litres of caffeine, following some quick sums, equals about 500mg per day - half a toxic dose. Every day.

I decided to quit the Coke around Christmas of last year -not just due to the health worries, but for the fact that it was costing me around 5% of my take home salary to keep the caffeine monkey off my back. Now that's just stupid.

Surprisingly, it wasn't at all difficult to kick the habit. I stopped on New Year's Eve, the day I went on holiday. Conveniently Coke costs a shitload in Fuerteventura, and what with all the heat I just switched to water and never looked back. No cravings, no jitters - not even any traditional baby-walking-along-the-ceiling hallucinations. To be honest, I felt cheated.

Still, I walked into a shop today to buy cigarettes, felt a little thirsty, and bought a full-fat bottle of Coke. God, it was good.

# posted by Keith : 5:40:00 PM

Selected Letters of Sortapundit

Following a Wizbang post regarding abusive email, I thought I'd share with you from my correspondence with the big bloggers over the years. Enjoy.

Sortapundit vs. Glenn Reynolds

Me: Hi. I just thought I'd write say how much I enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Glenn: What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Doesn't a restraining order mean anything to you? Stop emailing. Stop calling. Stop mailing crudely photo-shopped photos of Gary Coleman in drag. Next time I hear from you I'll give you such a stabbing. Dumb shit.

Sortapundit vs. Kevin Aylward

Me: Hi. I just thought I'd write say how much I enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Kevin: What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Doesn't a restraining order mean anything to you? Stop emailing. Stop calling. Stop mailing crudely photo-shopped photos of Gary Coleman in drag. Next time I hear from you I will own your ass. Own it! Dumb shit.

Sortapundit vs. Frank J.

Me: Hi. I just thought I'd write say how much I enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Frank: What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Doesn't a restraining order mean anything to you? Stop emailing. Stop calling. Stop mailing crudely photo-shopped photos of Gary Coleman in drag. Next time I hear from you I'll make you eat a burger. When I say 'burger' I mean, of course, your testicles. Dumb shit.

Sortapundit vs. Dean Esmay

Me: Hi. I just thought I'd write say how much I enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Dean: What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Doesn't a restraining order mean anything to you? Stop emailing. Stop calling. Stop mailing crudely photo-shopped photos of Gary Coleman in drag. Next time I hear from you you'd better be wearing pads, cause I'm gonna beat ya. Beat ya real good! Dumb shit.

Sortapundit vs. Jeff Goldstein

Me: Hi. I just thought I'd write say how much I enjoy your site. Keep up the good work.

Jeff: Hey. Uh, you think you could hook me up with more pictures of that hot little midget? Please?

# posted by Keith : 4:05:00 PM

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Blogging in the UK

Much has been made of Iain Duncan Smith's comments in Saturday's Guardian about the future of British blogging (h/t Wizbang). Smith claims that we are about to see in the UK the same 'revolution' we have seen in recent years in the US - and, as in the US, it will be the right who benefit.

I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong - as a UK native I'd be more than happy to see my hobby take on a more professional status; to be in a position in which I can affect the political landscape of my nation through nothing more than sitting here typing while watching the FA Cup on TV. Bring it on. Alas, I'm not confident.

Bloggers in the UK, in my estimation, are at least 2 years behind the US. 2 years ago US bloggers couldn't have dreamed they'd one day have the power to bring down Dan Rather; to humiliate Jordan Eason. Politicians on the left would have scoffed at the idea that they could raise millions - millions - of dollars by running ads in the blogosphere. Nobody would have expected that, 2 years later, some of us would be doing this as a career.

That's the way it is today in the UK. We - UK bloggers - don't have anything like the power over the MSM that exists in the US. The reason for this, of course, is that nobody here knows what the hell a blog is. I couldn't tell you how many times - in job interviews, especially - I've been met with blank stares when asked what my interests are and I respond with 'I write a blog.' It's getting better, but it's an uphill struggle converting the masses.

The other reason I'm not optimistic about the future of British blogging is that we have a vibrant media - vastly more vital than that of the US. The only sound we hear today from the US print media is a death rattle - the final breaths of a medium outmoded, usurped from its niche by the more responsive TV - and the ubiquitous, almost omnipresent Internet.

But it isn't entirely the fault of the newspapers that they are reduced to partisan sniping and desperate drives to retain their dwindling reader base. Part of the reason is simple geography. The US is a considerably larger chunk of land than the UK - making it nigh on impossible for a truly national newspaper to exist. Instead we find regional journals - usually named for the city at the centre of their range - controlling portions of the country. The New York Times; The Washington Post etc - followed on their heels by much smaller local papers covering a county or town. It isn't cost effective to market nationally. Instead, they preside over their little fiefdoms like feudal lords. Of course, the advent of Internet news has enabled these lords to reach a truly national market for the first time - unfortunately it has loosed their stranglehold over the fiefdoms.

The UK, however, is more than compact enough to allow national newspapers to thrive. While the Times is correctly named The London Times, it arrives on newstands in Birmingham and Manchester at the same time as it arrives in Westminster. I can go to my local newsagent just outside Manchester at 6AM and take my pick of any of 20 or so national newspapers. If I'm in the mood for an international paper I can go for the Wall Street Journal Europe, USA Today or the Herald Tribune. Whatever my tastes, whatever my political views, there will be something for me on the newstand.

Pleased as I am that I have such wide choices in my reading, I worry that the blogophere over here will not as readily break through into the national consciousness.

Unless... I wonder what skeletons Rupert Murdoch has in his closet. Hmmm...

Others blogging: Wizbang, DailyKos, Instapundit, Powerline

# posted by Keith : 8:41:00 AM

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Caption Contest

I don't really have the readership for a kickass caption contest, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to ridicule O Dub, king of the rabid, foaming at the mouth irrational rant. Now I'll just sit back and wait to be sued for copyright violation. I'm probably racist, too.

From Oliver Willis' Blog

I'll start you off:

Terror in New York as the Willis Balloon Escapes the Macy's Parade

# posted by Keith : 1:59:00 PM

Monday, February 14, 2005

What's in the Blue Window, Kids?

Ahhh, another day, another example of left wing nastiness and stupidity (via Oliver and Eschaton)

I don't really get the whole 'We hate Glenn' screamfest - seemingly spearheaded by Atrios and Oliver, surely the least attractive cheerleaders in history. I've been reading Instapundit for years and I've never really thought of him as anything other than reasonably balanced. Sure, he does occasionally tend to favour our side of the political fence, but he's not exactly pushing the right wing boat out, is he? Or maybe I'm just not paying enough attention.

Anyway, I take issue with Jonathan of Blogoland's claim that there is any real hypocrisy going on. There's a big difference between drawing attention to the sexual peccadilloes of Jeff Gannon and giving airtime to an infidelity story that could have potentially destroyed Kerry's Presidential campaign (in an election that was played anything but cleanly). Kerry's supposed infidelity, far from being a side story, was the story. Gannon's story is very different. The meat of the scandal is his connection to the White House - his ownership of domains such as hotmilitarystud.com is just embarassing tat, and not fit for serious discussion.

On the subject of things that aren't fit for serious discussion, simpleton Oliver Willis asks how a male hooker with $20,000 of tax debt get press credentials. Hey, didn't we just cover this?

While I'm in the general area of media scandals, I'll put in the obligatory Eason Jordan opinion. For the record, I don't think he should be out of a job. Hell, if I got fired every time I said something stupid I'd - wait a minute, I do get fired every time I say something stupid. OK, speaking as someone in the same boat as Eason, I think we should have cut the asshat a little slack. Everyone puts their foot firmly in their mouth every now and then. Unfortunately he didn't take the initiative, step forward and apologise. Instead he backtracked, muttered something about being taken out of context and eventually ran away, tail between his legs.

For future reference, the only way - the only way - to get out of a fix like that is to put on your most honest, aw shucks expression and apologise. Mr Jordan, repeat after me:

'Ahm Sawry... I shouldna oughta said that.'

Oh, and don't claim the military assasinate their countrymen - no, not even if you have cast-iron proof. Damned idiot monkey.

Update

Dean agrees.

'Nother Update

Back to the Gannon story, Wizbang's Paul points out the difference between Gannon and Jordan. As usual, it seems that the right are right. Sure, we're not always the good guys - this time, however, it seems we are.

Meanwhile, Oliver Willis reports that Rawstory claims to have found a link between Gannon and Press Secretary Scott Mclellan - after an anonymous source said Mclellan frequented gay bars in Texas. Hell, I've frequented gay bars. It doesn't make me gay.

This from the 'tolerant' left.

# posted by Keith : 2:21:00 PM

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Adventures in Bed-Wetting

I woke up this morning around 2AM, my sheets soaking wet around my waist. It was dark and I wasn't wearing my contacts, so I stumbled drunkenly around my room, mumbling about wetting the bed. I was barely half awake, still hammered, and I sat there for ten minutes in a wet pair of boxers staring at the floor. I tried to remember how much I'd had to drink, and if it was enough to make me piss the bed. I didn't think so, but I could barely remember coming home - or making the half eaten sandwich next to the bed - so it must have been a fair amount.

Anyway, after a while I changed my underwear and laid towels down on the bed to cover the wet patch. That's when I noticed the curtain twitching above the bed, hiding my very guilty looking cat - and an empty, toppled bottle of Evian water - on the windowsill.

Damned cat.

# posted by Keith : 10:07:00 AM

Friday, February 11, 2005

Moonbats Rejoice, Riot

Well, it looks like good news for the left: Bush's job approval rating

e-mail scam blog

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Some Cool Site for ya...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Some Cool Sites for ya...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Globalwarming Awareness2007

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

International Medical Insurance

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Best Directories Article

What the...

Vonage Forum

So Very Tired

AFFL Fantasy Football League

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Project Management and Leadership

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Amazon Deals

Hurrah!

Digital Cameras

Bah

SEO Specialists

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Cheapstingybargains - Online Discounts

Saturday, September 02, 2006

DealScans - Bargains on the Net

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Damned Spyware

PokeronaMac

Expat Medical Insurance - Taking the Worry Out of Travelling

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ford Mustang Forums

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Finance News Today - Taking the Hassle Out of Insurance

One Touch Can Opener

Diet2Live Health Forum

Friday, August 25, 2006

PayPerPost Article on Digg

Eyes Burning... Must... Go... To Bed

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The New TV Guide

Bah

The Gambling Guide

Free Ringtones Site

Ted Murphy - Weird

UFOSeek.org - UFO News

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Buyertools Reminder - eBay Bidder

MagsDirect - Online Magazine Subscriptions

Pricepirates Price Comparison Tool

Boxing Depot - Cheap, Good Quality Boxing Equipment

Tracking Software - Spying on the Employees

AAAAaahhhhh! No Income!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Coupons, Coupons and More Coupons

Bah

Table Mate

Uhhhhhhh....

Ionic Pro Air Purifier

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Stop SPAM Emails - Protect Your Address

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hmmmmmm...

Minnesota Driver Education Software - Helping You Drive Safely

PayPerPost - Angels of the Blogosphere

Shopping = Hell

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

PayPerPost

Fun Zero Gravity Flight

What Would You Pay Someone To Do?

Zero Gravity Flight

Monday, August 14, 2006

New York, New York

Lost in Time

PayPerPost

I'll be Bankrupt Within the Month

Sunday, August 13, 2006

MindComet

Wow